What to Do When Your Partner Suddenly Can’t Get It Up

If you’re having regular sex you’ll know only too well that it doesn’t always go to plan. Accidental injuries, furniture malfunctions, broken condoms and unexpected guests…everyone will have a story of sexual mishap. When sex hits a road-block it can break the flow and sometimes it’s difficult to get back on track. When a guy loses his erection it can create an awkward situation where neither partner is quite sure of how to proceed. He may become frustrated or embarrassed, whilst you wonder if this is down to you or if there’s anything you can do to help. There can be many reasons why someone might have difficulty staying hard, ranging from medication side-effects and alcohol use to issues related to performance anxiety and body-image. Regardless of the cause, a one-off difficulty can start to turn into a regular problem. Both partners come to expect that there will be issues with sex, making it hard to relax and go with the moment. Sex therapists suggest that the way a partner responds when this happens can make a huge impact on whether this becomes an on-going problem and the quality of your sex life going forward.

Difficulties with getting or keeping an erection can relate to many factors, and often more than one area is related. Long-term conditions such as diabetes and heart disease are often associated with erectile problems, and many medications including anti-depressants are known to have an effect on sex drive and performance. In at least 20% of cases, anxiety about your sexual ability is thought to be a key factor. Even when anxiety isn’t the original cause, experiencing erectile dysfunction is sometimes that can bring up a lot of anxiety. In the moment the man might have a lot of worries about his partner’s judgement and his ability to please her, maybe even what she might say to others about him. Maintaining a solid erection is something as a society we have (often unhelpfully) associated with masculinity, and which can lead to feelings of being “less of a man” if you can’t hold this standard.

The Vicious Cycle of Sexual Anxiety

A one-off experience can set off a vicious cycle of negative thoughts and feelings. The fear of having another erection problem and the consequences of this plays on the mind. Men can be critical of themselves and their ability to perform. This leads to an increase in anxiety and feeling insecure about sexual performance. When it then comes to sex, it’s hard to be in the moment. Instead you’re expecting a problem to occur, or maybe hoping that it doesn’t and watching your body for signs that things are going downhill. As you can imagine, this isn’t a recipe for great sexual chemistry. Being pre-occupied, anxiety gets in the way of becoming turned on, feeling pleasure and responding to your partner. Whilst the body is in the room, the mind is miles away. Problems with erection, and also premature ejaculation, are then far more likely to occur. This continues the cycle of bad experiences, negative thinking and anxiety.

Bearing in mind that the way you and your partner react to a first experience of erectile difficulties could have a key role in reducing the chance of this becoming a greater problem, here are a few tips for responding:

Don’t take it personally.

This is key! It’s natural when a man has difficulty keeping an erection to wonder if this relates to something you’ve done. You might worry that your partner doesn’t find you attractive. This is actually unlikely to be the case. However, your partner may in turn worry that he is making you feel bad, and this anxiety might actually exacerbate the situation. Remind yourself that your partner has chosen to have sex with you; they just happen to be having some difficulty with their body at this moment.

No Need to Stop

Just because a man doesn’t have an erection, doesn’t mean any kind of sexual activity is now off the table. A lot of porn spreads the myth that penetrative sex (i.e. penis in vagina/anus) has to be the main event and that anything else is less important. This actually puts a lot of pressure on both partners to conform to how sex “should” be. Remind your partner that there are plenty of ways of enjoying yourself together that don’t require an erection, and indeed most women aren’t able to orgasm from penetration alone anyway. Your partner may want to stop and that too is okay; research suggests that men who feel pressured into having sex are also more likely to experience erectile difficulties.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

At a later point it may be worthwhile having a conversation with your partner about what happened. If you’re not used to having frank conversations about sex this might feel a little difficult at first, but it stops erectile difficulties becoming an unspoken issue. Some men can become embarrassed or a little defensive around this topic so you may have to be patient, but there may be some relief that you are bringing it up. You may be able to help your partner work out if a physical issue is likely to be having an impact. If they are still getting erections in the mornings and when masturbating, performance anxiety is likely to be a factor. Luckily, there are a number of psychological techniques they can try to overcome performance anxiety and it often improves. Encourage them to do some of their own research into what might help them best.

Putting the Issue to Bed

When a partner has sexual difficulties, you might end up feeling lost and confused, not knowing what to do. Although it’s rarely talked about openly, this is a common experience and not a sign that there is anything significantly wrong with your relationship or sex life. You might feel empowered to know that there simple things you can do that have been shown to be helpful. A bit of understanding can go a long way and you may find your sexual connection with your partner grows the stronger for it.

About the Author

Dr. Alexandra Richards is clinical psychologist with a specialist interest in sexual health, medically unexplained symptoms, and neuropsychology. She serves as a professional consultant for the Between Us Clinic, which provides sex-therapy online programs for men and couples experiencing premature ejaculation.