Moksha

Sound, like all forms of energy, creates a detectable vibration in the physical realm when the correct tools of measurement are utilised. I sat, cross-legged on the floor in my finest crimson dress, mesmerised by the throbbing of the speakers. The rest of the wedding guests were dancing around me, seemingly oblivious. I was used to being overlooked, but for the first time, I decided that I was okay with it. They were missing the greatest show on Earth – this pulsating symbol of un-manifest movement - and their ignorance did not make it any less magnificent.

‘We’re the same,’ I raised my hand to the source of the sound, closing my eyes as the vibrations spoke to my palm as if braille to the blind; morse code to the sailor; a language out of reach yet pulling me in closer as if encased behind its veil was my lover.

‘Bia,’ the music spoke to me.

‘Bia,’ I heard it again.

Carefully, I rose, the music swaying through my body ‘til I was jolted by a hand that grasped my shoulder. Turning to my right I saw Daniel with his eyes a fury.

‘We’re going to find Joel,’ he shouted above the soundscape.

My boyfriend, Joel, had gone missing several weeks prior. Assumed dead, the search parties had all been retired, but with no body, there were a few us who stayed hopeful.

‘Well, let’s go,’ I stared back, the music still playing with my consciousness as I ran to catch up with the rest of the intoxicated, irrational search party.

We jostled down the concrete stairway aghast at the seemingly infinite expanse of ferned valley that encased us. It was extremely unlikely that we would find him, or that he would even be anywhere near here. But something about the act of trying gave us a strength we hadn’t had access to for weeks.

Daniel’s optimism was contagious. ‘They say humans can survive three weeks without food, if he’s down there he’s probably starving but very likely still living! Maybe if we share our favourite memories - take the time to really radiate appreciation - the universe will send him back to us, y’know? Basic physics’

I half listened as the boys passed tales of drunken revelry and sporting prowess. The other half I pinned to the forest floor, attempting to re-access sound’s secret code; listening for a whimper, a wail, a promise of my lover’s return.

‘Our bond was spiritual,’ I joined the others. ‘We’d speak about other realms like we were their only inhabitants. We’d deny the accusations of madness thrust on us by our families and society. We gave each other a sort of strange grace. No-one else had to believe in us because we believed in each other.’

Perhaps that wasn’t the kind of answer they were seeking, perhaps it triggered something they themselves were not brave enough to access. Perhaps it raised memories they weren’t fond of. Maybe the reminder of Joel’s accused madness shrivelled the rose they had nurtured - symbolic of their faith in his return. Whatever it was, the mood suddenly shifted, and we decided it was time to return to the party.

I sat by the doorway, awake and fully present. Unable to re-submerge into the wedding, I kept one ear tilted toward the valleys replaying the memories I’d revisited. After some moments I spied a small black notebook that was placed discretely beneath a tall cupboard. Never one to dampen my fervent curiosities, I retrieved it and examined the contents.

It was blank in its entirely, except for one single page. In pencil it was etched with a series of lines and boxes. Beneath, was a signature: J. Like a hook. The only curved line on the page.

I was turning it this way and that, trying to draw sense from its chaos, when a woman approached me from the valleys.

‘It’s a map,’ she took the notebook and raised it towards the stairway. ‘Come, I’ll show you.’

I followed, despite resistance, shedding logic towards the way this night was travelling. Raising one foot and then the other, I undid the clasps on each heel while following, swift in motion, this stranger who was my guide along the stairway. Sure enough, we came upon an opening which matched the first diversion marked in pencil. Then another, and another. We weaved, as though on paper, like the lead which would lead me to my lover.

Finally, we stopped. The pathway fell away. It opened to a valley full of cages. In each cage was an animal - many birds, some were mammals.

I looked down to discover I was naked. I had no recollection of the stripping of my fabrics, yet, here I was now pure and unhidden, looking out upon a mirror of my psyche.

My hands, fast, wrapped around me. Though I realised that was pointless. You can’t conceal a vessel that is everywhere. You must witness it, observe it. I realised I was caged, and indeed, that I also was the framework.

Around a corner, I glimpsed a man. A guru, I sensed. Old and wise.

‘Moksha,’ he spoke, while rising to his feet, before returning, again, to seated posture.

‘I’m following a map,’ I said, almost in question, seeking, digging for an answer.

I turned to the woman, ‘is this the end? The destination?’

I’d expected to find Joel, instead I found an elder and a valley of caged mammals, birds, my demons.

‘He’s here. He must be,’ my eyes darted through the valley, but I dared not bless it with my body.

A cross-legged figure emerged - ghostly, hovering. It rose as the cage doors all swung open.

‘Moksha,’ it smiled. It was Joel - at least, his essence.

‘Is this what you wanted me to see?’ A flash of clarity consumed me.

He smiled wide as he faded into vapour.

* * *

It has been two years since Joel left us. His body has still not been discovered. But, frequently, I return to that night among the valleys. I find no sense or logic in the way it all transpired but it set me on a path that carved my future (now past). It pushed me to sink deeper into presence.

Moksha, I have learned, means freedom. Liberation. It is the releasing of desires, the surrender to the infinite. It un-cages us from the cycle of birth and dying. I’m certain Joel attained it and that’s where his spirit travelled. He was one with the animals, one with the elder, one with the stairways and the valleys. He was in the sound that was pulsing through my body that night. He was the map, that had been occultly planted.

I’ve made peace with his parting, let go the need to find him. Released the urge to cling on to his body. I know that he is spiralling through galaxies – cosmic, infinite. I know that he is the reason I won the lottery.

‘… Oh yeah. So, that happened.’ I casually offered to Daniel, when next I saw him. ‘When you have no desires, things just find you. You realise it’s all there, there’s nothing lacking. Some of it is visible, some of it is hidden. But we live in this realm of pure abundance. It’s energetic. You know… Basic physics.’ I shrugged. ‘It’s moksha.’