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The Guilty Pleasure

Why do I feel so bad about something that felt so good at the time?

By Skylar Rose PridgeonPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Recently I've been talking about and experimenting with my deepest fantasies. Fantasies that I've kept secret for quite some time. I'm lucky that I have a partner who respects me enough to not judge me for anything, so I feel as though I'm able to be totally open with him. I feel comfortable enough to try new things with him.

One of my fantasies is something that can only really be described as jealousy. There's something rather hot about being made purposefully jealous. It's strange though, as I hate being cheated on and it's the one thing that terrifies me when I'm in a relationship. I like to be in control, whilst feeling as though I'm not truly in control of the situation.

Here's the story: my partner was at a party and we were talking about things we'd most like to try via text. A guy was hitting on him and, when drunk, my partner gets rather turned on. My partner told me the guy was horny too — and I dared him to go ahead and suck him and show me. He did it. I didn't think he actually would, but he did, and damn, it turned me on at the time. I didn't get a video of it because he refuses to send me it, but just him describing to me what happened has been enough to drive me crazy.

We come to a couple of days later, however, and I'm feeling rather guilty about what happened. My partner is crazy loyal, and I feel as though it wasn't fair to give him such a dare when he was out drinking. I've said I won't do it again, and I've apologised if it made him uncomfortable. I'm also feeling rather uncomfortable about the whole situation. At the time it felt so good to have a fantasy I've had for a while be played out; but now I'm just feeling crazy jealous, and not the turned on kind.

This is the thing with fantasies. Sometimes we try them and love them, and sometimes we realise they may not be for us, after all. I'm conflicted currently about how I feel about the situation and how it made me feel. I'm not sure whether I would want to do it again or not. If I was to try such a thing again, it would certainly have to be after much discussion with my partner to make sure he's comfortable with it and it would have to be controlled so I feel comfortable with the situation playing out too.

Fantasies are a strange thing. The most bizarre of things can turn us on so much, and other people rarely understand it. My partner hasn't judged me for this, and I've explained it to him in the best way I can, but I can tell he doesn't quite get it. And I can tell he isn't comfortable with it completely, as like I said, he's crazy loyal to me.

Maybe I made a mistake with that dare, and maybe some fantasies just aren't meant to be realised. But we all make mistakes sometimes, and it's our job to learn from those mistakes. I have many more fantasies, some of them I've accepted could be risky for me to ever try, and I've decided to never try attempting them. I can get impulsive sometimes, so it's hard to stop myself from mentioning these to my partner, but it's for my own good that I don't.

We all have a guilty pleasure. Something that turns us on when it shouldn't. Something that we get turned on by then feel awful straight after. But there's nothing wrong with it! Experiment with your fantasies and sexuality and try to have a lot of fun in the process. Nothing is ever black and white, and it takes exploration to realise the grey area in between.

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About the Creator

Skylar Rose Pridgeon

I am a 21 year old transgender writer interested in politics, poetry and human relationships/sexuality. I do freelance journalistic work and am a journalism student at UEL.

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