Segunda

We stayed in the hospital for three days after my daughter was born. We both needed tests done.

“First child?” the nurse asked as he ushered us in from the waiting room. I shook & nodded my head all at once.

My boyfriend, Charles, briefly placed his face in his hand.

Birth scared me. Life scared me.

I wanted to go home to my baby. Charles convinced me to keep her home.

We’re leaving her in great hands, he said, giving a gesticulation of thanks to our friend, Lena.

She nodded & said good luck as we left through the front door. She held my baby effortlessly on her hip. I cringed at my baby’s cries as we left the driveway.

During the day they let me hold my brand-new daughter. I looked at her marble eyes & toy hands & listened for her coughing heart.

I felt sorrow. For bringing her into this world. For leaving other baby behind.

I promised other baby she’d have my attention forever. Now it’s divided, distracted.

Charles said I should name our new baby. He said despite Footloose ‘Baby’ was not a proper name.

Segunda, I said. Charles’ eyes shifted away from me.

We took Segunda home. She searched for my breast everywhere.

She searched for it in fingers. She believed it to be behind Charles’ shirt.

Charles stayed up most nights rocking Segunda to sleep. He changed her diaper & burped her.

He closed his eyes to see if she would mimic. He searched for his features in her.

He decided she had his mouth and his complexion. He wasn’t sure what she’d gotten from me.

I stayed upstairs, playing toys with other baby. I sprawled out on the floor and taught her to make carpet angels.

I taught her how to clean up clean up everybody clean up.

Charles started to get annoyed with my divided attention. I told him: if we had a baby together, I’d never abandon other baby.

My other baby was three-years-old. She wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready.

I started pumping my milk & leaving it in the fridge downstairs. I provided for Segunda without having to ignore OB (other baby.)

Pretty soon Segunda was crawling. Then stumbling. Then walking.

Begging me to take her outside. Out into that world.

I would allow her the backyard. Only if you take OB, I said.

She & OB ran out into the backyard. When it started to rain I rushed out to protect OB.

I hid her under my shirt & ran to the house.

Segunda cried & cried.

Charles emerged from his office at the sound of Segunda’s crying.

Segunda, he said, come inside.

I rocked OB and dried her skin. Charles dried Segunda off, throwing looks like darts in my direction.

When it came time for OB’s first day of school, Charles refused to come. He wanted to keep OB home. To protect her, he said. To protect you, he whispered.

I cried & left the house. After I dropped OB off, I didn’t go home. I drove the freeway until it ended. Then I winded up and down hills for hours.

When I got to OB’s school to take her home, the teacher wanted to talk.

I’m concerned, she said. OB seems like a very intelligent girl, but she lacks social skills.

I took some brochures from the teacher & OB & I quickly went home.

I closed the door behind me & locked every lock.

Mommy, OB said.

Yes, OB.

Kids at school said I’m different.

No, no, no, no, no, I said, hoping that was the end.

When it became time for Segunda’s first day, Charles took her.

He brought his DSLR & walked to the classroom with joy.

After class the teacher pulled us aside to talk.

Segunda is beyond her years, she said.

I picked up OB from third grade. The teacher avoided eye contact.

Mommy, Segunda said, what’s a simulation?

I placed my hands over OB’s ears.

Where did you hear that word? I snipped.

The kids at school, she said, they said OB isn’t real.

Charles eyed me & sent Segunda up to her room.

I think it would be better if we sent OB to Lena’s for a while, he said.

I cried & protested & the next thing I know Charles & Segunda were packing their things.

I searched & searched for OB.

I found her in the bathtub, lifeless.

I pushed her power button, but her eyes remained closed.

I ran her to the Simulation & Me doctor.

They said there was nothing they could do.

I can make a copy of her memories, he said.

I nodded and took the USB stick. I called Charles, but he didn’t answer.

I went into the backyard & dug & dug. The rain came down & soaked me.

I placed the USB stick into the soil & said a hopeless prayer for my other baby.