Yes, God, Yes!

I masturbate a lot. According to a survey by autostraddle, queer woman masturbate up to three times more than straight women. This is what I tell my friends when they ask me why I’ve shown up late to coffee, face rosy and in a good mood.

When I was younger and unable to buy sex toys due to 18+ restrictions and religious, cultural, and societal shame, I used my hands. Then I used running water from the bathtub faucet. At some point, I graduated to electric toothbrushes from CVS, whose heads I covered in saran wrap or cloth to avoid pressing the harsh bristles against my clit-- a mistake I made one time and one time too many.

My adolescent exploration did little to prepare me for the divine pleasure of a device designed for my clit, vagina, or both. My first vibrator was a little Durex bullet, bought from a convenience store in Shanghai the night of my nineteenth birthday. It was nothing fancy-- just a rotatable body that continually increased the vibration intensity and maxed out right before things could get good. Still, the silky, body-safe silicone and ergonomic design fundamentally altered the experience of masturbating.

Vibrators comprise 99.99% of my instagram ads. I buy vibrators the way an old, white, man-detective on a TV show buys cigars, enthusiastically, yet selectively. I read blogs, follow instagram influencers and their ilk, and after careful consideration, pick a new toy to try. But when I saw an ad for the Satisfyer Pro 2 this past September, my mouth watered and I found myself clicking the “add to the shopping cart” button before my brain could catch up.

I want to clarify, the Satisfyer Pro 2 is a well-known toy in the community. It’s affordable and powerful -- just read a few Amazon reviews. But its method of delivering pleasure is different from other toys I owned at the time. The Pro 2’s silicon mouth forms a seal around a given area (your clitoral hood, nipples, etc.), and then blasts airwaves at said area. The vacuum seal makes the air waves more intense from the pressure buildup inside the sealed area.

The advertisement is a two second repeating video which shows the Satisfyer Pro 2 pulsing water. The water ripples out in concentric circles, promising something that made me shift in my chair when I first saw it. The Satisfyer’s thick, silicone cap and copper-toned body is covered in droplets. Water has never seemed more erotic to me, not even in gifs of Jeon Jungkook drinking bottles of the stuff during the Osaka leg of BTS’s Japan tour.

When the Pro 2 arrived just three days later, I saw stars. These are some messages I sent my friends upon first use.

In the months since I’ve owned the toy, my love for it has grown steadily. Why? Well, I thought you’d never ask.

First, the Pro 2 is powerful. On days where I’m caffeinated or stressed and my clit is extra sensitive, settings two through six caress me to orgasmic bliss (or some simple, pleasurable me time-- orgasms are not the only goal of masturbation!). When I’m on my period and need an extra kick, setting eleven has my back for orgasms one, two, three, and -- if I really have the time and emotional strength--four.

Second, it has incredible endurance. Yes, well, I -- *ahem* -- use my toys hard and often. Most toys stop working properly after one or two months, even the ones that cost triple the price. But the Pro 2? It works just as well today as it did when I first pressed it to my clit with three drops of water-based lube.

Third, it works in water. As you might have guessed from my early bathtub masturbation days, I like masturbating in water. And the Pro 2? It’s waterproof and when you use it underwater the suction is somehow better. Just writing about this is making me antsy.

Fourth, the single charge battery life lasts forever. There is no feeling worse than a vibrator dying on you mid menage-a-moi, trust me. This never happens to my sweet baby Pro 2. And I can use it multiple days in a row without charging it-- sometimes weeks! A blessing for someone who regularly leaves the house with their phone on 7% (sorry, mom-- for the phone charge thing and for this whole article).

In Conclusion

I love masturbating. Masturbating is not synonymous with vibrator use-- many people prefer using their hands or non-mechanical objects to make themselves feel good, and that is perfectly healthy, normal, and fulfilling.

I imagine human beings as grains of sand that could have been placed at any time, place, or situation. I am deeply grateful that my sand grain and the sand grains that made the Satisfyer Pro 2 rubbed against each other in the vast, chaotic beach of life. My friends think I’m a romantic, but really, I’m just blessed to have met this toy.