Computer Defeats Human in Game of Computing

In a stunning result the artificial intelligence (AI model x101371-c) has defeated a human (Mark Starr) in a rules based game of computing for the first time ever yesterday. The modern computer outcomputed the human in just under 1 nanosecond making it the fastest win ever for a computer in a head to head matchup with its creator, man. Mr. Starr, looking grim but composed, said of the artificial neural network powered machine “It was only a matter of time. We knew one day a computer would become better at the action of mathematical calculation (computation) then us. In retrospect it should have been obvious, that is why we called them computers after all.” The AI, which is incapable of having or expressing emotions, said nothing as it is also incapable of speech, though it did offer to “Perform a Google search” and “Find an Indian restaurant in the area.” Technology analysts believe it is only a matter of time before modern computers become so good at computing that humans will have no need at all for computation and cede control of all calculations to their math superiors. This hypothetical point in time is referred to by some as the mathemological algularity and may signal the end of man’s dominance on the planet. Leader of the transmathematist movement (humans who believe the algularity will initiate a transition to a new golden age in which humans are no longer required to learn or study math at all) said of the AI’s win “This is just another sign that the algularity is at hand. Very soon now we will be freed of the shackles of universal math education. The quantitative sections of both the SAT and ACT will be a thing of the ancient past.” Algularity skeptics pointed out that man will still need to be able to compute simple things such as how to make change for a dollar or how many apples they have left of the four they started with after they eat two of them, and thus some low level computation will still be required. Skeptic John Albon said “All this talk of the algularity and computation free humans is nothing but a distraction from the fact that modern computers are still falling well below expected performance levels in matching us to our perfect dates. Call me when a computer has figured that one out.”

THE END.

At this point you should have clicked away by now and moved on to another less hilarious, less insightful, and less socially biting story by some other chump or chumpess on this website or another. Unfortunately, because of this particular websites outrageously stupid policy of a 600 word count minimum I am yet again forced to append stupid filler material after the end of a perfectly outstanding story. What shall I talk about? Oooh, ooh, I have a good idea how about another story. This one featuring former TV scientist turned nightmare angel of the expressways, Rob Waugh.

Former TV Scientist Proves He is No one Trick Pony- Shows His Mastery of New Media With Scholarly Work on the Website of the Storied Metro.co.uk

Writer and Former TV Scientist turned nightmare angel of the expressways Rob Waugh has done it. Many called him a has been who could never hack in the modern new media landscape. Others said he was a washed up old school nobody and that the days of the superstar TV scientist were over. The odds of a successful transition from television science to the wild west like world of internet science are long indeed. The statistics say that of the roughly 10 television scientists who attempt to make the jump each month at best only one or two find any level of professional success online. The remainder see their publication records in the top technical journals in television science plummet and their reputations tarnished immeasurably. Grant money dries up and some have even been forced to take low levels positions as radio scientists or in the most desperate cases have returned to the practice of actual science. The thought of such a miserable fate has scared away many active and well known television scientists from even attempting a move to the web.

Rob Waugh however appears to have beaten the odds. His latest blockbuster published recently at the famed Metro.co.uk website in the Metro section titled Nasa Fast Tracks Mission to Asteroid Worth 8000 Quadrillion Which Would Crash the World Economy, has taken the entire world of internet science by storm and caused television scientists the world over to sit up and take notice. It is a pulse pounding, factoid filled thrill ride that makes you feel as if you are right there in the middle of action as NASA files the paperwork and completes the budgetary allocations necessary to begin planning for a possible trip, at some unknown point in the future, to an asteroid composed of a lot of boring metals like nickel and cadmium.

What really sets apart the work of Mr. Waugh however is his ability to relate even the most technically demanding of scientific issues to the common man through the use of often colorful and amusing illustrative metaphors. In this case by calculating the amount of money said asteroid would be worth if all of its metals could be mined and sold on earth at current market rates. As with most of Mr. Waugh’s posts the realities of economics and the law of supply and demand are completely ignored as even the most cursory understanding of said law would suggest prices for all of those commodities would plummet wiping out any theoretical gains. As the nightmare angel of the expressways like to say, “fuck it I’m going with it.”

Writer and Former TV Scientist turned nightmare angel of the expressways Rob Waugh has done it again.