The Multi-Legged Menace

It’s the middle of the night and you are deep in slumber. Better yet, you are having one of the best dreams you have ever had. Suddenly, the dream fades away and you find yourself awake, staring around in darkness, wondering what outside force has interfered with the wondrous state of euphoria? The answer comes in the form of minute drumming over a piece of paper you have carelessly left lying on the floor. The inquiry of why paper would be making an REM disturbing sound plagues your mind, and fear invades your thoughts because you know the only sound to match that is a tiny multi-legged terror. Slowly reaching for your lamp, you flick it on to reveal if your fears have manifested into the reality you hope it isn’t. The bright blinding beam shines directly over the floor where the paper lies helplessly and just inches away from it, confirming exactly what you thought, is the multi-legged arthropod known as: centipedes.

Like many humans, I am not a fan of centipedes. I don’t mind observing them from afar, but when I hear them crawling on the floor, my attention immediately becomes a spotlight and I am on the hunt for legendary legged menace. First, my legs shoot up on my chair as I am usually barefoot when at home, per the my customs of living. Keeping my body in a ball, I scan the floor slowly looking for the movement of anything long. Sadly, with my floor being a dark brown color, it is quite a challenge to pinpoint exactly where the peril could be hiding. It doesn’t help that my floor is usually covered with papers, clothes, and other unnecessary items (always a painful reminder that I need to clean up my living quarters). If I find the atrocious arthropod, then I start looking for something to keep it from escaping. What is useful about having a cluttered room is, there are many options at hand to transform into a defensive weapon (i.e. tape dispenser, lotion bottle, metallic lunchbox, shoes, bocci balls, etc). The next step after deciding on which item to allow the privilege of saving me, is moving swift enough to actually strike the extensive body of doom. Ideally, I try to aim for the head. Though these be living critters, they are like miniature zombies and the only way to ensure immobility is to recall the words of Thanos from The Avengers: Infinity War and “go for the head.” If you hit the head, your bug is dead. And that would be all I wrote. You could stop reading and have peace of mind knowing I was victorious in my conquest.

On the other hand, if I hit the tail of the long bodied enemy, then the battle continues. I need to quickly find another item to use to smash the head and cease the brainwaves from flowing through this venomous vermin. Holding the tail will only enrage the evil within and without action, the centipede will free itself and skitter away to avoid meeting it’s own end. Of course, trying to hit the head while it’s frantically moving to keep it’s life is another challenge. In this case, once I have it pinned, I look for the one item I know will put terminate the life of this terror: bug spray. I wield the can over my head and begin, “by the power of black flag. I have the poison!” And spray like my life depends on it (NOTE: I am not allergic to centipedes bites, but seriously, do you really think I want to endure the searing pain of its bite?). A cloud of poison surrounds the carnivorous creep of many legs and suffocates it. It wriggles in pain and, to my satisfaction, becomes a pinned lifeless body. The battle is over. I am victorious. Only one remaining action needs to be completed to restore peace in my sanctuary: flushed the shriveled carcass down the whirlpool of water to the waste plant and away from me, forever.

This is usually what takes place when I encounter a centipede. I am grateful I don’t have a phobia against this arthropods because I do know some people who become frozen when they come eye to legs with these critters. What would happen if the centipede were to escape its destiny with death against me? Well, in that case, I can assure you the hunt continues until I do find this lengthy body of legs. In most cases, it becomes the opening of this narrative. I am awaken by the sounds of the creepy crawler rummaging over papers and other misplaced items on the floor (come to think of it, maybe I should just leave all these items on the floor. I’ll call it my own home security system, especially when I have guests over and they unanimously agree my place is a mess). When I start to hear the movement through my slumber, I immediately know what it is: the escaped crawling convict. Of course, slaying this slithering sneak after deep slumber is a little trickier than if I were wide awake. I need to quickly snap out of my dream state and become like a dream warrior from Nightmare on Elm Street. The centipede many have the body, but I definitely have the brain to outsmart it before it hides for the second time. I have to succeed because failure means, I’m staying up for the remainder of the night. It is impossible to return to the peaceful sleep I once held until I am confident the creature is flushed away to darker days.

I know many people may be wondering: why do we even have centipedes? They do have a purpose for being in your home, other than scaring the living daylights out of you, or trying to poison you instead of what it really should be going after. If you have other house pests (i.e. cockroaches, termites, flies, etc), that’s where the multi-legged menace can become horrific heroes. They love to eat the pests you love to hate. It’s their food and centipedes are only trying to survive, so they enter your home to hunt and eat those insects.

Regardless of the purpose of centipede’s mission in life, I will still continue to battle these beasts when I see them. I can handle spiders, but I draw the line at centipedes. However, now knowing what they can be useful for, perhaps you would like to adopt a family of centipedes from me?