⊹Sea Goat Be Goat⊹

I am not going to claim that I know what the hell is going on here on Planet Earth. Most days I feel like we are just spinning around, no direction, an empty universe. As real as those morose thoughts are for me, I do have hope that there is more, something tying us all together, something that might explain my purpose in this chaotic existence. My Sun Sign, Capricorn, helps me understand more about myself, whether it is a strong connection to the universe, or simply a way to relate to my own surroundings. I assume if you are interested in reading this you have a basic understanding of Astrology, so I am not going to spend much time preaching about the constellations, but instead dissect a few parts of myself, and vulnerably display them for your reading pleasure.

Growing up in a Christian home, I was not introduced to anything my mother deemed a ‘New Age’ religion or way of thinking. Along with Tarot, Weegie Boards, Crystal Magic, Pendulums, Palm Reading, Mediums, Yoga, Reiki, and Harry Potter. I am sure someone out there reading this, had a similar upbringing and can relate to this kind of pedagogy. Eventually I grew up, moved out on my own, shifted away from some of my parents’ convictions, and attempted to develop my own. Today, twenty-seven year old me finds comfort in a stone or crystal, when simply holding something of intention can help to ground me. Reading Tarot for insight or guidance is fun, and can be a great way to give into change, and remind yourself to go with the flow.

My Pinterest board for all things Capricorn, is called ‘SeaGoat’, and is filled with relatable quotes and memes. Sometimes, when I have strong disassociation, I like to scroll and “pin” myself back to reality, fitting myself neatly into an identity. Even if you find the Zodiac stupid or implausible, it can be a great replacement for the loss of connection to a religion, allowing yourself to be a freethinker, untethered, whilst caving to the insufferable human condition. I am a sucker for over-analyzing a topic, especially when it wriggles into existential crisis, philosophy, why we are here, and whether this is all a sick joke brought about by some all-knowing, invisible deity. These are the dark, bothersome thoughts of a Capricorn like me, wallowing in the pits of contemplation that usually make one nauseous to ponder for too long.

I like to think of my Natal Chart as rather unique. While the planets in a person’s chart are usually a mosaic of the twelve signs and their houses, my Natal Chart is almost all Capricorn, meaning I appear to others, relate, think, love, and express myself as my sun sign does. Having back-to-back planets in one sign has its benefits, as well as a hearty soup of rough side effects. For instance, I often burn white hot, consuming my to do list with a fiery flow, steady until the task at hand is complete and executed thoroughly. This energy pairs well with my tendency to procrastinate to the fullest extent of the word. I would even go as far to say that I often produce better work when my time is limited and the fear of looking like an idiot for coming up short is crouched behind me.

Obviously I cannot see myself from someone else’s perspective, but in general I feel that the way I come across, talk, and interact closely follows my placements in the sign. When working professionally, I feel a full body suit descend over my head and zip up the back. This suit even has feet, like footy pajamas. I stay inside this shell until I am in the clear, alone, or with the few people closest to me. I am immediately turned off by individuals in a workplace blatantly disregarding their “clocked in” status, treating their position too casually. Poor customer service, attitude, and rudeness shoots up my spine instantaneously, whether or not my displeasure shows on the surface. This feeling increases when I am the employee, being talked to condescendingly. For whatever reason, or in this case, because of my intense Capricorn roots, thinking clearly in moments where someone is actively patronizing me, really gets my goat, pun intended.

In friendships, I tend to almost be romantic. If you are close to me and there is an equal exchange of respect and kindness, my efforts to make you happy are limitless. I even have a list of all the things I would do for my friends if I ever pulled myself together and finished my book series - assuming it is successful of course. This applies to my married life as well. I desire to reach a level of emotional intimacy that confounds the laws of nature and mimics the supernatural. I am highly allergic to conflict, feeling my guts form a fist when there is any kind of friction. As I get older I see how important communication is, especially with yourself. Learning to decide what feedback you choose to accept is a talent, one I am fervently pursuing. I relate these issues and aims to my Capricorn Venus. I naturally distrust people who vibe as ingenuine, but at the same time, I am unable to feel confident when one of those people criticize me. I am working hard to choose whose opinions or beratements are allowed to influence me.

