Hello, my name is...

What’s in a name, a reference, a social identification that influences the way you see yourself, how others see you, your destiny?

When I was little, my name was Ning. It is still a part of me, as my silent middle name. It’s meaning translates as inner peace. Ning Wang was my full name, last name pronounced Wong. I was a quiet and an easy child by all accounts. Fitting to the name’s meaning, I seemed to go along peaceably.

Growing up, we ate dinner together as a family every night. I have two younger siblings, fraternal twins - a brother and a sister. During these dinners, my brother would entertain us and himself and us with jokes and silliness. I will admit he could be creative. One night he found out that he enjoyed rhyming my name. Ning Wang, King Kong, ding dong, ping pong. And this progressed into making word combinations, only the best for his sister. Fat“ning”, thick“ning”, sick“ning”. Flustered I got in a good thin“ning” or light“ning”, unfortunately the joke rode for what in my memory feels like weeks.

He is in the 2nd grade at that time, me in the 4th grade, when his comedy routine took root at the dining table. In my 9 year old mind he is skating on thin ice, but I am at a loss on how to get him to stop. Then one fateful night he blurts out “ning”compoop. Laughing and proud he starts chanting it. I knew this was not good, having a vague idea of it’s meaning (quickly Googled - nincompoop is defined as a “foolish or stupid person”). I am as horrified as he is pleased, loving the treasure he has found. As he laughs it up, daggers are shooting from my eyes and to this day I still remember going to bed that night and dreaming of karate kicking him.

To my dad’s dismay, I wake up the next day and decide that from then on I will no longer go by Ning. The name is ruined forever. I am nine year old. I reluctantly turn to my first name, Margaret. I had never felt like a Margaret, it seemed like such a older person’s name, so serious, like a librarian. This is what I thought when I shifted and adopted my new identity. Margaret means pearl. From inner peace to pearl. To this day, my dad still calls me Ning.

In parallel timing with my name change was enrollment in a new school. A private school where I came in from a lower economic class than my school mates. A wonderful opportunity, touted my parents, that soon threw me into questions about my socioeconomic status, something I had never been concerned about before. I changed my name and now my environment. My identity crises bloomed as I attempted to reconcile who I was and where I fit. As many of us, subjected to the trauma of fitting in.

Throughout my years I have had many nicknames - Mars, Marsbars, Marguerite, Margarita, Margarena, Marge, Meg, Mags, Magster, Maggie. I am sure I have missed a few. Margaret didn’t quite fit for others as much as for myself. Perhaps a mirror reflecting my feelings. Like most anything else, I acclimated and became one with it, year after year, form after form, signature after signature. Lest I get started on handwriting analysis for confirmation of self-identity.

I have been married twice, this time transitioning my identity through my last name and washing away the remnants of my ethnic heritage. I take on a new layer of how I’m seen in the world, the different characteristics in sounds, inference, culture, and for any relevant event being listed alphabetically. All about a name. If I use “Margaret” I am responded to more formally and professionally. I am a “Mrs” and all that entails. Who am I?

When we meet someone and get to know each other, our names are one of the first impressions of one another. It is part of our identity and a glimpse into who we are. The names we were given at birth and subsequently referred to from the outset of our lives, including any radical shifts, shapes our stories, our sense of self. People decide within 3 seconds what they think about you. (1) Not much time or information to make that first impression. How much can your name bear in that decision? Thankfully, we may be given more opportunities to define ourselves. It is important to recognize that the words that are used to define our lives and our human nature to categorize everything, may lead us to make haste conclusions about what we know about each other. We are much more then those 3 seconds, that merely scrapes the surface.

In an article “6 Ways That Your Name Influences Your Decisions”(2), the data considered highlighted some judgments we make about a person based on name alone. Such as whether they could make a good mate or would they be a good employee. Who I am, if someone has nothing else but my name to go on?

I have joked with my brother that he may have changed my life’s path that day, my destiny. Research(3) indicates that there is a correlation in inherent biases that effect your decisions and what you believe about yourself and others. You will pursue what you already believe, about a name, and about everything else you experience. At best, you are set up for healthy choices. At worst, your future and others may suffer greatly based on biases.

I do firmly believe that ultimately our destiny is our own to create from within. The creation and development of our life belongs to us regardless of, or perhaps by overcoming, our name and given conditions. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."(4) This quote by Shakespeare captures the idea that a name does not contain our essence. An interesting curiosity about William Shakespeare is that there is doubt as to whether he was a real person. The name may have been a pseudonym, used to by someone to hide their identity. All about a name.

(1) Shana Lebowitz, Allan Achtar, Caroline Hroncich, “12 Things People Decide Within Seconds of Meeting You” (Business Insider, 2/10/2020) https://www.businessinsider.com/things-people-decide-about-you-in-seconds-2016-11

(2) Juliana Breines PhD, “6 Ways that Your Name Influences Your Decisions” (Psychology Today, 2/26/2016) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-love-and-war/201602/6-ways-your-name-influences-your-decisions

(3) Geoffrey L. Cohan, “Identity, Belief, and Bias” (Chapter to appear in J.Hansen (Ed), Ideaology, Psychology, and Law) https://ed.stanford.edu/sites/default/files/cohen_chap_hanson.pdf

(4) William Shakespeare, “Romeo and Juliet” (Act 2, Scene 2)