Inter-net: Match.Kong

A low thick fog drifted in as I approached the facility. In the distance, the mournful groan of a foghorn warned of the imminent danger ahead. I’d visited him many times in my career. But this time was going to be different. He could be difficult. He could be stubborn – making the job at hand no easy task.

“Go right in, Doc,” the night guard informed me, gesturing towards the oversized steel door behind him.

The heavy door creaked as I opened it and then slammed shut behind me. Click…click…click echoed the sound of my heels as I walked down the cold hallow corridor. This is it. Everything depends on this going well.

“Come on, big guy. It’s just one date.” I pleaded through the speaker into his dark motionless hovel.

“Brah. You know what happened last time.”

“Yeah. I’ll admit, that didn’t go so well.”

“Didn’t go so well! I. Lost. My. Home!”

“Look on the bright side. You got a free trip to America.”

“Humph. Some free trip. I was stolen from my homeland, drugged, and strapped down to the hull of a ship with no room to move. I didn’t know where I was, where you were taking me or why you took the last girl away like that.”

“I tried to get you guys back together but then you went all crazy – scaling the outside of that building, grabbing her and carrying her up to the top.”

“Well, you didn’t have to send those planes after us.”

“She wasn’t right for you. This one is more your style.”

“What would you know about my style?”

“I know you like island women, maybe of Asian descent?”

“Yeah. I do like women from the islands. Where did you find this one?”

“On the internet.”

“The internet! No, no way.”

“What’s wrong with the internet?”

“She could be a dude! How do you know she isn’t a catfish?”

“I know she likes fish but she’s definitely NOT a catfish.”

“So, you’ve seen her live on camera and heard her actual voice?”

“Yes. There…there’ve been several sightings.”

The hesitancy in my voice was met with a long silence before the question, “What’s wrong with her? There’s something you’re not telling me.”

“Will you just trust me. You’re going to have a good time. No one is telling you to get married to her. Go have a nice dinner and bring a nice bottle of wine.”

“Wine? What kind of wine? I don’t know anything about wine.”

“It’s easy. Go to https://www.brightcellars.com/ and take their wine quiz. Pick out something you think she’ll like and have a relaxing evening getting to know a new friend.”

“Ok, Doc. I’ll do it. Anything to get far away from this place. Set up the date.”

The secret rendezvous would do just that, take him far away from a place he had never wanted to come to and quickly grew to detest. A place that never welcomed him, never accepted him, used him to do its hardest and most underappreciated labor then threatened to kill him at every turn merely for being who he was born to be.

Clear across the globe to what lies between the Sea of Japan and the South Pacific is where we would set the scene for the date. And there is where we would wait. Wait to see if she would show. Wait to see if the plan would be enough to placate her – enough to do the job.

Calmer laid the sea, motionless, as if it didn’t even want to be detected should she arrive. Shimmering moonlight providing the ambiance. He leaned in, doing his part, with the bottle of wine in his hand as we watched safely from a distance. Slow whispering air. Then no sound. Then suddenly…

“KONG!” I screamed.

A deafening “ROAR” came up from the water as the first strike was thrown knocking Kong off his balance and sending him tumbling backwards into the water. Kong grabbed the dock and pulled himself out of the water.

Descending from her leap out of the water came Godzilla squaring up to him face to face. With great stomps they charged towards each other. Kong struck the next blow punching Godzilla in the face.

“KONG! YOU SHOULDN’T HIT A WOMAN!” I shouted.

“SHE’S NOT A WOMAN! HE’S A QUEEN!” Kong replied. “I TOLD YOU FINDING A DATE ON THE INTERNET CAN BE MISLEADING!”

Godzilla regained her composure and faced off again with Kong.

“WHAT’S HER PROBLEM? DIDN’T SHE AGREE TO COME OUT ON THIS DATE?” demanded Kong.

“SQUAWK!” roared Godzilla.

I translated, “YES! BUT SHE’S UPSET THAT YOU BROUGHT A BOTTLE OF CHARDONNEY INSTEAD OF MERLOT!”

“YOU SAID SHE LIKED FISH! BRIGHT CELLARS TOLD ME WHITE WINE GOES WITH FISH!”

“YES! BUT SHE FELT LIKE YOU WERE TRYING TO EAT HER PEOPLE! I RECEIVED THE TEXT ASKING YOU TO BRING MERLOT BEFORE WE LEFT PORT, BUT WE WERE IN A HURRY! I MEANT TO TELL YOU!”

“OH! WELL! THANKS FOR TELLING ME!”

“YOU’RE WELCOME!”

Kong jumped into the water and began swimming towards us at a swift pace. Godzilla followed him in hot pursuit.

“KONG NO!” I screamed. “YOU’RE LEADING HER RIGHT TO US!”

Panic and fear came over the crew. Seaman and scientist began jumping overboard to save their lives. Reaching the starboard side of the vessel, Kong nearly capsized the destroyer pulling himself up over the rail.

‘KONG! STOP!” I pleaded. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“BRIGHT CELLARS SENT A VARIETY CASE OF WINES! I THINK THERE’S A MERLOT AMONG THE CHOICES!”

He made his way to his holding hull, Godzilla still chasing after him tearing through everything in her path. The lights on the ship flickered out. We ceased rocking from side to side and settled still as the sea became calm again.

As I was getting back up onto my feet, I caught a glimpse of Godzilla slowly swimming by us out of the corner of my eye. She was alone, but she was content. Had we done our job? Had the mission been a success?

I rushed down to the hull to see what had become of Kong. The red warning lights were the only thing lighting my way. Water sloshed beneath my feet as I slowed down to approach his door.

“Kong? Kong?” I called into the speaker system to his room.

“What?” came the reply.

“So, how was your first date?”

If you enjoyed this article, please consider leaving a heart and a tip. I’m fundraising to support my son’s goal of becoming a race car driver, so all tips go to his racing team JBS Sports as well as donations to help fund youth athletics. Thank you for contributing.