What Not to Do at an Orgy

An orgy is not a free for all. Contrary to popular opinion, there is actually a best practice for an orgy. There are dos and don’ts. There is etiquette and there are standards. There is no limit to the amount of people that can participate in an orgy, but there is a point of diminishing return. There are no limits as to the gender, religion, or race of participants. But like the United Colors of Benetton, a good orgy strikes a balance between all identities and sexual preferences. Now, for those of you who have yet to participate in a proper orgy, the dos seem pretty logical and simple: take pleasure and have lots of sex. It is the don’ts, or the things better off not experienced, that make the difference in a successful orgy.

1. Do not wear dirty underwear.

2. Shave close; Chins can scratch up thighs.

3. Wear clothing that buttons and unbuttons easily—and not too much of it.

4. Do not bring children and/or pets. This includes dogs, cats, elephants, and aardvarks.

5. Try not to throw up on the others.

6. Do not drink too much and cry about your misspent adulthood.

7. Do not throw a tantrum.

8. Do not run around the neighborhood naked, and, in particular, do not run back to the wrong house.

9. Do not probe the guests; Don’t ask people's last names, what they do for a living, or what schools they went to—unless they seem not to mind.

10. Don't hog the bathroom.

11. Do not menstruate. Especially if you are a man.

12. Don’t come without a partner.

13. Don't come with a partner who leaves before the screwing starts.

14. Take your watch off. Better still, don’t wear one.

15. Don't be uptight when someone approaches, dominates, or just plain fucks you.

16. If you can't find a partner of your own, do not call up the host and insist he find you a partner.

17. Do not go into a jealous rage if you find your wife screwing someone else. Just remember that she came with you and she will probably go home with you; after all, that's where all her stuff is.

18. Do not pee on anybody who does not want to be peed on. Or in.

19. Do not fall in love.

20. Do not invite someone you just met to come home with you and live with you.

21. Do not ask anyone to get a divorce.

22. Do not suggest that you can't understand how a lovely woman like the one you are screwing can stay with such a dog of a husband.

23. Do not criticize the wine.

24. Do not say, "All the people here are dogs."

25. Do not threaten to burn down the house if your wife doesn't stop doing whatever she's doing.

26. Try not to put your fist through any doors or windows.

27. Do not have a heart attack or any disease necessitating calling the cops or the hospital.

28. If there's a pool, do not jump in at 6 AM, with an ear-shattering war whoop when everyone else is asleep. Do not drown people and then claim you were "just horsing around."

29. If there is someone famous at the party, do not fuck them and then spend the rest of your life telling everybody about it.

30. Do not go a week without showering and then wonder why people avoid you at a swing.

31. Do not suddenly become reclusive the moment you arrive at a party and go into a corner and curl up and rock back and forth like a schizophrenic.

32. Do not become paranoid and think everybody hates you or is laughing about you. Especially if it is true.

33. Don't touch any male's genitals unless you ask permission first, since most men at these things are not bisexual.

34. Don't be afraid to say hello to people you don't know, and don’t be afraid to fuck them.

35. If you drove eight people to a very rural area for a swing, do not get up at 5 AM and take off just like that and leave them all stranded.

36. Don't hog the pot.

37. Don't call your shrink from the party. Wait till you get home.

38. Don't have any screaming fights with anybody unless they really deserve it.

39. Don't bring all your horny fat friends, uninvited.

40. Do not give everybody the clap.

41. Do not charge for your services. For example, if you are a chiropractor and you happen to crack somebody's neck, do not present them with a bill as they are walking out the door.

42. If the party is racially mixed, it is not absolutely necessary to talk about this; Everybody already knows it. If you must express your prejudices, try to do so in a manner that will not cause the member of the race maligned to punch you out or leave the party.

43. Do not hog the New York Times on Sunday.

44. Do not arrive uninvited at a party unless you are sure you’re something pretty special.

45. Do not steal things.

46. Do not pass out. If you insist upon passing out, have the courtesy to remove yourself from the middle of the bed first.

47. Don't spend the dinner hour fucking—but if you do, don't stomp downstairs afterwards demanding to be fed.

48. If it is late, say, 4 AM, at a party, and you cannot find your wife and everyone’s asleep, do not run around screaming her name hysterically; She will probably turn up in the morning.

49. Do not try to steal anybody's wife; If you borrow one, try to return her within a reasonable period of time.

50. Do not get hysterical or have a nervous breakdown until you get home.

51. If you and your wife decide to get a divorce during a swing, do it quietly and in good taste. Ideally, no one at the party should know about the divorce until the whole thing is a fait accompli.

52. Don't say no to unusual things that could be great—like getting fucked by a big toe, for example.

53. Do not screw outdoors in the sun without first putting lots of suntan oil on your back, if you are a man—or on your knees, if you are a woman.

54. Pitch in and pay your share of the hotel room bill, the food bills, liquor, etc.

55. Do not call other continents without charging it to your home phone.

56. Do not assume that, just because a girl tells you to hit her, she wants you to beat her senseless.

57. Do not bring any nutcases, creeps, or weidos with you.

58. Do not have bad breath.

59. Do not let any pieces of toilet paper stick to your private parts.

60. Have a clean asshole.

61. Do not serve or eat cole slaw, cabbage, or beans.

62. Do not serve or eat asparagus. They have a high sulphur content and it makes going down on you taste like striking a match.

63. Bring foam rubber mattresses.

64. Put your underpants and your socks under your pillow or in your shoes.

65. Don't take out your contact lenses.

66. Cut your fingernails.

67. Don't keep cats, if possible. They make some people wheeze, and you're never quite sure what’s licking you, if you're one of those people who cares.

68. Do not take notes during a swing.

69. Do not write magazine articles about orgies.

If You Don't Follow the Rules

So what happens if you choose not to follow our well-founded advice? A Good Old Fashioned Orgy tells the tale of a would-be enjoyable orgy with far too many faux pas.

A thirty-something party animal decides to throws an orgy at his father's Hamptons pad for one last hurrah. Now he just needs to work through some killjoy friends, a potential romance, and try to finish up before the real estate agent sells the house.