A Diary of My Attempts in Sexual Relationships
Now, I want to start this by saying: there is absolutely 0 things wrong with being inexperienced sexually, not being sexually active, or being a virgin. You are no better or worse of a person if you have or have not had sex. Virginity is a construct that was created to repress peoples basic desires, first out of a religious hatred of hedonistic freedom, and later as a pseudoscientific, sexist, "moral" one.
We all know this (whether we believe it or not) to be true. That being said, for lack of a better word, I am a virgin—one who has had no sexual contact of any kind with another person.
Again this is no shameful thing, nor is it one to be proud of, it is just a fact of my life so far. I am a (recently) 20-year-old dude, a student, and a virgin. I've kissed many people, passionately and emptily, I've been in several serious and non-serious relationships, but hanky panky, well that's a no from me.
I think I'll first start with why. If I want to have sex with people then just, flirt, go out, meet people, be myself—it's bound to happen, why haven't I just done it yet. Well it's not a confidence thing—I'm extremely extraverted and confident. And I definitely go out enough (my record is 14 nights out in a row #humblebrag.) It's actually a lot more complicated than that (Or maybe it isn't and I've overcomplicated it in my head who's to know for sure.)
So why? So, I was raised as a strict devout Catholic, for one. The first bit of sex ed I received from my Catholic school was: "Condoms are the devils way out!" And the second was: "Condoms are only 70% effective, as HIV and sperm cells sometimes slip through the gaps in their fibres." I know, utter horse shit. An all boys school and the first we heard about homosexuality was when it was being compared to bestiality, and the first we heard of "consent" was when we were 18 after a student was bullied for not having sex with an unconscious girl and 5 years after a boy raped another boy on school grounds. So yeah, it got a bit repressed.
Secondly, I developed MDD at the age of about 14/15, this is a very critical time in ones sexual development and this really fucked up my drives. As some of you may know a symptom of depression is significantly reduced libido, but as a kid who hadn't developed libido, I just never developed it. My last serious relationship was when I was 16, and so we never did the horizontal mosh pit. So, as that seemed to be one of the only times I should have felt sexual desire, I was at a loss. I identified as asexual for a long time (starting around 17 when I noticed I was different.) But now, I'm not so sure.
Finally, I was sexually assaulted at a party. Paralytic but conscious me was forced to touch a girl's, a stranger's, vagina without my consent. So my only semi-sexual contact has been... not good.
What changed? Well, for a few months now I've rejected sexuality (and gender) entirely, I think fuck who you want to fuck, and behave and present how you wish—it isn't anyone else's concern so long as you aren't harming others. So I rid myself of labels and became more interested in experience. I also, through studying psychology, became increasingly interested in sexology and so educated myself, and so, became more curious. And finally, I recently have been put on antidepressants for the first time, and I have felt a shift—a sexual awakening, perhaps. Or maybe gas. Cool, so what's the problem? Well, as I have spent this long not attempting to flirt, or initiate relationships of any kind (they always tended to be initiated by the other), or moved to someone in search of sexual intimacy—I'm the age and demographic of a promiscuous person, but I'm clueless. How do I flirt? What do I like? How do I "pick people up"? How do I initiate a relationship?
First I asked my friends for advice and wingman/womanship but realised they are all shit (or maybe I'm shit or a combination of the two but anyway). SO, I have decided to do my research, and dive in headfirst, maybe literally. I'm gonna fuck it up, get rejected and make mistakes. I know and am okay with this, but I thought what better thing to do, than to share this ~adventure~ with the internet.
So, I'm gonna give this a go. I'm going to try everything—and hopefully it's not too messy, but hopefully it's messy.
I am a musician, writer, artist and a cripplingly self aware psychology student. I'm interested in everything, from sexology to folk punk from rock climbing to aesthetics. You could say, I'm a prick, but that wouldn't be very original. WSM