Commentaries on the Mating Habits of the Human Being

Commentaries on the

Mating Habits

Of the

Human Being

By Xarxes Sergaloth, HHd,

Office of Xenobiology

Part 1

(TRANSLATED BY NEZIROLOPH TAL OF THE UoPW ANTHROPOLOGICAL SOCIETY)

(Stream begins: Stardate: 0141.7, Transmitted by luminary AI system Zangya, human calendar reads January 13 2155)

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Connection Established.

Secured.

For transmission to assistant AI Dozon

at the Anthropological society office of Xenobiology

Transmitted by Xarxes Sergaloth:

Most species view the mating process as a simple biological imperative for the sake of species propagation, as a Zeran I have mated three times, I have inseminated three women and am father to seventeen offspring of whom I am immensely proud. The Yngolln of Regis Prime mate once, for life and will stay with that partner for the remainder of their days. The Sirans of Verxatilles reproduce asexually, have no use for gender or our concepts of mating or even courting. The native species of Sol three ,and our most recent graduates into our exalted Union of Protected Worlds, however boast perhaps the most confusing and downright terrifying mating practices I have ever examined. As an HHD graduate of Zgoth academy, I have been a xenobiologist for over seventy three years, before that I was an astronomer for thirty seven and a medical practitioner for twelve though that last occupation bored me terribly. Coming to the midpoint of my second century of life I found myself longing for a challenge, the acceptance of humanity into the Union provided just the challenge I’ve been waiting for!

Earth, as the humans call it, is as much a reflection of the species as it is a zoological nightmare. The planet boasts arid deserts, frozen wastelands, dense jungles, rainforests, mountains that pierce the clouds and sodden hills run rampant with flora of every discernible shape, form and function and humans have adapted to live on basically every single biome. It is perhaps the most intimidating aspect of their biology, humans have an almost unlimited capacity to adapt to new surroundings and this is not new. It is not even a triumph of technology, they have been doing this for millennia. Humanity evolved in one of the more hot areas of the planet, a continent they refer to as “Afrika”. There, humanity evolved a skin pigmentation that allowed them to absorb solar radiation without becoming ridden with skin cancers and awful burns. Another rare feature of the human being, they willingly expose themselves to volatile levels of solar radiation!? They become excited on hot days, lathering themselves in some kind of protective gel and laying for hours, soaking up the rays only to come in and marvel at how burned and tanned their skin has become!? I must admit, this practice alone, as the humans say “threw me for a loop”. I came back home to the human domicile I was allowed to inhabit to begin my studies only to witness the young post adolescent human, a mere twenty seven years old gleefully exclaim “TAPS AFF!” I later came to understand this was a declaration of an intent to shed the animal and plant fibers that they cover their bodies with and to exit the house in a mad quest to become as “tanned” as possible. I watched from the window, shielding my own sensitive amphibious skin from the harmful rays. I brought my own personal shield to keep myself as safe as possible from it but to say I was concerned as my new human companion stretched himself out in the sun wearing nothing but a small cloth garment to cover his genitals would be an understatement.

I lead with this as I really need to set the stage for this species, I have never met another like them and the more you learn about them, the more you come to respect and admire them...and fear them.

Humans mate for life, they also mate for fun, they mate to feel good, they mate when they’re angry, they mate to work out differences, they mate for entertainment, they mate for OTHERS’ entertainment. They mate to end relationships and even to begin them and the ways in which they do this are so diverse that the humans wrote a book over two thousand years ago detailing the ways of maximising pleasure and they are still adding to that book, monthly, to this day. They have several thousand positions, games, names, instruments they call “toys” and even deviations of their sexual attraction impulses that they call “fetishes” or “kinks”. To humans, sex is not just a means of propogating their species, to humans sex is an entire social language!

My human companion knew exactly why I was sent to cohabitate with him, I had made my request clear to his superiors and he had willingly volunteered to house me and to introduce me to his practices, it turns out human beings though often fearful of beings they don’t know are actually a very welcoming species, I was welcomed into my companion’s home, introduced to his life partners, companions and even his feral animal companions, one of which a “cat” named ‘Smidgeon’ has begun to express a fondness for me, it rubs its body against my leg and makes a low vibrating sound that I must confess to finding rather relaxing. I can understand why humans keep these animals as companions. Back on track, my human companion is a young adult male named Jonathan, who has explained to me that he is a polyamorous pansexual member of what he calls “his little queer family.” This is where the language comes into play. Humans categorize their sexuality in various forms which I will attempt to dissect now, at least as far as I understand them, polyamarous is a kind of human social bond where multiple humans knowingly and willingly share each other as lovers. Jonathan introduced me to his partners Sarah and Michael.

Which brings me to another strange aspect of human sexuality. Humanity’s view of gender is loose to say the least, indeed it’s even common for some of them to change their gender from what their biology implies to what they feel themselves to present as and though there were many years of human history where this was taboo and even illegitimate, they have evolved to a point of tolerance and acceptance of this practice. Though humans are themselves generally attracted to one gender over another, some like Jonathan have absolutely no regard for gender division whatsoever, this is the definition of ‘pansexuality’ as Jonathan explained to me. Humans who experience attraction in this way do not register the gender of their partner as a relevant factor in their attraction to said partner. In fact, it doesn’t even seem to be limited that much by species as Jonathan invited me to join him in a coital endeavour several times.

