The Most Valuable Sexual Advice for Men

Have you ever watched the movie Fame?

In one moment, a kid tells a teacher that he doesn't need an orchestra or anybody else to compose music. That he could compose music without anyone else's help, using a synthesizer.

The teacher tells Martelli, "That's not music. That's masturbation," 

Aside from the jokes from the Fame scene, there's a lot for males to consider when it comes to the distinctions between solo and partner sex

Too frequently, I'm afraid, guys (and yes, I've been guilty of this myself) conflate the aims and purposes of the two types of sex, which may lead to a slew of troubles.

Masturbation is done for your own physical and sexual enjoyment. You do whatever it takes to make yourself happy; you give yourself an orgasmic release, then go about your business (or fall asleep for the night).

When you use the same self-centered mentality to coupled sex, though, you and your partner lose out. Many men make the mistake of becoming so enthusiastic to have sex and overly concerned with their sexual performance (getting and staying hard, lasting as long as possible) that they lose sight of the reason they are there: to have joyful partnered sex.

The important word here is "partner."

And that's putting it in the good light. Let's face it: some men's ignorance of their spouses is purposeful, contemptuous, and abusive. Men who are intentionally blind to their partner's needs and mindful of utilizing them for their bodies are what I'm referring to. They are well-aware of what they are doing. As horrible as it is, that isn't what I'm talking about here. I have zero tolerance for males who behave in this manner.

Instead, I'm talking about men who are less aware of their selfish behavior, whether because they were never taught how to be a good partner or simply because they lack experience, have never thought about sex in this way, or are too caught up in the moment to get out of their heads and into the moment that should be shared by two people.

The most important piece of sex advice a guy can receive, the one thing that will improve his sex game while also making him a better man overall, is to never forget the actual meaning of the word partner.

It's a collaborative effort when you have sex with someone else. It may seem self-evident, yet a large percentage of women's sexual dissatisfaction with men stems from men's lack of awareness of their partners. If you don't believe me, just look at the evidence.

Lesbians have been demonstrated to offer women more orgasms in studies. "If you have sex with a heterosexual man, you've picked the demographic least likely to make you come," she says.

You plan, cook, and eat the food together when you have a culinary partner. You both contribute to and are responsible for the dinner, then you both enjoy it and leave the table pleased.

When you go to the gym with a partner, you both work out, you both sweat, you both push and motivate each other, you both spot each other, and you both support each other through your routine...all at the same time. You'll both feel satisfied, happy, and healthier as a result of your workout.

When you have sex with a partner, you both help to meet each other's physical and emotional needs (I'm not including climax since, while it is frequently the outcome of healthy partnered sex, it is not the aim in and of itself).

You're both touched in ways you couldn't do yourself, you're both having sex with another person, and you're both getting what you came for (pun intended). Right?

Not all of the time. Right?

That's a real pity.

It's actually more than a pity. It's egotistical, nasty, and unjust.

You'd never make a meal for your partner and then refuse to let her eat it. You'd never take her to the gym with you just to watch you work out.

So why would you participate in sex with a partner without ensuring that she (or he; this concept applies to any type of partnered sex) gets what they want and desire?

Sex may be thrilling, but it can also be exhausting. There's a lot of bottled-up energy in male sexual desire: the desires, the heat of the moment, the pleasure, the hunger, and the yearning for release. Everything is how it should be. And it's entertaining.

But, every now and again, we can get a bit ahead of ourselves and rush, and before we know it, we're done... and we've abandoned our spouse, who is upset and dissatisfied.

While there's nothing wrong with a quickie now and again, it's then that your actions as a guy will determine what type of partner you are.

Will you roll over and fall asleep...

or are you going to stay in the present and assist your partner in achieving the same level of fulfillment that you did?

