LOVE

What is love? This strange term for which people betray their countries, families, and beliefs. What can be described with this term? Reactions, feelings, emotions, and sometimes behaviors, but is that really love?

Recently, I had an experience where simple and sincere appreciation was interpreted as profound love. In some ways, the signs might be similar, but genuine gratitude is just genuine gratitude. It's possible that I don't know much about this whole thing called love, but I disagree with the opinion that a small display of appreciation is already a great feeling and could lead to a relationship. However, I do agree that significant feelings can grow from it. But that requires mutual commitment, and then there is a real chance that significant emotions will follow, possibly leading to a relationship and even a partnership. Otherwise, it's just gratitude and recognition.

Coming back to my own situation, things became increasingly peculiar as time went on. The confusion we experienced is a different story, with a meeting from decades ago that I didn't remember but was wrapped in a rosy haze in my mind. I knew something was different than usual but didn't understand what exactly. Yet these "well-wishers" managed to label it as falling in love in village gossip and connect it to someone who had no part in it. Moreover, we had known each other since childhood, which naturally hindered any possibility of something developing. Perhaps I am sensitive when it comes to feelings. It's easier to live when you don't think or assume someone else's love, as then I tend to expect. And when these "well-wishers" come with gossip, I quietly close the door and move on, even if something could have developed. Everything in its own time. Maybe I'm just not ready yet to accept someone into my life and invest in them. It's a pity, though; before this incident, we had a normal relationship, and now memories and gossip interfere.

I'm rambling again. This topic is clear to me, but at the same time, it's so damn confusing that I can't make sense of it at all. The main source of confusion is perhaps that I've been too involved in relationship counseling and observing people's partnerships. Relationships are built on false foundations. People fail to distinguish between politeness, appreciation, attention, or warm feelings. Often, the beginning of a relationship is just one person's politeness, which leads the other person (often the woman) to start planning a marriage and a family in their mind. And it's not even flirting at that point. Do we really have such a great need that someone else takes care of our needs? Are we really so wretched that we can't value ourselves and need someone else, a third, a fourth, for that?

And then it begins – falling in love with that one moment in time when appreciation or a small flirt happened, and we start assuming that the person is exactly as they were in that moment. Forgetting that moments are fleeting and turn into memories. And concerning the one who once showed attention, a sense of possession arises. Why? Love is not about holding onto someone or changing them to fit our will. Eventually, our eyes open, and we discover that the person we once "fell in love with" has disappeared. But we ourselves have destroyed that person in our urge to nurture and then, it's a big surprise when the relationship breaks.

For me, love is mutual support and investment. Even if it's one-sided, the feeling exists within me. It gives wings, it gives the strength to face the challenges of life every day. It is Creative Energy. It is something that artists call Muse. Therefore, can we keep this feeling alive within ourselves in life? To value oneself and through that, others who are capable of and willing to do the same come into our lives.

When this prerequisite is in place, both parties can value themselves and invest in their partner; then the intimate aspect will also be harmonious. Again, on the principle of mutual commitment. Of course, there are relationships where sex is simply a mutually agreed-upon bonus, as part of friendship, with the satisfaction of physical needs. I repeat, on the principle of mutual commitment. It means there is no relationship as such, no feelings that give wings, no obligations, or assumptions. Only encounters, if those encounters happen.

Everyone has their own understanding of love – I agree with that. But calling a favor love can make later life very complicated. But everyone has their life lessons, and everyone has their skills to cope with them. But please – don't try to live other people's lives. Don't try to label others' feelings that they don't even understand yet. Because if indeed there are deep, warm, and sincere mutual feelings, outside interference can be destructive. Tender feelings are tender for a reason – they are not yet understood, and people fear they will be ridiculed. Let this phase pass. Let those people come to understand it themselves.

Those who are genuinely in love, filled with true feelings, are like wild animals. Curious but extremely wary. Making a big fuss about it, drawing attention to it, will make those wild animals flee in opposite directions. They will disappear or meet again after years. Perhaps.

Elle Vihman

from 23. January. 2017