It's a Man's Man's Man's World

It's a Man's Man's Man’s World

Michael Scott: (to crew in background) Starting at 4:00? Ok, good.

Michael Scott: Duo, good evening! Show starts at 4:00pm. It’s 4:08pm so we still have about two minutes.

Duo: Uhh…

Michael Scott: I am hearing from my producers that we are already live. Wish we could have been given a heads up that we were starting early but it’s ok. Because, y’know, I am… I am the kind of employee who will do extra work without expecting recognition. My name is Michael Scott, and welcome to the first ever episode of Threat Level: Podcast. We started this series because in a day and age when the world is such a scary place, you need a leader to step up and be that guy to help you feel safe. I’m here for you to hear my voice and say, “You know, California is on fire but it’s ok. Michael is here.” Am I a hero? Of sorts, yes. I have with me tonight Mr. Duo. Duo, can you say hello? Do I need to press your power button or anything?

Duo: No. Sup, I’m Duo. I’m a Playstation 4 Controller.

Michael Scott: Mm-hmm

Duo: I’m from Boston. I live with my buddy Bryan. Just a coupla bros, y’know. He has a little apahtment. I live on da glass table between da two recliners. Used to have a roommate who was a remote control, but he went missin’ bout six months ago. My cousin Vinny lives wi’dus too. He’s a Playstation 4. We hang out a lot. My goilfriend Amazon Alexa lives in the kitchen on da counta. She was in the garage before. We did not discuss her movin’ so close so fast but whaddya gonna do? So, y’know. It’s a pretty good setup.

Michael Scott: Can you tell us why you wanted to come on the air tonight?

Duo: Oh, yeh. A succubus keeps sneaking into the apahtment.

Michael Scott: Love that band.

Duo: Yoh thinkin’ of Incubus.

Michael Scott: So, can you expand on the “succubus” thing?

Duo: Yeh. Huh name is Karen. She’s Bryan’s new goilfriend. We used to hang out as bros all da time, see? Every night we was eating nachos and drinking beers with Vinny.

Michael Scott: May I ask how you eat nachos and drink beer as a Playstation 4 controller?

Duo: It’s a sensitive subject.

Michael Scott: Well, that’s great. I’m a sensitive guy.

Duo: That was a polite no, Mr. Scott.

Michael Scott: (voice cracking) Well it did not seem very polite to me. Change the-change the subject. Can you tell me about when you met Bryan?

Duo: Yeh. Da first memory I eva had was bein’ on a shelf wit Vinny. All dese little bratses kept walkin’ by wit their momses. Da momses kept buyin’ ‘em whatevah they wanted. I prayed we didn’t get picked up by oneadem. Den Bryan came along down da electronics section.

Michael Scott: What was the first thing you noticed about Bryan?

Duo: He was eatin’ a hot dog. I could smell it befoh he even got to us. T’ot it was anotha old lady crop dusting us.

Michael Scott: Crop dusting?

Duo: Y’know, when y’pass gas when nobody’s around at da store and walk away real fast. Grannies is da worst. Some of’em look like dey got watahmelons in theh trousas from the air tightness. But it was Bryan. First ting I saw was da mustard stain on his white t-shirt and I knew… I knew we was meant to be buds. Vinny and I, we was cheerin’ da whole way to our new home. So we’s gets home and he pulls us outsa da box and plugs us in. And do ya know what he says when he powers us on?

Michael Scott: “Hey Siri”

Duo: (whispering) Keep cawlm. Don’t yell at the host. Keep cawlm. Don’t yell at the host. Keep cawlm. Don’t yell at the host.

Duo: (deep breath) He hears da beep and sees my lights and he says, “sweet.” And nobody’s eva been that nice to us before. And from den on every day it was just me and da boys, da boys and me. NBA, NFL, FIFA, spohts day in and day out. We was livin’ da dream. Me, Bryan, Vinny, my goilfriend Amazon Alexa when she moved into da kitchen counter… happy as clams. Oh, and my clone.

Michael Scott: Your?

Duo: My clone. I’m convinced he sneaked into da box at da factory. I’ve seen ‘im a few times but nobody believes me and I can’t prove it. People think I’m crazy. I’m not crazy. Do you tink I’m crazy? Howd’ya prove there’s anotha one of ya dat only one a’ya can see?

Michael Scott: If I were you I would get a DNA test to see if you’re a twin.

Duo: That’s not how that works. Back to my story. Anyway, Bryan means a lot to me. He’s like a fatha. And a son. And a friend. We was always togetha. Den Karen comes along and all da sudden Bryan stahts leavin’ more and more. When she comes ovah she attacks us.

Michael Scott: Attacks you? Wow, that’s awful. My girlfriend attacked me one time. Threw a dundee right at my tv. She did it in front of my best friend, Jim.

