Specialty Video Game Accessories You Totally Forgot About

The reason there are so many specialty video game accessories that you totally forgot about is because so many game controllers are just a waste of your birthday gift cards. These gimmicky goods had few uses outside of a scant number of games, which makes them highly indulgent purposes that few could justify. Also, if the thing that makes the game worth buying is the controller, then a lot of people are not going to buy that game! This is especially true if there's a bad ad campaign along with it.

The Game Boy Camera is one of those video game accessories everyone forgot about even though it's basically 1998's version of Snapchat. This commercial is so cute! Everyone's so happy to have their picture taken! It's just super endearing. If only there was a device that could facilitate such effortless joy today. I mean, there are hugs, emotional validation, and telling someone you love them, but none of those things are Nintendo products!

The Konami LaserScope was supposed to provide voice-activated video game interaction. All you had to do was say, "Fire!" to shoot your weapon. This is a thing no one wanted and it's shocking that it even made it on the market. Any word makes it shoot, it's too bulky to actually use as headphones outside of your home, and saying, "Fire!" is as distracting as the sound of video games. It's as if no one tried this thing out before it got manufactured. It was like an unhappy relationship that no one wanted to be in anymore. "Why do we keep seeing each other if we're both so miserable?" "I dunno; video games are popular!" MISTAKE!

You remember Rumble Packs, right? They're the video game accessories that turned gameplay into the music video for Nine Inch Nails' "Closer." What is going on with thisStar Fox 64 with Rumble Pack commercial?! Rumble Packs were kinda fun because they shook your hands a little bit. They didn't blow industrial wind up your face. NO ONE WOULD BUY THAT! This is like a joke Family Guy would make about Maxwell audio cassettes. This is like a scene from a Mission Impossible movie where Tom Cruise is climbing a moving plane. This is like a dog in a car with its head sticking out the window. YOU GET THE IDEA!

The Virtual Boy is a video game console, but it came out when Nintendo was making so many video game accessories that I can't not mention it. Virtual Boy is vaguely remembered for its oddly colored attempts at 3D. What I forgot, however, was how terrifying the commercials for this video game system is! The Virtual Boy looks like the Queen Xenomorph from Aliens. Why would you make a commercial where someone is running away from your product and then only engage with it when they're forced to do so?! And why was this the dominant aesthetic for Nintendo's advertising for so long?! We don't even get to see the game's user having a good time. Is this a form of dystopian torture?! Are we living off the land in this future?! Is this Children of Men? Because then we're going to need to know the wildflowers that you shouldn't eat! WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR EARTH?!

We were so close to having video game controllers we could have sex with. VirtuaDolls' Indiegogo campaign had just enough buzz for their video game accessories to be covered mainstream publications, but not enough press to actually get made. What's great about the video they made to attract investors is how complicated the actual male masturbater is. It looks like something Elon Musk would commission in order to send a rocket into space. A sex rocket!

VirtuaDolls had so many ideas that it was as if the company were a bunch of 14-year-old boys talking about the new Avengers movie. Although, to be honest, if we're talking about making a video game controller that you can have sex with you basically are a 14-year-old boy. In which case, I have to warn you about the worst life hacks that you should never try so you don't go butt chugging.

Oddly enough, the game that this sex toy was packaged with was not strictly pornographic and appeared to have elements of non-erotic narrative, like fighting a minotaur. I would have imagined that the juxtaposition of fighting monsters and sex would be as jarring as the best sex scenes from American Horror Story. But, apparently, when creators of the VR porn controller explain why they suspended Indiegogo orders they actually cite their exuberant sales as one of their chief reasons. "It's going to be too big of a hit, boys; stop the sex presses!"

What is it with Nintendo and making commercials for their video game accessories that are set in post-apocalyptic dystopias? Where is this world where this guy has to go into a warehouse to play a video game all by himself?! He's got to hide, but at the same time there's this A+ set-up for gaming?! This warehouse looks like the sort of place an 80s hair metal band like Damn Yankees or an early 2000s industrial act like Powerman 5000 would film their music videos. But I'm glad the handsome gamer model gave me a sexy look at the end. Turn him into a VirtuaDoll, ammaright?! Me-ow! Also, nice touch putting that Power Glove on a rock.

This video game controller looks like a parody of video game accessories but it's not! This is from a real video game called Steel Battalion where you controlled a battle bot. The problem was obvious. Guess what it is right now before I tell you. THIS WAS EXPENSIVE AND ONLY WORKED ON TWO GAMES—THE ORIGINAL AND THE SEQUEL! By some estimates, this controller had upwards of 40 buttons and 2 control sticks. And, get this, the third game in the series? It abandoned the massive controller. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Honestly, this is dumb and no game should have this many buttons in the first place. This is for Xbox; not for Ellon Musk's sex rocket.

This looks like even more of a parody of a video game controller than the controller that came with Steel Battalion. The AlphaGrip was supposed to combine a keyboard, a video game controller, and a calculator into one easy to use device. And we all know how that turned out since we're all using our AlphaGrips right now! Oh, no, sorry, the one parallel universe where we're all advanced enough to use the AlphaGrips is also the one universe where we were all advanced enough to see that Bernie would have won. JK LOL BUT HER EMAILS!

Sometimes special edition packaging for video games comes with a lot of fun video game accessories. Other times the special edition packaging comes with a locker for you to put all your other video games into and lock 'em up. You know, so you can stop playing video games and actually go be a productive member of society. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND COME AT ME!

This is a real oxy-moron: a prestige edition of a video game. I MEAN IT; FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND COME AT ME! Actually, I do think that video games are a legitimate art form. It's just very silly that Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2’s Prestige Edition comes with fake night vision goggles. If you put that up anywhere, all you're showing off is your commitment to conspicuous consumption and how easy you are to manipulate out of your money.

Juggernog is an in-game item that makes your health go up from 100 to 250, so you can imagine why it's popular among Call of Duty players. But it's just that, come on, a mini-fridge?! Seriously?! Of all the video game accessories you could package with your game, you're packaging a mini fridge. It makes sense because of what Juggernog is, but we're well into most expensive dog collars in the world territory now. You have to make a donation to Care, a leading crusader against poverty worldwide, to offset how much money you're spending on video game nonsense. Otherwise, guess what, you're just like the bad guys in Call of Duty!