The Chapstick That Changed Everyone's Life

“Mommy, can you tell me a bedtime story?” Peter pleaded.

Outside, thunder clapped and rain pattered off the roofs. Inside, Peter snuggled in the blanket of his race car bed.

“Of course, dear,” Victoria said to her son.

“A long time ago, also known as the year of 1997, my lips were chapped. Very chapped. I slid my fingers through my piggy bank, and took 10 $1 bills out. It was midday when I walked to the corner store.

"What?" asked the clerk.

He was very rude, seeing as though I simply wanted chapstick.

Ignoring the man’s insolence, I looked at the gum underneath the counter.

"Can I get that too? I want the spearmint kind."

I handed him 2 of my bills and he gave me my chapstick and gum. I skipped back home, lips nourished and smacking on my gum. I must’ve carried the whole sun in my smile because boys and girls stopped and stared as I walked, which had never happened before.

"Do you want to go on a date? We can go to the movies," boys begged.

"No, thanks,"

I'd just applied another coat of chapstick when out of the blue, a charming young man approached me. I’d never seen this boy before. What is this young man doing, coming my way?! I thought.

"Hey,” he smirked flirtatiously.

I tried to twirl my hair, like I’d seen in Clueless. This boy must’ve been so attractive, I forgot that my hair was too coily to twirl and twist like that. My hair suffocated my fingernail and snapped it straight off! Even worse, it was stuck!

"Erm…" the boy shifted his feet uncomfortably, "You have… uhm… s-something" he pointed, "In your hair,"

The same kids who looked at me in awe 15 minutes before, were the same ones who howled at my unfortunate occurrence.

"Look at Victoria, she has a fingernail stuck in her hair!" they roared.

I quickly rummaged it out.

"That's alright. My name is Dylan. Do you wanna go see Titanic together?" the boy pondered.

Something about this boy; his golden hair, freckled face, and his overall existence made me attracted to him like he was a flower, and I was the hungriest bee alive.

"I’ll pick you up at 6. And maybe we'll go to Kissing Lake,” Dylan winked.

Kissing Lake was exactly what it sounded like. The older kids went there with their significant others and came back with hickeys -not that you should know what those are. Anyways, the way Dylan suggested going to the movies together was more like a demand instead of a question. And I happily obliged.

At 6 sharp, I showed up at the movie theater. With the money I’d grabbed at the beginning of the day, I paid for the tickets and a bag of popcorn. I waited and waited. Still Dylan was nowhere to be found! To make matters worse, I didn't have any money left! Disappointed, I started walking back home. The sun I had in my smile a few hours back had quickly set. Then, I tripped over a rock and lost consciousness.

I woke up lightheaded. I found myself in a spaceship.

"Ah, she gained consciousness, Sargent." a dark figure said.

"Finally," something tall turned at me, "You are Victoria, correct?"

"Umm… y-yes. Why?"

"You have something we want," he stepped out of the darkness, revealing his ghoulish, alien face.

"Gum?" I offered a stick to him.

The alien sighed and rubbed his gooey fingers against his bulging temples.

"Do you have the chapstick you bought exactly 6 hours and 12 minutes ago?"

I took chapstick from my pocket, surprised it was still there. "Why do you want it?" I asked.

"I cannot disclose that confidential information with you. However, I will pay you 20,000 dollars and we'll let you on our home planet for a week if you give it to me,"

"$20,000?! I’d be, like, rich!"

He rubbed his temples for the second time.

"Ay, ay, ay," he exclaimed in despair.

I gave him my chapstick with pleasure and then took the money. By this time, I was a lot less disoriented, so I noticed the glowing green rim around the inside of the ufo. I didn't look twice at the black notebook the Sargent carried with him all the time. Long after Sargent and his secretary left, I explored the ship until I reached a room. I quietly cracked the door open.

"We cannot let that human girl know. If she knew, she'd take the gem with her," a hushed voice complained.

"Shut up! She won't know because I'll make sure of it," I recognized the voice. Sargent. What doesn't he want me to know? I asked myself. Right then, I didn't care about the risk of it getting caught eavesdropping, I burst into the room.

"What are you keeping from me?!" I demanded.

Sargent grinned evilly.

"Ah, and here I was, foolishly thinking this human would mind her own business. Since you were so nosy, I'll tell you what I have in store for you and your hideous humans. Your chapstick is made of a special gem called Ilihirdia. Although it's a small concentration, this gem makes others fall in love with you for exactly 15 minutes. Which, of course, is why your date- what was it...Dylan?- never showed up. My plan, which you are incapable of stopping, is to make every world leader fall in love with me. When they're too busy fighting for me, they'll destroy each other, leaving me a free planet to colonize! Isn't it wonderful," he jumped with glee and clapped cheerfully.

I think I yelled something along the lines of, "Who said I can't stop you?"

Apparently, Sargent treated his employees cruelly. The one he was particularly mean to, was his secretary, a kid around my age, named Klivor. Once he stood he stood up to Sargent, by repeating what I'd said, everyone chimed in. Before Sargent could utilize my Ilihirdia chapstick, I did a front flip and snatched it from his slimy fingers. To make a long story short, Peter, we beat the bad guy.

So Klivor, the first guy who stood up to Sargent, came up to me.

"Hey. That was crazy, right?"

Before I could answer, he said, "I'm Klivor. I think this belongs to you," He handed me the black book, as silly as it was. It wrote:

What to do when Humans stress you out *according to therapist*:

1) Rub temples

2.) Offer them money (they'll go crazy for it!)

3.) Belittle them (make it personal)

4.) Say "Ay, ay, ay," or "oh. my. gosh."

5.) Offer short vacation

"Do you want to go on a date?" I asked Klivor, finally noticing how hot he was.

The smell of my spearmint gum I chewed must've put him in a trance because 5 years later, we got married. The following year, I permanently moved from Chicago, became Queen of our colony, and had you! And to think, if my lips weren’t chapped, I wouldn’t have met you dad!”

Victoria finally finished. When she finished her story, half alien Peter, was already sound asleep, snoring into the night.

"G'night Peter. Love ya, kiddo." She tucked him in his bed and turned off the light.