A Cryogenic New Year

2021 was a stressful year for myself personally and the world in general. What with Covid-19, Joe Biden, and a whole bunch of other stressful things dominating every news cycle it felt like I was wide awake in fear and/or anger the entire year. These feelings were likely exacerbated by the huge quantities of crystal meth and cocaine I consumed over the course of the year. Taken together, all those stressful happenings plus my meth/coke addiction conspired to make 2021 one of the least restful years of my life. I have vowed that things will be different in 2022. In fact I have decided to make it my New Year's resolution that I have a much more relaxed and rested 2022 than my hectic and overstressed 2021. To that end I have conceived of a brilliant plan. For the entirety of the year 2022 I will be frozen in carbonite in a deep cryogenic slumber from which I shall not be awaked until Jan 1, 2023 is upon us.

This audacious plan has several advantages. In addition to providing me one full year of uninterrupted sleep, it will delay my natural death by the same amount of time I am frozen solid. It will also allow me to easily shed both of my crippling addictions without having to check in to some expensive and intensive treatment program, or having to deal with that whole withdrawal thing which can be a real downer. I will enter 2023 with a clean bill of health from an addiction perspective. Meanwhile the taxpayer, whom would have had to foot the bill for my treatment since I am currently broke and unemployed, will instead incur no cost. That is a nice chunk of change saved for average Joe and Jane on the street, and it is all thanks to my frozen in carbonite for 2022 plan.

Now, I know what you are thinking. Year after year, we make resolutions that so often amount to doing things for others. We vow to start working harder or longer hours, or do things that will impress or prove our worth to our peers, like losing weight, or earning more money. But this year, after nearly two years that have been hard on us all I am finally vowing to do things differently. Welcome to my resolution revolution, in which I am pledging to be kinder to myself by prioritizing rest. In fact, rest will be my highest priority as evidenced by my willingness to spend the entire year of 2022 resting in a peaceful frozen coma like state encased in carbonite and stored at a brisk -80C until Jan 1, 2023 arrives.

Together with my partners at the Krull Institute for Advanced Cryogenics Research in Salt Lake City, Utah I will be doing something different this year. Making a New Year’s resolution that’s gentle on myself. And I am not talking about some lame ass resolution like I will practice better sleep hygiene, or I will meditate more often, or I will ditch the late night for early mornings motto, or make time for journaling. We all know I would be lucky to start any one of those resolutions, let alone follow through on them for an entire year. Instead, I am talking about subjecting myself to the process of carbon freezing using carbonite, a fictitious substance that can instantly change from liquid to solid with rapid freezing. Fortunately I know the process is safe since it has been used previously to condense various goods, such as Tibanna gas, for transport and to place people in hibernation for extended space voyages.

This is one promise I plan on making and keeping! Even with the brutal hibernation sickness that will almost certainly make my first few weeks of 2023 a hellish nightmare this resolution will help both my mind and body to be relaxed and happy. No more pressure to achieve goals that feel so unattainable I drop them halfway through January - instead, I intend to start 2022 relaxed, refreshed and buried within a matrix of frozen carbon from whence I shall not emerge until year's end.