The Provencal Haranguers

Under the reign of Louis the Fifteenth, there was a Persian ambassador who traveled quite extensively in France. As was well known, Louis loved to attract the most brilliant men from all corners ofthe world, to come and admire the greatness with which he shined across the globe, from one end of it to the other. Thus the king felt the ambassador could bring back, some of the "sparks of glory" of Louis, to his own country, ere he returned.

The ambassador was received warmly in Marseilles; really, with a magnificent reception. The Parliament of Aix, jealously, perhaps, guiding them, wished not to be outdone by their competitior, a city they often placed above their own, for very little reason. Their chief business then was what sort of harangue or speech to make, to so honor the august personage of the wandering Persian. Of course, to do so in Provencal would have been pointless; he could understand, they understood, very little of it.

So they deliberated. These magistrates, though, had very little to deliberate at any time, so were out of practice. Usually, their only deliberations were imprisoning the peasants, preparing comedies and entertainments, and worrying over the dispostion of unhappy whores. Of course, rebellion as occured could always be stamped out as in the days of old, the days of Francois Ler; it was only to use "the iron and the flame in the province," and to "sprinkle it with waves of the blood of the so-unhappy peoples who live there."

But, how to get the damn thing, the htangue, roperly translated? Now, there was a problem for deliberation! Of course, the tuna fishermen and sailors, all adorned in their black jackets, and all of whom spoke multiple languages, were the FIRST men the magistrates turned to for possible aid. Ah ha! They hit upon a man that had spent some time in Persia, and, thus, was said to be fluent in the language.

Educated, for a sailor, he spoke Persian just as well as his own patois. He very quickly memorized the harangue, the welcoming speech, and, being given the grandest wig they could find, was sent out with a retinue following at his heels; all of them were instructed, as it were, to "do everything I do."

It was generally thought, for some strange reason, that this was a grand idea.

The sailor went out to meet the ambassador. He bent low, and was amazed to find that his grand macaroni fell from his head to the floor. Behind him, the idiot wretches, so eager to take every idle gesture seriously without giving it any thought, instantly threw down their own wigs. All in all, the ambassador must have been peculiarly confused by this.

The magistrates continued to expose their peeled and mangy scalps to the ambassador. Noting this, the sailor quickly doffed his wig again, and then began on the complimentary harangue.

When the ambassador heard the speech, though, in his own tongue, he cried, " Unhappy man!”, and, putting his hand on his saber, exclaimed “you wouldn't speak my language like this if you were not a renegade of Mahomet; I must punish you for your fault; you must immediately pay for it with your head!"

The sailor, suddenly in terror, began to babble and gesticulate for help; his actions were instantly repeated by the magistrates standing in his wake. No one was listening to him! Thus, he did the only thing he could do, under the circumstances: he dropped his trousers; this was to prove to the enraged ambassador that HE HAD NEVER BEEN CIRCUMCISED.

He was, after all, as Christian as St. Christopher. As were the forty or forty-five magistrates imitating him like half-witted ourangutangs.

And they all proved it; for, as soon as he let out his cock to the wind, to prove himself a Christian, the crowd behind him, eager, as instructed, to imitate his every move, LIKEWISE dropped their drawers, cocks blowing in the gentle breeze, cupping their balls and pulling back the foreskin to prove they had never been "cut."

The ambassador was now quite confused; but not, specifically, insulted. Putting away his sword, he thought to himself, My, it's no wonder they always have a scaffold erected around here. The great exertion that accompanies ineptitude, because to do a thing twenty times until correct, must be necessary for these poor dumb brutes, is obviously their common lot.

How the ladies must have laughed at such an unseemly display, while staring from their windows.

***

Later, an artist was employed to capture the momentous day; he drew a nice spectacle from life, but his image was ultimately discarded. It was put to the flame, and he was dismissed. It never occurred to the magistrates that they were burning an image of themselves, as they were a part of the picture.

"We look like we want to be imbeciles to outsiders. Is this what we want? Even if it isn't, we have seeemingly proven it to all of France, for all time to come. But we don't want a portrait to preserve it for posterity. No one will remember our good intentions. Instead, they will, we hope, remember only Mérindol and Cabrières. For, is it not more honorable to be regarded as cuthroats than as jackasses?"

Adelaide of Brunswick by the Marquis de Sade (link below)