Threesome Tips

The perfect threesome is much like the white tiger. Rare. Think back upon all of your sexual conquests, how many of them were successful, enjoyable… perfect? Now imagine trying to recreate that chemistry but with a third person involved. Believe me when I tell you, orchestrating a threesome isn’t always fun.

I lost my virginity in a threesome, so my qualification came in early. It was an accidental threesome and since I had no idea what I was doing, looking back it was probably awful, but let's pretend for now it was all fireworks. Myself and a friend lost it to a guy we both liked, we had no idea what was happening but he sure did, turning off the lights and barricading the door with a chair before offering us chocolate (I swear it wasn’t as creepy as it sounds). We had sex on a sofa, listening to Iron Maiden while her dad waited in the car outside to pick us up. I remember that before we went out that night, I had said to her "imagine if we lost our virginity tonight." I didn’t actually expect it to happen. Needless to say, in true teenage girl fashion, what followed was drama, arguments, a falling out, hacking each other's email addresses, and meeting up with him behind each others' backs. Take note here: This was not the perfect threesome. This is a bad example of a threesome. Do not copy this example.

It’s most mens dream to have two girls at once, but nine times out of 10, this dream doesn’t become a reality, so it remains this perfect picture portrayed in porn. If by some miracle you become one of the lucky men that does get to have a threesome, you will probably be stung by the enormous realization that it is a lot harder than you thought.

Making the Dream a Reality

Let me start gently. A threesome has to be three equal parts. You can’t have one girl that wants to cock hog, believe me, I’ve been in that situation and it is both dire and depressing. A threesome can only work if everyone wants to fuck everyone else there. I’ve been in enough threesomes with girls that are just there for the D and don’t have any intention of touching or even looking at me. Yes, even in porn. Doing a B/G/G scene in porn can be similar to a threesome in real life. If I work with a girl that doesn’t like girls, I basically spend the entire time sitting about a foot away from the action rubbing my pussy pretending I’m having a great time.

Let me give you an example. If you are a pet owner this will make sense, if not, I apologize. I have a cat and a dog. The dog is slightly older than my cat and a real mama's boy. He cannot stand it if anyone or anything else has my attention. He cries, barks, sulks, or sits with his back to me. My cat is an attention seeker, she can also jump up on to the bed and sofa, but my dog can’t because he is too small and fat. At any one time I have to make sure they are both getting adequate attention. If I am giving one too much attention I need to make sure it doesn’t upset the other. Guys, that is you in the threesome. Sound exhausting? It is.

There are a few ways a threesome can work out. Here are my rules for threesome etiquette.

You, Your Partner, and a Third Person

Can be amazing. Can be a fucking disaster. From my experience, having a threesome with your partner only works when the third person isn’t your friend or someone you know. Here’s why: Girls can be shady. I have spent entire threesomes thinking "I know this bitch is going to try and steal my man," and I have actually been right before! That sickening feeling when her name shows up on his phone a few days after and he doesn’t say anything. To be fair, if you are the dude in this situation, you suck just as much as she does.

But let’s say, even if you would never do this to your girl, even if you know you can trust your man, and even if you both trust the third person, for argument's sake and to save any paranoia during the act and potential awkwardness after the act, it should probably be someone you don’t know that well.

I generally think an escort is a good way to go, especially for your first threesome. They are professional and impartial, and can actually be a lot of fun. I have had the best threesome of my life with a call girl and my partner. To be fair, we did then try and persuade her to come back to our hotel off the clock for free… Please remember that safe sex is good sex, at the risk of sounding like your SexEd teacher, STDs and surprise pregnancies are probably not on your wish list, so if you’re hooking up with a stranger, play safe.

You Are the Third Person

If you are the extra girl in a threesome with a couple, here’s what you need to know. It is ALL ABOUT HER. Not you. This is her man you are riding so have a little respect, kiss her, touch her, share with her, but never overstep any boundaries. I generally wouldn’t kiss the dude in this situation, but that is just me. Even if you end up just kissing her or going down on her and you don’t do anything to the guy, I guarantee he is having a good time watching his girlfriend get with another lady.

If you are the extra guy in a threeway with a couple, have some respect for HIM. I have never had this experience off camera, so I don’t know first hand, but I can imagine it must be hard for a dude to watch another guy with his girl, even if he’s voyeuristic. Just try to consider that you are banging this dude's girlfriend in front of him, and don’t steal the spotlight. This is obviously different in a cuckold situation, but I don’t consider that a threesome. (Cuckold: when a man gets another man to have sex with his wife.)

You Are All Friends/Acquaintances (and Probably Drunk)

This one is pretty awesome, unless someone in the group is secretly in love with someone else in the group, then it’s a bit weird and awkward. This is just good old fashioned fun. Three people, all horny, all mutually into it, but with absolutely no strings attached. You laugh about it after, there is no weirdness, awkwardness, or tension. You have no feelings other than friendship and you don’t care who texts who the next day because there was never going to be a second time or a secret love affair.

Disclaimer: This is kind of a unicorn situation, because sometimes feelings and weird shit start to happen and things get awkward. However, it does exist and it is a lot of fun, and if you manage to obtain the unicorn, I salute you, my friend.

Threesome on a Porn Set

Now I am aware this doesn’t apply to everyone reading this, but just in case you are reading this, and you do porn. Listen up: If you are a girl, don’t be dick drunk, and share it around, no one wants to watch a scene where the third girl is awkwardly on the sideline looking bored, touching her pussy. If you ARE the girl on the sideline touching her pussy, try to get involved. Maybe you need to be a little more aggressive, this shit needs to look good on camera, remember?? Or no AVN nominations for you! If you are the dude in this situation, I hate to say it, but it’s actually your job to make sure both girls get an equal share. There’s a lot you can do with three bodies, there are mouths and holes and hands everywhere, it shouldn’t be too hard to choreograph.

If you are a dude in a Boy/Boy/Girl, I cannot stress this enough, if you KNOW you are distracted by another guy in the scene and can’t keep wood, just don’t take the booking. There is nothing more off putting in porn then a limp dick flopping around. No one wants to see that, and it takes away from the energy when the girl is desperately sucking on a marshmallow trying to get it hard while the dude at the back is pounding away. I get it’s hard (or sometimes not, see what I did there?) but if you struggle to keep wood when there’s another penis around, save us all the hassle and don’t do the scene.

I hope that you will all take my advice and go out in search of your perfect threesome, your unicorn if you will. Do me proud.