All* Of Your Predictive Analytics Questions Answered

What is predictive analytics?

Learned sources define predictive analytics as the use of data, statistical algorithms and machine learning techniques to identify the likelihood of future outcomes based on historical data. I define it as educated guessing with math and statistics, computer powered tarot, or Elon Musk astrology. Essentially it is the tech hype version of fortune telling or handicapping. Also the learned sources need to get their learning on because statistical algorithms, really? In contrast to what, normal algorithms that don’t use math or statistics? Sloppy, very sloppy.

Wait a second, didn’t you already prove that machine learning is a logical contradiction and therefore does not exist?

Yes, and thanks so much for remembering. I probably should mention it more often. Speaking of not existing, I saw the latest AI was not “born” last week, bringing the grand total up to zero from zero. At this rate there will be more AIs on earth then pink unicorns by next never or maybe even this never.

So how can something that doesn’t exist be part of the definition of something that does (presumably) exist?

Great question, next.

But I don’t want to move on yet

Too bad. I have no answer for you though notice that the definition does not exactly mention machine learning, instead it says machine learning techniques.

Oh I know, that’s a hedge right?

Exactly. Clearly you have been paying attention.

How could I not pay attention when a man of such vast knowledge and raw intelligence chooses to share his wisdom with the world?

Great point, you would be crazy not to. If I were you I would be recording me and/or taking notes.

The tech hype version of fortune telling, really?

That was a bit harsh I will admit and more than a bit disingenuous. Fortune tellers aren’t good at math and generally do not have access to loads and reams of data. They almost never use computers, let alone computers that are programmed to run crap tons of data through statistical algorithms (not my word over and over again in an iterative process until they eventually output a most probable outcome or range of outcomes with probabilities assigned to each for whatever query a user poses of the model (at its most basic level the model can be said to be the overall structure of the individual statistical algorithms and their relationship to each other and the data in question), assuming that query lies within the parameters proscribed by the statistical algorithms used to analyze it. Did I just define a machine learning technique? Gosh I am smart. What were we talking about? I remember something about fortune tellers then everything went dark.

What is predictive analytics good for and why is it so popular?

It is so popular exactly because of what it is supposedly good for.

Which is?

Making money hand over fist by predicting the future.

I see.

Yep, hand over fist. Plus blowjobs by the gross.

But isn’s predicting the future impossible, I mean the future is unknowable right?

Blowjobs from supermodels, as many as you want at the same time or as few, by the gross. What was the question again?

THE END.

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Microbe of the Month is Almost Back!

All,

It has been a difficult past couple of months for the team here at Microbe of the month© headquarters. You may have noticed that following our scheduled winter break, we failed to live up to our own moniker in January. It is not for lack of desire. Unfortunately we have been embroiled in a viscous and totally without merit copyright and trademark infringement case with five other so called Microbe of the month providers. These fakers claim that because they spent several thousands of dollars over many years with teams of high priced attorneys to obtain both trademark and copyright protection for the term microbe of the month we were somehow precluded from using it unless we ponied up the appropriate licensing fees. Needless to say we told them exactly where they could shove that idea. Then their lawyers threatened to put a lien on our HQ building and we decided to pay up. Now that that’s settled we are ready to continue our mission of microbial edutainment. Fasten your seatbelts it’s 2017 and Microbe of the Month is back baby. Stay tuned!

As always our dream fulfillment professionals in the marketing department, the microbaneers are open to suggestions for topics. Rest assured you will be given full credit for any and all ideas. You will not however be given any of the proceeds. The microbaneers are a stingy bunch and BMWs don’t come cheap.

Kind regards,

Microbe of the Month president and founder,

Daniel DeMarco, Ph.D.