The Apocalypse is Always Tomorrow: Bad Robot | Part 2

CONTINUED FROM PART ONE

“A strategic attack from all directions and multiple altitudes could lock AbelBody into a cylindrical firing range with no escape...but death!” Some fancy military guy with a bunch of stripes and stars and bars and medals and badges said. With great atmosphere and ambience, the barrel chested war hero threw the oval office into a fury of hope.

His ornaments jingling and jangling as he robustedly prowled the room like a gorilla-jungle-cat hell spawn. The light bouncing off of the bald center of his head seemed to illuminate the entire room as he lifted the spirits of all in attendance to the greatest heights possible (given the terrifying circumstances). This was their best shot to destroy the unnatural, metal beast.

After AbelBody destroyed all 1,244 Apache Helicopters with 1,137 tactical nukes, [Total Remaining Super Tactical Nuclear Arsenal: 8,889] he realized that this particular death machine was going to be a continued threat to his existence and to the peace of the world. He did a quick database search and discovered that there had been approximately 2000 made to date. He sought and destroyed approximately 756 more, give or take the rest of them.

As a commemoration for the misled yet beautiful machine, AbelBody fashioned a mighty breastplate from the Apache as a gift for his struggling brother. A spoil of war, and a good look!

Convinced that the helicopter fiasco was another communist plot, AbelBody decided to take it upon himself to execute his directive to the maximum, without any clearance or proper protocol. He couldn’t imagine any other reason that he had been awakened, but that the communist take over was imminent.

Extreme situations require extreme measures. Modern problems require modern solutions. Ends justify the means and all that jazz.

...Poor China.

Total Remaining Super Tactical Nuclear Arsenal: 1,787

I don’t think that new China could really be compared to old China, but you know what they say...It’s all in the name, and China’s was the Chinese Communist Party. Kind of hard to explain your way out of that one!

Vladimir Putin kept a really cool head about the whole thing. He invited AbelBody over for drinks. They watched old footage of Reagan and Gorbachev, the Berlin Wall and the brave Mujahideen, all of which brought about the U.S.S.R.’s historic fall. This convinced AbelBody that communism had long been dead in Russia.

To celebrate the wise decision to spare the Russian Federation, Putin treated him to an elegant feast of Russian Caviar, Pirozhki, Olivier salad, pickled cucumbers, Zakuski, Shashlik and Kulich for dessert. Kulich was also a traditional religious dish. Vladimir thought it was fitting to give thanks to the Lord as the entire Russian population had narrowly missed mass genocide.

AbelBody told Putin he didn’t believe in God. Putin said, “шляпа в порядке, это не для всех. Но это держит людей счастливыми” (“That’s ok, it's not for everyone. But it keeps the people happy.”)

Abelbody said that his sensors detected that the food was not poisoned (which was good for everyone). His sensors were also able to detect that the food had been well prepared, though he could not taste it, because he was a robot. Putin said he was sorry. AbelBody said it was ok.

We all have our cross to bear.

After China floated off into the sea in many pieces, it was decided that AbelBody was an international threat. I mean, even the communists pitched in!

Awful nice of them, especially after they found out why all this was happening in the first place!

If I were a communist, I might have been obliged to let it work itself out. Maybe just out of spite.

Anyway.

The final assault was a grand spectacle of the excellence of humankind. All matter of land, air and sea vessels from all around the world joined the fight!

Except for Putin of course.

He kind of liked AbelBody.

The rest of the world went back into a new and glorious age of war. Factories shot up in every town worth its salt in human sweat and building materials. People left the careers that gave them some small shred of purpose outside of the sprawl of the drabe existence to shape aluminum with rubber mallets, drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, gripe about the boss and spit into cans and shit. They flexed their muscles and posed with confident hardened faces for colorized posters made to persuade everyone else too tolerant and peaceful to join in the first place.

After that the people were forcefully coerced.

The rest were killed for treason.

At one point, AbelBody became suspicious of all the happenings and hoorah and busy-bodiedness. He asked them all what they were doing.

“Preparing to destroy the Reds with you!” They all replied.

AbelBody fell for it. Poor sap.

The humans worked well into the late hours of the day, every day, for many days. They conspired by candlelight, drew out maps, schematics and battle plans; created elaborate secret handshakes, funkifying the ritual with all manner of hand articulations that robots were not akinned to. They did it in the name of great disgust for all things metal and thinking. They made secret toasts to the labor of humanity and the day that they would again reign supreme on planet Earth.

They also made toast.

But only over an open fire!

Not even the toasters could be trusted. Mostly because all the toasters were in fact smart toasters and communicated directly with AbelBody.

It would have seemed a bit ridiculous to not trust a toaster in general...

Anyway.

You get the idea.

It was the first time in human history that it truly didn’t matter what color you were, what flag you gawked passionately at with a hand over your heart, what football team you painted your face and squawked like an idiot for, the god you prayed to, or whether or not you thought Hermione should have ended up with Harry or Ron. All that mattered was the collective fate of the human race. Some even wondered, in the very back of their minds, why they needed a Psychopathic Killer Robot Emergency (PKRE) to finally work together toward the collective greatness of humanity.

No one pointed fingers

No one made excuses.

All embraced their strengths and weaknesses.

Individually and collectively.

Amen-

Anyway.

All at once the humans launched their attack! From all angles and dimensions, X, Y and Z!

Land, air, and water!

Outerspace, innerspace and cyberspace!

And now, a nice little poem I wrote for you. I hope you enjoy. “Ahem”

"The sky was set ablaze

criss crossed with the carbon winds

of rockets hanging in the heavens

for days and days and days and days and days."

What did you think? Was it nice? I hope you liked it.

Anyway.

TO BE CONTINUED