Ways to Woo Your Woman

A wise person once said that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. This is false and the person who said that was clearly just hungry. The way to a man’s heart is through his penis. This holds true no matter what the instance. If a man knows the secret ingredient to successfully getting laid, he will do it. In fact, he will probably do almost anything if the end result is an orgasm, and preferably one that is not self-induced. Men are very goal oriented, but they only like it when, to achieve that goal, they can get there via a straight line. When the instructions get too complicated, they lose focus and get frustrated. This becomes a problem when dealing with the opposite sex. To get a man going, all you have to do is show him a naked woman or to insinuate the possibility of having sex. Women do not work this way. At all.

Women are the more mysterious of the species. Sometimes they are in the mood, sometimes they aren’t in the mood and you never really know when that is. But, if you are smart, you learn the cues. You learn when green means go and red means stop. Unless you are really clueless and, chances are, if you are a man, your tendencies lean towards the clueless. No offense. Guys, you want to know our secrets? Do you really want to learn the sure-fire ways to get your woman in the mood? We have the answers for you. Here are some helpful ways to woo your woman. Follow them and get ready to be wooed right back, in the biblical sense.

Poetry and the Written Word 

If you are thinking, "WTF," you are not getting laid tonight. Poetry does not mean a Shakespearean sonnet. Don't get scared. Poetry can mean almost anything written, but must be written with thought. Men, innuendo is the key here. We don't want a raunchy limerick. We want love and beauty. We want sensitivity and compassion. Remember when you wrote your grade school crush a love letter? Think along those lines. Something sweet and simple. Sometimes a simple "thinking of you" is enough to get the juices flowing. Build up is always the key. Texts during the day are a total turn on if worded correctly. Stick a note into our purse when we aren't looking and you might be sticking something into us later on in the day. Again, practice makes perfect. Our replies are barometers of how well or poorly you are doing. If you are annoying the crap out of us, you will not be allowed to pass go and collect $200, or anything else for that matter.

Be Chivalrous

Let us begin with the dictionary definition of the word chivalry. "The combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak." Now, gentleman, let us delve a little deeper. First of all, you are the "knight" in this scenario. The brave hero, dressed in your metal garb, ready to defend the honor of your woman. For purposes of this exercise, and this exercise only, we will play the role of the "weak," but we are not weak and don't you ever forget it. Back to the fantasy. You ride upon your trusted steed, race to the top of the burning tower, and save your damsel in distress. Or you slay the dragon to save your heroine. Or you fight the warlords and rescue your fair maiden. Let's be honest, we just want you to open the fucking door for us. Why don't we begin there. The modern day definition of chivalry is being a gentleman. We want you to treat us like the princesses that we think we are. Open car doors, help us up over the curb, tell us how beautiful we are even if we look like we just crawled out from under a rock. Offer us the coat off your back if we seem even the slightest bit chilly. This is the art of wooing.

Remember life before texts? Go back to that moment in time. Pick up the phone and call us. Say how happy you are to hear our melodic voice. Ask us out on a proper date. Build up some sexual tension. Make us feel that you want to spend quality time getting to know us. It doesn't matter if you have been married 30 years or you have been dating for a week. Back to basics my friend, back to basics. Being chivalrous means making us feel like we are not being taken for granted. Don't ask what is for dinner, ask us how our day was, even if you are thinking, "what's for dinner?" Make it about us, not about YOU or you will be taking a cold shower or jerking off to an episode of Girls or both. Revive chivalry and be prepared for some magic.

Women are Always Right

When we are lying on the couch, bitching about our friends, no matter how wrong you think we are, just say we are right. If we are complaining about your friends or your family, again, no matter how wrong you thing we are, just say we are right. This is an aphrodisiac of the greatest potency. Wooing is about making us feel special and if you think we are right, we think we are special. Now this may backfire at some point when you have finally had enough and come clean about how wrong we actually are, but, if it got you a night of doggy-style delight, you will just have to live with those memories for a while.

The Art of Gift Giving

Just like a child needs to be bribed to behave, sometimes women need a little bribing to get in the mood. This is not to be confused with prostitution; We are not have sexing with you in exchange for goods and services. We are having sex with you because we opened the door to a fragrant home filled with our favorite flowers. You are getting lucky because the earrings that we have been coveting are now are on earlobes. We are in the mood because you put your thriftiness aside, and decided that our happiness is more important than whatever stupidity you might have been saving your money for. And you are really horny and would do anything at this point. And that is okay. But let's be honest, it truly is the thought that counts. A single rose can get us just as excited as a dozen... We just want you to show us that you care. Women think with their hearts, not with their vaginas. Win our hearts and the rest of us is yours...

Cooking for Us

Do you know why women think male chefs are sexy? Because they can cook. Some women actually do like to cook, but even if we do, sometimes, we would like a break. We would like to come home after a long day at work, or after an even longer day of taking care of the kids, and smell something really good coming from the kitchen. The table is set, the wine is chilling, the crystal is sparkling (hell, if you can manage to find the crystal and make it sparkle that is enough to get us going. Screw dinner, here's a blow job for cleaning the dining room.) Dinner does not have to be Rocco Dispirito worthy. You can make some pasta and open a jar of sauce; If we don't have to do it, the horniness is almost guaranteed to set in. And if you have cleaned the pots and other utensils involved, holy shit let's get it on, baby. This is wooing at its very core.

Though you must still remember that we are women and if we eat too much we get cranky and bloated, so there is a fine line you must walk if you want to get into our too tight pants. No one said that wooing is easy. There might be some experimenting involved in the sexy chef scenario. Practice makes perfect and if you have to try cooking for us a few times a month until you learn the exact recipe for success, go to it.