Autistic Woman Vs: Dracula

Now the past couple years have not been great, with many terrible things happening or else terrible things from the past have come to the surface. But what has been great, at least for me, are new opportunities for pursuing my creative ambitions. So, I would like to introduce my new series called Autistic Woman Vs. Essentially, I will be examining some popular, and unknown monsters and talking about what I would do if faced with one of them. This is not going to be a serious, deep analysis, just more silly and fun.

Vampires are one of the most popular, and overused, monsters in media with countless movies about them in particular, Dracula, even into the year 2021. Wikipedia has an extensive list from the earliest Dracula movie made in Russia to the latest one featuring a Lamp and no actor playing Dracula himself.(Side note: I did watch the film and it is actually more interesting than what is on the surface. You can watch it HERE). Now, the book Dracula by Bram Stoker was not the first book about vampires but it is definitely the most popular and influential. Yeah, it appears that people are trying to find more creative ways to portray a bloodsucking creature. I'm not complaining or anything but one has to ask if there is such a thing as a fresh idea anymore? How is it possible to have so many metaphorical possibilities and yet stick to the most common tropes?

So, to start I have not researched EXTENSIVELY into vampire lore because there are so many but I do know for a fact that vampires are rooted in one jerk-face, named Vlad the Impaler, who was apparently this cruel, blood-thirsty dictator to his homeland, these cruel acts included impaling people with spikes (Hence his name). Now I know people who are into strange, and sometimes dangerous things to get their shorts jiggling but as long as those things are consensual, it’s all good. This on the other hand, one would assume that it was without the impaled person's consent.

Not cool, Vlad.

The other thing that seems to be extremely common is that they are very much hateful of garlic. One theory seems to be that garlic is a blood thinner. I guess vampires like their blood like my steak, thick. The other theory is that vampires suffer from a disease known as porphyria, which is apparently a term for several diseases that cause irregularities in the production of the heme, the chemical in your blood, and also causes some other unpleasantries including sensitivity to light and physical disfigurement. So vampires are based on people who suffer a literal disease. Wow. Ableism much? I also love garlic so I guess I would be pretty safe from most Post-Stoker vampires.

What is up with vampires and crosses though? I did a bit of reading and came across a theory that since vampires are considered undead and anything coming from the dead is unnatural that means that vampires are evil! Since crosses are the universal symbol of Christianity that means that vampires are the devil and therefore bad according to Christians. This does not make sense if you think more than 5 seconds about it. As Grant Schmutte states in Quora “The irony, of course, is that the crucifix is a representation of Christ, who also rose from the dead, according to Christian beliefs.” So, Dracula would be considered a Christ-like figure then if Christians did not have such double standards. Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines, addresses this aspect by basically laughing their asses off at the whole idea.

Now, If I was to come face-to-face with Dracula, I would want to be sure that I knew which Dracula I was facing since there are so many versions including a faceless one who talks back to a lamp. But if I were to come face-to-face with the original Dracula I would make damn sure that I am covered in so much garlic that even Edward Cullen will grimace. Crosses and other items would also be around my person as I face Dracula in a duel. Dracula, of course, is super powerful and also extremely clever so it would be a massive challenge. I also don’t know any Kungfu so I would still be pretty much screwed even with all of the essentials in my arsenal.