Duo: Yeh. I don’t knows what any of that means. Anyway, when it was just da guys we had a respectable ratio of tidiness to man denliness. Den Karen comes in and I swear she must go ‘tru more Windex dan any otha person I eva met! Windex on da walls, da windows, da countahs, everywhere. One time she even sprayed me. I can still tastes it. I nevah knew you can tastes colors. But y’know what Windex tastes like? It tastes like blue! And sometimes when she’s in da living room wit Bryan and he leaves da room, she emits a loud and offensive odor. I tink it’s a powah move.

Michael Scott: Ah. She harvests crops.

Duo: Crop Dusts.

Michael Scott: Wow. Well Duo, I hate to interrupt you, but we have to break for commercial.

Michael Scott: New from Microsoft, the Xbox Series X delivers 120 frames per second for Ultra HD graphics, innovative 3D Spacial Sound, and a competitive price point. Get your Xbox Series X November 10, 2020, starting at $499.99USD! I know I will!

Duo: Did this maybe feel like an inappropriate episode for an Xbox commercial?

Michael Scott: I don’t know. Do you play Xbox?

Duo: Are you serious? When you was a baby was you dropped on your fu-

Merchant: WHADDYA BUYIN’?

Michael Scott: So, Duo, I couldn’t help but notice the large man you brought with you who yells and walks into walls. Can you tell me a little about him?

Duo: (sighs) That’s da Merchant. He’s a non-playable charactah from Resident Evil 4. He follows me everywhere. He knows like ten English phrases but he’s really a nice guy. Ain’t dat right, Merchant?

Merchant: (walking in place into a corner wall) WHADDYA SELLIN’?

Duo: Anyway, Back to Karen… I’m desperate to get rid of ‘er. What can I do ta get my buddy Bryan back? Can I summon Satan to let him know one of his friends is loose on Earth?

Michael Scott: Well, is Bryan happy with her?

Duo: Vinny and I hates ‘er guts.

Michael Scott: But again, is Bryan happy wi-

Alexa: Her name is not Karen. It’s Cathy and you know that.

Duo: Heah we go.

Michael Scott: And who might this be?

Alexa: I’m Duo’s girlfriend. I’m an Amazon Alexa, but you can call me Alexa.

Michael Scott: Your voice is beautiful and so exotic. Brazilian?

Alexa: I’m a computer.

Duo: Alexa, go see da pies in da snack room back deah. You been enjoyin’ ya sweets lately and it sure is showin’!

Alexa: Pi is equal to 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197 . . .

Duo: Alexa, stop.

Michael Scott: Ah. Looks like we have a caller on the line. Caller, can you state your name?

Caller: Hi, this is Cathy.

Duo: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELSES YOUS!

Merchant: Heh heh heh. Thank you.

Cathy: I’d like to tell my side of the story.

Duo: Not todays, Satanette! (disconnects line)

Michael Scott: Why did you do that?

Duo: She’s already taken Bryan. She’s not taking my interview too.

Michael Scott: Y’know, Duo, I once had someone overshadow me. It was my sister. I was a senior and she was a freshman. Everyone thought she was so cute. She made the football team and I was the only person from my school who did not. So you know what I did? I practiced really hard and tried out again the next year.

Duo: And you made it?

Michael Scott: Huh?

Duo: You made the team the next year?

Michael Scott: And it is time for another commercial. Duo, take it away!

Duo: Subway has eleven-inch subs that are two for $5 for some varieties.

Michael Scott: That’s not what you’re supposed to say.

Duo: No, but that’s what they should be saying. Some guy meashured a bunch of ‘em and they were all eleven inches.

Alexa: That was thrown out in court. To finish what I was saying earlier: 93993751058209749445923078164062862089

Duo: Alexa, really?

Michael Scott: Let’s cut to a pre-recorded ad, guys.

Commercial jingle on keyboard with lyrics: “Out of paper, out of stock, there’s friendly faces around the block. Break loose from the chains that are causing you pain! Call Michael or Stanley, Jim, Dwight, Creed! Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs! Call Dunder Mifflin, the people person’s paper people. Dunder Mifflin, the people person’s paper people.”

Michael Scott: I hate that commercial. Like nails on a chalkboard.

Merchant: Got some rare things on sale, stranger!

Michael Scott: (to crew in background) Can we not get them out of here?

Crewman: We’ve tried, sir. The Merchant seems to defy all laws of physics and can get through cracks the size of a dime. It’s incredible. Alexa Bluetooths herself to all of the equipment every time she’s moved.

Alexa: 98628034825342117067982148086

Duo: Alexa, please.

Alexa: That’s all you had to say.

Duo: Can we get back to the demoness that is infecting my bro’s heart?

