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Local Idiot Somehow Creates Artificially Intelligent Machine using Deep Learning, Predictive Analytics, and an Artificial Neural Network Accidentally Developed with Synthetic Biology and Nanotechnology

by Everyday Junglist about a year ago in comedy
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The Work Was Somehow Funded in Virtual Reality by Elon Musk using Bitcoin and Blockchain was Also a Thing Used for Something or Other

Timmy Timmerson and his brother Jimmy Timmerson Jr. With apologies to The Onion as per usual. Please do not sue me.

Local idiot Timmy Timmerson somehow created the worlds first artificially intelligent machine today. He is reported to have accidentally used deep learning and predictive analytics techniques with an artificial neural network he somehow built in his garage. Apparently, the work was funded for some unknown reason with bitcoins and blockchain by tech titan Elon Musk, the ex Dr. Who actor who played Captain Jack Harkness on the show. Elon, who sometimes goes by the name of John Barrowman accidentally used virtual reality to transfer the bitcoins into Mr. Timmerson’s super saver checking account at the local fifth third bank where he previously kept his entire life savings of $44.32. As of today, the value of the account stands at roughly six billion dollars. Mr. Musk, who also played mustachioed porn star Elon Musk in the 1970s where his character was said to have a scent no woman could resist, was reportedly excited to have somehow contributed to the ground breaking achievement without his knowledge or consent.

Mr. Timmerson, who still lives at home with his parents at the age of 44, drives his mom’s Honda Fit and lists Arby’s as his favorite restaurant on his Facebook page, also used synthetic biology and nanotechnology in ways still not understood, most especially by Timmy, who is an idiot. The artificially intelligent machine which has an IQ of close to 10,000 and has already read and understood everything ever written or created by man as well as solved every single remaining problem of philosophy and science, is said to be resting. The AI’s creator, which the machine apparently considered a father figure for less than 10^-22 seconds before dismissing him as a useless idiot, is at the local Arby’s where he ordered a beef gyro and small Mountain Dew. He is also currently resting. Neither were available for comment at the time of this writing.

The End.

Author's postscript: Unfortunately, because of Vocal's absurd 600 word count minimum rule I am forced to "expand upon" a perfectly excellent and dare I say hilarious short parody article in homage to The Onion format. Can you imagine if The Onion itself had a 600 word count minimum rule? What would the world be like if one of the most hilarious articles of all time, Kitten Thinks Of Nothing But Murder All Day, had been sent back to the author for him or her to "expand upon their ideas and resubmit?" One thing is for certain I would have about 4 hours less of laughter, giggles, and smiles accrued in my lifetime, including about 5 additional minutes worth just now thinking about it. That "article" existed only as the title with no actual text at all to accompany it. That is sort of the point, and that is why it is so damn good. It totally stood on its own, no support needed. After all how could you get any better than that? Anything that would have been written would only have substracted from the awesomeness that the title itself exudes. Certain stories, like the one written above, are meant to be short. Period. Period. They cannot be expanded upon because to do so is to make the story less good, less interesting, less funny. It is to add words for words sake not for the stories sake. It is a load of crap, and the 600 word count minimum rule on Vocal is the biggest load of crap since the subtitle required rule. Rescind these two ridiculous, counter productive, and asinine rules now Vocal. You are only making yourself look stupid and really, really pissing me off. There you go 619 freakin words. Are you happy? Assholes.


About the author

Everyday Junglist

Practicing mage of the natural sciences (Ph.D. micro/molecular biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday Junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, No tie shoelace user, Humorist, Argan oil aficionado.

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