Giving more to others and less to myself is, in my perspective, the essence of a true Capricorn. A person who would do anything for you, but will most definitely hold a grudge if you are not grateful, or begin to take advantage of their generosity. Perhaps simply having genuine friendships is rather like a goal or task for us. A relationship ending poorly, or existing with complications is in fact a failure to the Capricorn, who finds it hard to accept that they were not able to keep the relationship afloat with their hard work. This is stifling, not only because of the loss, but because it shines a bright light on the vast ocean of things we cannot control with our strong, diligent toiling. This can also create a disconnect in my relationship with my partner. When I feel that we are not whole-heartedly linked, my thoughts and feelings easily slip, and I begin to question the legitimacy of the solid ground beneath me.

My mother used to call me serious when I was a young kid. She would ask me why I could not relax and take things, as most children do, focused on the fun to be had rather than structure. I remember clearly at my eleventh birthday party trying to coordinate the game Capture the Flag with a handful of friends. Utterly dismayed and overwhelmed by the casual mindset everyone but I had. This was important! How could they not see that we chose to play this game. If we are not going to play with the ferocity of a Viking, then why even bother? The same issues resulted while trying to rehearse a scratch theatre drama with friends for our parents. If I was not the director, chaos. Chaos in my mind, relinquishing control to someone who cares less about the outcome of the endeavour. Lack of control over my peers was not the driving force behind the immense stress, it was knowing that I knew how to get the best possible results, as efficiently as possible.

These patterns followed me into adulthood as I navigated the world of full time jobs. I have rarely been satisfied with any work involving an incompetent hierarchy, who are unable to see the potential for greatness. In many ways I am quiet and not forceful, however; I feel strongly familiar with the apparent struggles Dwight K Schrutt wades through on a daily basis. He knows what kind of effort and constant vigilance needs to be obtained to reach optimal potential, but is kept subdued, longing for the control that comes with being the Manager. If only I had that position so that I could fix everything, not only for myself, but for the good of all. I am sure Dwight sought power for more reasons than Dunder Mifflin’s growth potential. His raw passion, longing for greatness, achieving the ultimate, that is how I feel as a sextuplet Capricorn, living in the world today.

Depression happened to be the peg that nailed me against the ground. Around the age of twenty-three, there was a noticeable change in my mood and energy. Since then I have struggled everyday with the motivation to pull myself out of bed and accomplish much of anything. This has greatly impacted the way I see myself now and the way I relate to my sign. There is a push, a teeth baring that I have lost along the way. For the most part I am not interested in getting out there and changing the world, either on a large scale or a small one. In a way, I am relieved by the dampening of spirit. Keeping up with my own desires often led to immense burn out, resulting in a yo-yo effect between productivity and complete nothingness. Today I search for the balance. I am learning to reinvent what I thought it meant to be a Capricorn and conquer. Life is way too short and uncontrollable to try and force anything into a perfect mold.

Often I do not follow my own advice. Saying a thing is much easier than following through. This new world, often dark for me, is packed full of ups and downs. There is no room left for me to dedicate to unrelenting good deeds, constant production, and enormous feats of will. Reimagining what my Capricorn life can be day by day, breathing deeply, and simply doing the next right thing is all the energy I can muster. I am thankful for that. If the universe is in more control than we know of, and energy or spirit exists, whatever the cosmic pull between the stars and humans is, we really can’t know for sure. If there is a deeper meaning to my zodiac, if I act and work and love in a way unique to me and my sign, it would make a lot of sense to me. Will I get up everyday and rely on a horoscope to determine my movements? - No. There is a fine line between healthy guidance and impervious faith.