Commissions

Yeah yeah, giggle it up. My other girlfriend thinks it’s pretty funny, too. My 55 year old brain gets the most excitement in its life out of watching cartoons. She thinks it’s funny that I don't have a wife either. She’s not my favorite and I don’t even know that I could call her my girlfriend, honestly. She’d be pretty pissed if she knew so let’s just say we have a mutually beneficial situation. Anyway, it’s easier this way. If I had a nagging wife in my ear it would be impossible for me to enjoy anything.

Oh, it’s rude of me to talk about other women with you isn't it baby? I'll stop, I know you're different right? And can I just say, cartoons have never been for kids, you know? They dress it all up and make it pretty, but there’s some pretty deep and dark shit out there, babe. This is the artistic perception of the universe we’re talking about here! I could creatively do anything with that and simultaneously give you a glimpse into my distorted mind. I guess you could say cartoons and I also have a bond built on reciprocity.

I think you know my real name. It’s okay if it takes you a second. All the greats have a hurdling repertoire if you think too hard about it. It’s like God, I’ve just done so much, you know? You know me, right? Don’t scratch your head man, jeez. My screen name doesn’t give it away?

I’m Tom Cleergreene moron! The guy. I sketched characters for Cartoon Network? Early Adult Swim and shit c’mon you know me. I designed Rolling Stones gear when I was 15 years old. Imagine not knowing the name of the guy who put Mick Jagger in a tee-shirt.

You better be lucky I don't want to waste time being offended today. You wouldn’t like me when I'm angry. I'm just messing, stop being so sensitive.

Come here, look at this. It’s everything I’ve ever made that’s important to me in my life. Took me forty years to fill this wall top to bottom. Impressive right? First the Anime posters, then a few self portraits just to kick it off real special. Right here we have your standard high school art show pieces. Yeah, I remember when I thought this was deep. Everyone always told me I had such a unique perspective. Sometimes I wonder what I said that made people want to stop listening to me. I can admit I’m a bug-a-boo when I wanna be but for the most part I always took my time and space very personal and serious. Anyways, there’s nothing deep about this oil pastel of the beach but it won first place. The judges called me “controversial.” I was just drawing our town's dirty little dinky beach from how I saw it in my noggin. Then again, there’s nothing particularly deep about “Starry Night” either.

Over here we have the framed checks from the college endeavors with art museums, then the photos with celebrities from animations, some of the tee shirts I’ve designed. I told you: robust, right? Out of all this crap though, this is my favorite. The ideas that were too sick to make it out of my sketchbook. Don’t give me that look, I told you already! I'm showing you everything important, remember? That wall is crap compared to this. I’ll let you do the honors. Go ahead, open it man it aint gonna bite you. It seems bleak because it's little and black but what’s inside will blow your mind.

Alright look, don’t open it then. It’s fine. I understand what’s going on, you think just because I’m an old washed up artist I'm some kind of sicko. Well you know what? I am, thank you very much! Yeah! Yeah! I am! And you can definitely show yourself out.

Stuck up, they’re all so stuck up. I need a cigarette, She ruined me. Now my head hurts and I’m hungry. Glad I ordered takeout already, that was a waste of my time. Where’s my remote, I was going to watch some Death Note with her. You know she said she was into this anime stuff too? If she would’ve checked my sketchbook out she could’ve seen my mock list. She would’ve loved it. I drew pictures of everyone and their fates, she would’ve died! I even drew her based on her tinder profile pictures because I saw she was a fan. You think I was talking about myself too much? I was going to get to her! Maybe I shouldn’t have trashed Starry Night.

I love the way Ryuk makes Light feel like his killing spree is righteous. He justifies all of Light’s choices with full support. My Lucifer, where’s a friend like Ryuk when you need him?

Woah. Did you hear that thunderclap? When did it even start raining?

My takeout showed up cold and soggy. Today is obviously just not my day. Imagine how embarrassed I would be if cold food showed up on my date? Now I have enough soggy fries for two. I’m going to let it go and enjoy it in the comfort of my bed.

Last thing I remember before waking up was praying for power, but it looks like it wasn’t loud enough. It’s pitch black and freezing in here. And to make matters worse I just had the most uncomfortable experience I think I’ve ever had in my sleep. I know I asked for Ryuk but I ain’t into that demon shit man! This black cloud of air told me- look I don’t know how else to explain this but just listen- it was like a black fart or something. It asked me to show it my sketch book. I told him I didn’t have it, and besides, even if I did he didn’t have any eyes so what’s there to see here buddy, what’s it to you?

