Rotary or Die!

Well, I didn't even notice...at first.

Please, sit up straight. No reason to ruin your posture just because of a phone.

You wanted to know why I was so calm in the middle of all this nonsense and noise, and I am going to try to be as honest as a lady can when there seems to be no more rules to follow.

The first I heard of it was a warning on the radio that there might be some technical difficulties with our phones. ''Our phones...'' Rather presumptuous. I have been using my old rotary for so many years and had no idea that I was old fashioned until my grandchildren stared at it on the wall and they wondered how anyone could use such a thing. Ridiculous...

Here, let me get that for you.

Anyway, I should not laugh. I remember the first time my father brought home a TV and my mother laughed so hard that I thought she would collapse into the mashed potatoes. ''Who in the world is ever going to waste their time staring at a box?'' Oh, dear, dear... If she only knew...

Yes, I am getting to that.

The news announced that people could no longer use their phones and that put me into a panic for at least a little moment. I soon realized that I was quite safe...and in a very unique position.

I had a working phone.

Please relax. You brought this all on yourself.

And do not interrupt me! Young people these days...

So, I had a phone that was not on someone's cell tower - is that what they use? - or connected to some silly satellite, and I could still reach a few very old friends who did not make the jump to something straight out of a James Bond movie.

We formed a plan.

No, no, no... I am not giving your any name here. You just have to imagine who are the ones who still have those old-fashioned phones and did not give them up; the ones who don't feel like they should pay for the privilege of owning one. It is truly amazing how that has changed in the last thirty years. So silly you young people jumping on with them.

And then you wonder why you just fell apart without them.

No, I did not come up with that ridiculous slogan. ''Rotary or Die''. Such nonsense. You really think that I am one of those...''urban vigilantes'' who wants to change the world? Such silliness. I did not even know what ''rotary'' meant until the newspapers started to talk about it, and the ones on the radio who had their own shows.

It is nice to have them back, right? The newspapers... They all came back because people still wanted to communicate and share what they knew. That was one of the best things about not having you all running around with those devices that you treated like a new drug. Doesn't it feel better not having to stare at all of those screens? Doesn't it make you feel better that you can have a choice?

Yes, withdrawal is really painful. I always said it and I will say it again: a drug is a drug. I have my tea and biscuits, and one cup of coffee in the morning to keep my head on straight, but nothing else. I really did need it today when you showed up.

Did you really think that it would be that simple? An old woman out in the middle of nowhere and you with no weapon and...no manners? No, it was not right and you kept demanding if I was...one of them.

Silliness all over.

And it is so unfortunate that you revealed so much about why you were on my doorstep. My friends are not a part of that nonsense ''Rotary'' group...but they do know some who are. And really, you are a poor representative of our tax dollars at work. It is none of you business what I do with my free time, young man. My life is my life. My phone is my phone.

You should understand that.

And I think that you should not be shocked by any of this. I have all sorts of drinks in here and you really did not pay much attention to the taste, did you?

And it is a farm. Or it was one when my late husband ran it. He showed me all of the tricks he needed. That included the ropes and knots I used on you. It really is an acquired skill I never thought I'd use again. And then you showed up.

And they know the ropes, too. A sad little joke...

Yes, you'll see them soon.

I'm just waiting for a call.

*

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