I, of course, refused this offer as we do not yet understand the various biological problems that could occur from an inter-species joining and besides I doubt my three mates back home would particularly approve of me mating with a twenty seven year old mammal from the other side of the galactic arm. Though, I must admit a certain temptation, perhaps that was simple scientific curiosity? I observed nonetheless with the consent of all three present parties. Human mating processes are terrifying. It’s not like ours, in my society a mating dance takes five minutes and the incubation seven months. Humans? I observed them going for hours. All three of them, Jonathan even had food and drink prepared so they could stop for “snack breaks”. It’s not that much like a dance either, at one point I thought I was going to have to interfere!

I came into find Michael, forcefully striking Jonathan’s exposed genitals! I trilled in surprise but Jonathan only yelled “CABBAGES!” and Michael stopped, helped him to his feet, embraced him and began to softly soothe and stroke his lover. Noticing my bewilderment, Jonathan explained that he gave Michael consent to hurt him in this way, explaining that it was pleasurable to him.

“But does it not hurt?!” I exclaimed

“Yes, that’s the whole point” He laughed as though I was asking the most preposterous question imaginable.

Human sex acts are like tiny contained battles. They utilise every part of their bodies, which are themselves lined with erogenous zones. Erogenous zones are tightly packed areas of nerves that are thus intensely sensitive. I have observed humans nibbling, irritating, licking, kissing, sucking and even beating these zones for “release.” They seem to worship each other’s bodies as well as abuse them. I have witnessed them stimulating their genitals, their rear exits, even the bottoms of each other’s feet! Blood is a common occurrence, amidst the biting, the beating, the hair pulling and the struggles between domination and and submission. All of this is governed by one single unifying law. Consent.

The most essential thing to the human sexual act is not simply physical safety, which is of course essential none the less but mental safety. Humans of good moral character will refuse to initiate any sexual act with a being who does not/can not consent to the act knowingly and willfully. Sarah explained to me that it is perhaps humanity’s greatest taboo to initiate a sexual encounter with someone who does not consent to it. To do so leaves humans feeling violated, hurt, vulnerable and even severely traumatised. This brings me back to Jonathan’s peculiar declaration when I caught Michael beating his genitalia. “Cabbages!” He had exclaimed, I had heard him say it before and I began to wonder if it was some form of greeting?! No, Jonathan explained to me.

“It’s what’s called a ‘safe word’. It’s so we know that what we’re doing to the other person doesn’t feel good or isn’t right somehow. It means that we stop playing and immediately revert into a caregiver scenario where we see what’s gone wrong and how we can fix it moving forward. When both parties are comfortable and the issue is resolved, play can resume.”

You understand what I mean now by it being itself a form of communication!? Humans have evolved entire social rituals for the most surreal of circumstances. “The safe word is especially important,” Michael explained to me, “because some of the fantasies we have can be dark and even scary in nature so we have to have a word that breaks the immersion of the scenario abruptly so we can take care of our partners and not have the request for a break be drowned out by the tone of the play.”

Human sex acts can be elaborate, not just in positioning and physical stimulation but headspace as well. Humans concoct complicated and elaborate scenarios for each other, each one stranger and more confusingly specific than the last. I am going to list below a number of scenarios I witnessed my three human companions engaging in.

Michael was playing the role of a military commander who had captured Jonathan and Sarah as prisoners of war and wanted them both to pleasure him for their freedom. The safeword in this scenario was Porridge. (Note to self: Remember to ask Jonathan what Porridge is.)

Sarah was a seductress who had enthralled both Michael and Jonathan and desired that they serve her feet or forfeit their souls. This resulted in a long drawn out session of both Michael and Jonathan orally stimulating their female companion’s feet before inverting the scenario and seizing a dominant position, though Jonathan himself remained subservient as is apparently his preference. The safeword in this scenario was Hyrule. (A place of great mythological importance to humans apparently, needs further study.)

Jonathan had lost a bet and now his two friends got to do whatever they wanted to him. I witnessed the young male being bound in tanned hide restraints, put on his knees and they proceeded to flog him, use him as a rest for their feet, bite and nibble on his flesh and pour melting animal fat over his body as he writhed in blissful pain. The safe word for this scenario was Santa! (A mythological figure detailed to children who apparently brings gifts to well behaved minors at the end of the human calendar year)

These are only four of an inexhaustible amount of varying and diverse scenarios I observed them concocting over my three month study. The capacity for creative scenarios to exploit a power struggle is honestly astonishing, the power dynamics seem to be at the forefront of human sexuality and I wonder if it is perhaps an evolutionary by-product of their social biology. Humans value each other to an almost fanatical degree, they are very much a pack hunting species and in their infancy they did define themselves through diverse social hierarchies. It’s entirely possible that perhaps an element of that primal social make-up exists still within their sexual identities.

I have learned so much in so short a time and yet I feel as if I have only scratched the surface of these beings. It is my belief that Humanity will make a fine addition to the Union of Protected Worlds though I definitely recommend some research is undertaken with cooperation from human subjects into the viability of cross-species pairing. I have studied their ‘internet’, (a virtual database and information sharing network) and I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that if we allow Humans to enter the galactic society at large they will most certainly integrate us and other species into their social hierarchies and this will undoubtedly lead to Humans attempting to mate with us and really anything that will let them at least make the consensual attempt.

In my continuing commentaries on human sexuality I plan to investigate identity, role play, sexuality as medicine and human bonding processes.

For now, I must end my update as I am being invited to a social ritual revolving around the consumption of extreme degrees of alcohol centred around the completion of a virtual narrative.

I will update these commentaries again soon.

Transmission Ended

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Stardate: 0141.7