The damned thing hissed at me, grew arms and snatched my sketchbook from my back pocket and thought about it really hard. When you’re dreaming, are you really going to be wearing pants? So i told myself it had to be real, because in my dream land my legs are always free and pants don't grant me that. But then I got upset because I realized this fart with arms was holding my sketchbook hostage. It started growling. The thing told me it liked my list. It said it wanted to work with me. I was a little confused so I asked him- I mean what it meant. Apparently not just arms man, but teeth too, because it started grinning like it was goddamn graduation picture day and if that wasn’t the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced then i'm ready to die right now.

But that’s not it. It grabbed my hand with its other slithering arm and shook it firmly. The fart asked me to make a deal. “Mick Jagger first.”

Look, I know what you’re thinking. I thought you made concert merchandise for him blah blah blah BLAH. I did. But guess who never got paid? This guy. I would’ve posted the check above all the rest but it never came so I hate his guts. What kind of sicko steals from a kid? American Tour 1981? I built that, so yeah I wrote his name in the sketchbook. I did. And I drew a nice, juicy, detailed picture of how I needed it to happen. But that didn’t mean it needed to be real.

It was saying all types of crazy things like “ if you sign this contract your death note can be your reality. I’ll pay you $20,000…” I don’t know what he was talking about but suddenly my hand itched for a pen. WHAT? It’s just a dream. If someone offered you $20,000 in your dreams you’d take it too.

Anyways, I signed it. I did. And I don't regret it. I didn’t even read it. Who cares what it says? I should’ve made way more than that for designing the shirts. Also I didn’t have nearly enough strength in my balls to tell that demon fart no.

God walks back into the living room with my electricity. I plug my phone into the charger quickly before it dies because I gotta call my girlfriend. I think she’s the only person who can even begin to make sense of me right now.

The line rang twice before my phone chimed in my ear. I pulled it away to put it on speaker. To check it out and… what I saw I almost couldn’t comprehend.

My bank app displayed a notification for a “large deposit.” I opened the app to check details and what do you know. Straight up, twenty grand.

My palms begin to sweat.

“Hello?” answers my sugar. I immediately hang up and begin panicking. I open Twitter and see “The Rolling Stones” tending immediately. The biggest lump formed in my throat. This couldn’t be real.

Instead of freaking out, I think I processed it well. I really only panicked for about 10 seconds and then called me sugar right back. I told her to come out to dinner with me. I also said “show up in sweats baby, I want to buy you something elegant to wear.” and she really, and i mean really liked the sound of that.

I’m sitting alongside her and suddenly she begins sweating. Dripping sweat, I mean like she just took a jog. She starts hyperventilating and then… what the fuck? Her head exploded at the dinner table. Now I could sit here and act crazy like I’ve never seen this before and I don’t know what just happened but I’m going to be perfectly honest and clear here. I knew this image. I drew this image. The restaurant, the dress, even the curl that was sitting on her shoulder. But-

What was in that contract? By this point in my day I think I’m justified to be completely freaked out, right? I don’t recall seeing a dining room clear out so fast. Oh no, the room is spinning, and it’s getting dark.. I think I’m going to…

“Foolish Tom.” Laughed the creature in my mind. I wondered what made me so foolish. “You have eyes, why do you fail to use them?” Is this voice listening to my thoughts? “Of course i am” it crackled

Well if it isn’t the fart. I was wondering when I was going to get to talk to him again. I need to know why Mick Jagger and my beloved Yolanda died like my pictures right in front of my eyes.

“Because you gave me the power to fulfill the entire list. I get to say who goes next. You thought I would let you play god? Man, you watch way too many cartoons.”

I'm just going to lay here and listen to h- it. It’s my buddy right? It’s just a little jokey-joke. It’s going to tell me something good. We are working together. We have a deal. He wouldn’t mess me over.

“I think i know who I’d like next.”

I cock my head to the side in worry. For some reason I know what’s about to roll off of his tongue.

“You.”

For a moment I thought to fight. But then I realized I was already dead. I drew myself dying when I was 35 on stage at my most attended art show by assassination. Kinda morbid but, I felt myself getting old so I put my whole portfolio on display for one last time. I wanted to die that day. I never had a chance to get old. I never wanted it though. Who knew I was this much a genius? So badass. I think I just might live forever.