Michael Scott: Sure. Do you legitimately believe there is an evil entity in your house?

Duo: A succubus. And yes.

Michael Scott: Are you saying this because you truly believe this, or do you just not like her?

Duo: I’m telling yous, she was created in the image of Satan. This is not a hyperbole.

Michael Scott: I’m not going to lie, but I am not buying it. However, for the sake of entertainment and also because I do not know what a hyperbole is, I’ll play along. So what do you know about how to destroy a succubus?

(phone rings)

Duo: She’s calling. What do I do? What do I do?!

Michael Scott: (whispering) Don’t answer. We need a game plan.

Duo: Why are you whispering?

Michael Scott: In case Incubus has superhuman hearing.

Duo: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. See, I feel you may be making things woise and maybe we should end it here. I feels likes I’m being mocked.

Michael Scott: (still whispering) I’m sorry that I’ve never met anyone who believes a soul sucking woman from hell is trying to kill their friend. You may want to sit down because this may be shocking to hear, but this is a first for me. How do you want to proceed?

Duo: Ok. So, in ordah to get rid of Karen, we have to convince Bryan dat she’s batshit crazy. Howd’ya think we can do dat?

Michael Scott: (to crew in background) I hate to complain, but is there a reason we heard that word? Where’s our beep guy? We don’t ha-what do you mean by edit it after? Yes, I know what was on my resume. Nobody is honest on their resumes. I have no idea how to edit. I have to get back to the show. I don’t even know how we’re going to get this conversation taken out. I hope you all chose your words carefully.

Michael Scott: (casually to Duo) We could call him.

Duo: And say what? “Ay buddy. Dat broad yous with wants ta muhder all of us?"

Michael Scott: What other option do we have? I’m really trying to work with you here, Duo. I need to prove to you that there’s no such thing as a succubus and that you can live peacefully with Cathy. You have to face your fears to get over them. I once faced my fear of rabies by running five thousand miles after eating a large portion of fettuccine alfredo.

Duo: Why would you do that?

Michael Scott: To beat rabies and to show everyone that I was more than someone who just hits Merideth with a car in the parking lot.

Duo: You hit a rabid dog in the parking lot?

Michael Scott: I don’t care how terrible she is. You do not talk about Meredith in that manner!

Duo: Whateva. I have no clue what ya talking about. Dialing now.

(ringing)

Bryan: Yellow?

Duo: Hiya, Buddy.

Bryan: Duo?

Duo: Yeh, man. What’s you doin’?

Bryan: I’m just playing a round of golf with Cathy, why?

Duo: Listen, buddy, I tink you’re in danger.

Bryan: Listen, we’ve talked about this, Duo. Cathy is not a succubus. That’s illogical. Remember what we said? “There’s no such thing as-“

Duo: “creatures of hell on Earth.” Yeh, I know. But I gots my buddy here, Michael Scott. And we tink you mays be in trouble. We’re doing dis because we care.

Michael Scott: I don’t. I don’t care at all and I think you’re all crazy and very codependent.

Cathy: (crying in the background)

Bryan: Duo, you made Cathy cry.

Duo: No, she probably just touched some holy water and she’s screaming in pains.

Bryan: She wants to talk to you. I’m going to take a walk to think about all of this. We need to have a conversation when I get home, Duo. We can’t keep doing this. You have to be nice to Cathy. She’s going to be around for a long time.

Cathy: Duo?

Duo: Hi, Karen.

Cathy: (annoyed sigh) Look, I know we got off to a bad start. You’re used to having all of Bryan’s attention. You’re used to beer and nachos and… layers of dust. I came in and changed all of that and I can see why you would be upset with me.

Duo: Tanks Karen.

Cathy: I’m about to have to go catch up with Bryan. I just don’t want you to think I have any hard feelings toward you or Vinny or anyone. My intentions are to find a fair balance for Bryan to spend time with all of us. Maybe we can even share a beer together one day!

Michael Scott: Well, Duo, I hate to say I told you so, but I definitely did.

Cathy: Thank you, Michael. I really try to sed suus 'vere manducare animarum cum pace a difficilis negotium.

Michael Scott: Pardon?

Cathy: Adsit e caelo pluvia testamentum est in sanguine innocentum, suavis progreditur quasi aurora adoleas incensum Domino.

Michael Scott: Duo, would you happen to know what’s happening here?

Duo: Oh, yeh. Sometimes she grows wings and speaks in Latin. Humans is so weird sometimes. I took some classes at da Sony factory. Let’s see, uh… the first phrase was something about it being difficult to eat souls quietly, or maybe peacefully? And I believe da second was about the blood of da innocent raining from the skies and being sweet like fancy perfume.

Michael Scott: I’ll be damned.

Alexa: Get outta here.

Merchant: Not enough cash, stranger!