What is Intimacy and Sexology?
Why intimacy, sexual intelligence, and emotional literacy is important to healthy relationships and a better quality of life.
Throughout my life I heard the word "intimacy" and I always thought about physical touch or kissing. Maybe it was due to all of the romance movies I watched or the Stevie Wonder songs that talked about love like an all encompassing, touchy-feely, I would move mountains and stars for you, kind of way. Truth be told like most women I've probably seen one too many romantic comedies that feed us all unrealistic fluffy expectations of love. However, sex is no different. The majority (whether wanting to admit it or not) have watched enough porn to know how unrealistic the porn narratives we were first exposed to are. They are far different than the real act of sex in way more ways than one. Most of us aren't knocking boots with a hot plumber coming to unclog your sink with his "big plunger".
Real intimacy is far beyond touching and it is not only exclusive to romantic relationships. We experience and crave intimacy in all of our relationships, truth be told. The word intimate is described as familiarity and closeness. Those are both concepts that we wish for in our family bonds, with friends, household pets, and most often with significant others. Heart to hearts amongst a best friend is an act of intimacy. Hugging your mother or being affectionate with your siblings is a form of intimacy. Someone you love knowing your love language and being intentional about displaying that to express that love for you is intimacy. We can create intimacy with parents, friends, our kids, our lovers, and the list goes on. It's an important piece of our lives that isn't talked about enough. Intimacy isn't a monolithic concept, it is diverse and it ranges in preference.
I see most often in single people, that they mistake the need for intimacy as wanting a relationship. Many of us are so convinced that we are unhappy, lonely, or dissatisfied in our lives and that only the help of a romantic partner can cure that. But it's usually an inadequate intimate life all around that is leaving them feeling empty. Our love languages and needs do not only apply to a lover. Maybe our family relationships or the relationships we have with friends are the bottomless pit we are often trying to feed. It wasn't until recently that I myself knew how to ask for what I needed or how to be more intentional in my relationships. I always prided myself in being a low maintenance individual who didn't need much from my friends and family. In a lot of ways I don't, but the truth is we all need something from our exchanges but many of us (like myself) are too afraid of coming across as needy, to admit what those needs are.
When we can admit to our loved ones what we need from them to feel safe and loved trust and a deeper bond is created. Sex however, is an even tricker and more diverse topic. We have sex for millions of reasons, some of which are healthy and others not so much. Our need for sex comes from places of different appetites that we are all trying to satisfy, there is our natural carnal appetite, our ego, and the emotional appetite. Having the intelligence to know if we are expressing ourselves with our bodies in a healthy way or in a destructive way is important. Knowing how to please ourselves as well as communicate and instruct a lover on how to please us is even more important. But as important as that is, it is a tough conversation to have that is usually rooted in shame. For men it is the shame of the woman (or man) they love feeling objectified or used at their expense (when really sex for men is one of the ways the communicate love in relationship).
For women, the shame is rooted in centuries of side eyes toward the female sexuality and fear of being judged or how they will be viewed based on their turn ons, kinks, and desires. Although it is 2021 and we are much more liberal in the area of sex than ever before I find that the women I know are most scared of communicating their unmet needs within relationship. I find that the modern woman is unbothered by the idea of a man they are just sleeping with judging their sexual appetite, preferences, or getting their feelings hurt once they find out that they are terrible in bed or that they don't have the magical tongue that they think they do. But when it comes to the man they love they find themselves sitting at brunch with the girls discussing how in love they are, yet how terrible their boyfriend is in a particular area of sex.
That is where sexology comes in. Sexology covers the act of sex, the reproductive system, our psychological hang up's on sex, and all things of that nature. It covers the trauma we've acquired through sexual experiences, it's the understanding and education of consent, rape, assault, and advocating for yourself and you body. We all need sexual literacy in one way or another. We need it for ourselves, for our partners, in order to be healthy, and to be good consent respecting citizens of the world. You can't walk around believing you're some kind of sex god or goddess when you don't even understand the psychology of sex and sexuality. Not to mention the mind body connection is a powerful thing worth studying.
So now I want you to close your eyes and envision a place where you learn how to have these difficult conversations about intimacy and sex. Imagine a place where you can learn what kind of intimacy and relationships you require to be happy. Imagine a place where you can learn about your wants, needs, and flaws without shame. Now what if I told you this blog is your safe haven from shame and having to figure everything out by yourself or through unnecessary hard lessons? Well, that's exactly what I'm telling you. This is for you, for men, for women, for anyone afraid to advocate for themselves and ask the seemingly crazy questions that cross their mind. I hope you love it here.