The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

"All men want is sex," we've all heard it before. I was certain that was real when I was 16 years old. I suspected that wasn't real when I was 39 years old. And now that I'm 70, I know that's not the case. Don't get me wrong: sex can be wonderful at any age, but there's something more important than sex, and it's something that men struggle to admit and women struggle to give.

This insight came to me gradually, and it was most noticeable in my men's party. For the past 38 years, I've been meeting with six other guys on a regular basis, and sex has always been a subject of conversation. We're competitive, like all guys, and we all want to be seen as good, but we've also learned to be honest with each other. We discuss not only our sexual triumphs, but also our shortcomings, doubts, and ambiguities.

Since I was a kid, I've been taught that wanting sex equals being a male. I recall overhearing a girl I liked in high school talking about a guy we both met. She wasn't complaining about his sexiness, but rather that he "didn't come on to me like other guys do." “He's not being very manly,” she continued to tell her girlfriend. The message was clear: "true men" want sex, and if you don't "come on" to a female, you're not one.

This early lesson has been confirmed over time: for many men, always having sex is the test of manliness. It's preferable to be constantly turned down and be viewed as a jerk obsessed with sex than to want anything other than sex and be perceived as "less than a man."

So, apart from sex, what do men desire? We've all learned that women must feel loved in order to have sex, and men must have sex in order to feel loved. Let's take a closer look at what men get when they engage in sexual activity. Yes, there's the physical gratification, but there's also a deeper need being met. It's what I refer to as the need for a safe haven.

The world of men is a competitive one. Males compete with other males for access to the most attractive females on the most basic level. Males initiate touch, and females choose which males to embrace. Sure, these roles are less rigid in modern times than they once were, but whether we're peacocks or people, we always strut our stuff in the hopes of being selected by the woman we're after.

Getting into her body gives us a feeling of peace and belonging that extends far beyond sexual gratification. Of course, I'm referring to heterosexual males. In the gay culture, there is a similar dynamic, but I'll concentrate on men and women here.

All of us have fond memories of our early school dances. You had to make the long walk across the room with everyone watching and ask the girl to dance if you wanted to hold her in your arms. You'd be in heaven if she decided. You'd be in hell if she declined. To keep and be held by a female, you must first make yourself open to rejection.

We've already been battered and wounded by the world of rivalry and rejection by the time we reach adulthood. We yearn for the safe haven where we don't have to pretend to be someone we're not to be chosen. We yearn for someone who accepts us for who we are and loves us regardless, someone who can hug us and touch our hearts and souls as well as our bodies.

The male persona we wear to prove we're manly includes "still wanting sex." What we really want is a safe haven where we can hide, rest, and be taken care of. To put it another way, we want the nurturing feeling that most of us didn't get enough of as children. However, remembering these needs makes us feel like little boys rather than strong men. It's easier to be manly about our sexual appetite and then relax, be ourselves, and be infused with affection once we're inside her body. When we have sex, we have a hidden desire for that.

Laying in my girl friends lap and having my scalp rubbed is one of my favourite things she does for me. This is a beautiful, safe haven. I don't need to have sex to satisfy this need. All I have to do now is ask for it. I'm being profoundly touched and fully welcomed here. I'm not under any obligation to succeed or prove myself. All I have to do now is be prepared to be extremely vulnerable.

Men find it difficult to ask to be kissed, nurtured, and touched, and women find it difficult to offer that kind of intimacy. There are three primary explanations, all of which are mostly unspoken:

Men must admit to themselves that they need a safe haven where they can be nurtured and embraced by a woman. This takes time and maturity. It takes a lot of bravery for a man to tell his woman that while he wants sex, he also needs protection, affection, and nurturing. Allowing ourselves to be as insecure as a child can be the most manly thing a man can do, but it takes experience to realise this.

A woman must also be willing to look beyond her own conditioning and be open to a man who is revealing himself in new ways. Accepting the role of safe harbour requires a great deal of self-love and self-confidence. She must also be able to defend herself if his guilt at being insecure shows itself in anxiety, rage, or depression. Taking such risks is daunting for both men and women, but the payoff is a lifetime of growing love and intimacy.

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