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The Signs As Sex Positions

by aman 9 months ago in satire

I took an Astronomy class thinking it was Astrology so I guess you could say I’m an expert on these matters.

The Signs As Sex Positions
Photo by Farzad Mohsenvand on Unsplash

ARIES (MARCH 21ST - APRIL 19TH)

Aries reminds me of air. Which reminds me of queefing. Which reminds me of the doggy style position. And there we have it folks, you lot get the doggy style position. This is also because I have looked at the way your stars are aligned and little dipper was getting dicked down doggy style by big dipper. Face down, ass up and well done. That’s how you like your meat. Also don’t forget to use a condom, Aries has a high rate of STI’s. I can’t release where I got this information from but it’s true.

TAURUS (APRIL 20TH - MAY 20TH)

Smart, ambitious, and trustworthy. That’s what google said about you. I don’t know about all that I’m just a sex guru. You sure are a plain bunch so Missionary it is for you. Watch some porn or something, shit. Deadass this sign only knows one position. I suggest listening to some sensual music, such as Amrit Bains, it really does spice things up. Maybe you’ll finally explore and realize there’s more to life than just missionary. I wouldn’t know what that’s like, because I’m a God fearing virgin but I’m assuming it’ll be good. I learned this at the Prem Jyotish Horoscope Academy, not google.

GEMINI (MAY 21ST - JUNE 20TH)

Y’all are an energetic bunch. Like you just discovered cocaine and can’t get enough of it. This is also one of the biggest hoe signs. It was hard to boil it down to just one position. This sign is complicated because you’ll never catch a Gemini with just one man or woman. The Train is what you all deserve, human centipede type of shit. I’ve never slept with a Gemini and you shouldn’t either. God knows what type of diseases they're hoarding in their body. They’re hot af though trust they’ll trap you with their good looks and nice bodies. Assholes, all of them.

CANCER (JUNE 21ST - JULY 22ND)

Cancer, your actual horoscope says you enjoy group activities. I don’t know what that means, but here it means swinging and orgies. You’re not necessarily hoes but just freaks that like to have sex in large numbers. Have you ever seen those porno’s where there’s just a giant room full of men or women and you pay to be there to have sex with them? I don’t know I just made that up, the last site I was on was Barbie.com. But yeah, you’re the kind that would pay.

LEO (JULY 23RD - AUGUST 22ND)

Listening to your parents have sex as a child scarred you and now you can’t bring yourself to have sex. No matter how loud you blast your music it’ll always be featuring your parents having sex. Candy Shop - 50 Cent ft. Mom moaning. Jatt Da Muqabala - Sidhu Moosewala ft. Your dad spanking your moms ass with a velna. You shouldn’t even be reading this anyways because you’re a virgin. The only position you should be worried about is the position you’ll be in on your wedding night cause that’s when you’ll lose your virginity. Scatter you little rat.

VIRGO (AUGUST 23RD - SEPTEMBER 22ND)

Funny that this sign enjoys shower sex up against the wall when they’re the clumsiest. I don’t even know what that position is called, I’m not gonna lie. This is the sign that’s most likely to break their neck during sex by accident. It doesn’t matter if there’s an empty room and no objects. These mf’s will find a way to DIE. I’d be careful sleeping with this sign because you might catch yourself behind bars or something. You hear that? That’s the sound of cop cars rolling up to the cheap motel you rented because your partner somehow died falling off the bed.

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23RD - OCTOBER 22ND)

Ah yes, the superior sign. This sign can excel at any sex position. They can make sex positions up as well because their brains are superior too. They are also the biggest hoes you will ever meet. If you ever need sex tips hit up a Libra because they know everything. I am not just saying this because I am a Libra. The planetary alignment shows Libra’s as superior. This is big facts trust me I’m a certified professional.

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23RD - NOVEMBER 21ST)

A Scorpio pissed me off and now I have it out for all of you. Like I don’t even want to write this because it’s like you don’t deserve one. Anyways yeah I’m not a total asshole so your sex position is crying yourself to sleep. You could probably make that pillow wet more than you can a pussy. Congratulations you accomplished something in your life. As for my ladies you’re not as trash as the Scorpio men so your position is cowgirl because you love being in control. You’re all creative and if it came down to it you could use the nala in your salwar to tie your lovers up. And leave them there. To die.

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22ND - DECEMBER 21ST)

The year is 2035. You’re in your room watching Fast & Furious 29. You hear a knock on the door and it’s the pizza delivery man. Your mom is yelling at you saying there’s roti at home and that you’re useless. You’re getting flashbacks to the good old days when you had a sex life. Holding back the tears you run to your room and put on some porn and masturbate the pain and loneliness away. Don’t worry, you’ll find someone to have sex with eventually.

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22ND - JANUARY 19TH)

You see, the way the planets are aligned show me that you enjoy being in control. You have a lot of pent up anger and you use sex as an outlet. This means 50 Shades of Going To Jail comes out in bed. Capricorn’s have created a new type of rough sex that goes beyond BDSM. They’re breaking your whole ass body and cutting you up Dexter style. Catch yourself in a dumpster behind a fast food restaurant after hooking up with one of these crazy mf’s.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20TH - FEBRUARY 18TH)

This sign is the most dangerous. I mean Capricorn will murder you, but this sign’s sole purpose in life is to make you feel good and they don’t care much about getting anything in return. And to me that’s more dangerous than getting murdered. They get pleasure out of making you feel good because they enjoy the feeling of power and knowing they made you feel that way. Stay away from this sign it’s a trap.

PISCES (FEBRUARY 19TH - MARCH 20TH)

You know when you visit a porn site and you see those weird ads of like animals having sex or animated shit? Pisces are the people behind that. Porn sites only hire Pisces to make weird shit like that. Trust me, I know. These mf’s will literally be on the dark web looking for some nasty stuff cause they have illegal fetishes. But also if you’re trying to make a quick buck just send them some feet pics, they’re probably into it. They don’t have a position, they just enjoy watching you. So don’t forget to wear your animal costume so you can give them a sexy lap dance.

satire

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