"She Comes First" was a recent read for me. It's essentially an essay on how to execute oral sex on a lady, as well as a technical manual. I'll leave the mechanics and your preferred technique to you, but the main thesis of the book is exactly the same as the point I'm making here: in order to be a good lover, a good partner, you must ensure that your spouse has access to the widest spectrum of physical pleasure possible.

The book's author feels that oral sex is the way to go. The goal is to ensure that your sexual interactions are not selfish. Of course, it's acceptable to spend time concentrating on your own needs, wants, and desires, and it's even vital at times. Hopefully, your partner would want to offer and deliver the pleasure you desire.

It only needs to be returned.

Boys (and even young men, and even adult men) must learn how to talk about sex with other guys — and their relationships — from an early age as part of their sex education.

When conceptualizing the processes or phases of sex education, there is a common thread running through them, from learning how to speak about it to being taught the crucial, critical parts of explicit, ongoing permission to the significance of being an attentive, loving sexual partner.

It's a way of looking at sex as something that can be shared and enjoyed, rather than merely an act that you perform. That we consider pleasure, in addition to safe sex, contraception, and consent, for ourselves and, without exception, for our partner.

There was a #MeToo subculture that centered on inappropriate sexual behavior. That discussion was sparked by the article "Cat Person." Women began writing and speaking up about their all-too-common unpleasant, embarrassing, frustrating, and unsatisfying encounters with terrible sex, much as they had done in recalling instances of and experiences with sexual harassment.

Many women said they didn't know any different and felt they had to put up with being dissatisfied in order to avoid hurting their partners' feelings or because they didn't realize they could expect, ask for, and demand something better. They deserve better as women, humans, and sexual human beings.

Men were blamed for a lot of selfish and obnoxious conduct, most of which was justified. However, with more reflection, I discovered I had never been taught anything about sexual pleasure.

I'm not sure how to describe it for myself, or how important it is to give it to my partner. Everything I knew about orgasming during intercourse came from movies.

This is a problem of culture. While my sexual partners taught me a lot, it shouldn't be the responsibility of women to teach males about sexual equality. They should orgasm if I do.

Couples may and should learn about each other's bodies, turn-ons and turn-offs, dreams, and wants through working together. That's when the fun begins. Experimentation is also important.

However, it is not unrealistic for women to want their sexual partners to be mindful of being nice, loving, and fair-minded partners. You don't have to keep a scorecard or balance sheet of who gets what and when, but your sex life as a pair should leave both parties content and gratify over time.

Most men would agree that a sexual experience without climax is a big disappointment, if not a failure. Men, on the other hand, must apply the same principle to their partner's perspective. Otherwise, they'd be better off taking care of themselves, which is essentially what they're doing anyhow when they're not paying attention to their partner's needs.

Finally, there's one word in that final line that I'd want to comment on: requires. Desires, fancies, and wishes are all things that people have.

All of those terms and notions are significant, but they fall short of what is required.

"I have certain wants," as the cliché goes in our culture. "I've got to take care of myself." There are nuggets of truth in every cliché.

Our sexual wants and desires are, in reality, requirements. We instinctively know we need them, both physically and psychologically. They can't be changed.

A partnership has various demands, as I discussed before in my essays on emotional work here and here.

Physical and sexual needs, on the other hand, are just as significant, if not more so, than other wants. Our love partner's sexual and physical bond is what keeps the relationship going. It's what sets that relationship apart from your other friendships and partnerships.

A friendship can survive the end of a love relationship, but sex does not. A romantic relationship comes to an end when sexual intimacy is no longer present. In this definition, a romantic relationship is defined by the presence of sex.

Being a good partner is being aware of your spouse's emotional, psychological, physical, and sexual needs and assisting in their fulfillment. Of course, you have the right to expect that in return.

That's what romantic partnerships are: a symphony of two people appreciating one other's personalities, bodies, and ways of being in the world, preferably in harmony.

If you're not a good sexual partner and solely attend to your own demands, they will be the only ones you'll be able to fulfill in the end.