Uncle Chut’s Bedtime Stories

Preliloqy: The Origin of Jubil the Conqueror

Uncle Chut’s Bedtime Stories
Come sit by the fire for Uncle Chut’s Bedtime Stories


Jubiii's aliiive!!!

Hurray! I always believed! Lets prophecy of his imminent return!

He will wield a fiery sword and ride a giant flying narwhal. The tusk of which wouldst turn all who touch it to Rock!

The clouds will turn to rainbows and the rainbows to double rainbows. Triple rainbows will be left out. Quadruple rainbows will turn into clouds and fractal psychic lavender lightning will shoot from his mandolin to soothe any and all who find themselves in his quantum wake.

Flying alongside him the host of fantastic ligercorns will rain sonic furry as his fiery sound spurs them on toward battle and victory. With all the buildings raised to the ground, the inorganic beings will be forced to flee back inside the earth to their stronghold.

There a secret galactic gate has been hidden for millennia...

That’s a tale for another time.

Will Jubil journey to the heart of the planet?

Will his narwhal eat all the ligercorns to survive the epic quest?

Are the inorganic beings plotting something or are they just squatting something?

The answer to all these questions are one and the same.


However none of these questions matter compared to the power of JKWs doom goggles.

When wearing the goggles of doom no questions can physically or mentally be asked anywhere.

This sacred tool of power was entrusted to Lord KWong by the Eon of Eclectica with the warning that the goggles of doom were only to be used when it was of the most dire need or if the dire wolf puppies were asking him too many questions.

However, the consequences, though imperceptible to him, would spread through space time trans dimensionally and consume ideas that no one had even had the chance to ask themselves about yet or formulate questions for.

And although this was acceptable as quantum hairline cracks, it would spread like lightning striking a pond if the goggles were worn too long.

Unfortunately, direwolf puppies ask questions incessantly and wearing the goggles was out of the question, so they would have to be used as a trojan puppy wagon to infiltrate the inorganic beings' stronghold.

The inorganic beings love to dress direwolf puppies in little space suits with copper bowties and take family photos with them. Sometimes with the visor down and other times with it up so you can see their cute little tongues hangin out of their mouths.

While distracted, JK Dubs came crashing through the ectoplasmic membrane of the world womb and locate the galactic gate.

Only this time, the inorganic beings thought ahead and packed lunches for everyone. Even the direwolf puppies. Everyone got in the van and brought a picnic to the galactic gate.

There was wine and cheese. Fresh bread from the cobb oven, raw butter, and honey from the nectar of the digging bees.

One of the inorganic beings was so surprised to see Jubil atop his mighty steed that he emitted a frequency that in inorganic basic amounts to, "Spinach!" and just as he was about to ask a question...

I yearn to hear tell all of the prophecy's fullness. The crack in my head where the muse escapes takes some scalp washing to open the faucet of seership, however a scratch to the left hemisphere of my skull in precisely the right place may release some teaser questions...

Hold on, I'll give it a go .

The muse mentions Jubilator the Conqueror. Is this certain victory or the final test of courage Lord Kwong must face... his doppleflanger!?

The inorganic beings are vibration like everything. When the narwhal's tusk strikes them do they turn into rock gods or just energy drink crystals?

Will there be a ligercorn quidditch match to determine who has to clean up after the picnic?!?

Will the dire puppy photos be available in wallet and portrait sizes for all the inorganic beings relatives?

Who has the goggles of doom duped?


Thats all I got. I dare not perform the sacred scalp cleanse 'til the wee hours of the morn lest I leave the link exposed in the night.

Indeed for now it is within your sacred-handled drink glasses that I will pour the overflowing liquid of story.

You must choose who to include in its telling and hearings.

That direwolf puppy looks ready for space travel. A standard inorganic copper bowtie is all you need.

The cleanse performance is the heralding of sleep and as such it can neither be confirmed nor denied as to whether there is actual scheduling or if anyone in the office organizes anything. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who still refills the paper bay in the copier. I can smoke at my desk and no one is close enough to care. I've taken to opening everyone's mail for them and collating it in an old school library science kind of way. Sometimes I review my collection as if it were a rare set of records and compose songs using seemingly unconnected lines with each other to create verbal fishing hooks into my creative subconscious.

Every now and again I effectively lobotomize myself and open up space for the emptiness.

Gather round the imaginary campfire in our digital hearts friends. For as was prophesied, Jubil has returned and all oaths to creation will be fulfilled.

There o'er the chasm, Jubilator the Conqueror gazed but for a moment before his imminent decent, without the goggles of doom which he wanted so badly, into the abysmal traffic of the freeway on IG88 just as levitation season was getting gooey.

10 minutes before Jubilator the Conqueror hadn't even come into existence, and 9 minutes prior he was merely the apparition conjured by the inorganic beings when the ligercorns quidditch match, with a dragon ball as the snitch, had knocked over the wine and scratched the gramophone.

Lord Kwong, with the goggles of doom around his neck, upon seeing Jubilator the Conqueror, immediately recognized him to be his doppleflanger and reached for his lavender incense. Only a calm mind would see him through this test of tests, and plus they were giving out free samples at the picnic and he was considering purchasing a gift box for his sweetheart on the other side of the galactic gate.

To cross the gate, JKW would have to leap into the chasm at the center of the Earth, grasp the kernel of enlightenment, and then use its energy to invert his consciousness in upon itself until an infinite donut brain pattern formed (refer to diagram c in addendum H). If he rushed his doppleflanger, perhaps he could leap past him into the chasm. The ligercorns were losing the game of dice to determine who had to clean up after the picnic and soon the inorganic beings would be free of responsibilities and distractions. There wasn't a moment to lose or find as suddenly the Eon of Eclectica appeared and spoke.

Read next: Understanding the Collective Intelligence of Pro-opinion
Charles Utter
See all posts by Charles Utter