The Duggar Family’s Creepiest Sex Advice

For one of the most conservative families on TV, the Duggars sure do talk about sex an awful lot. But I guess it makes sense when you look at the size of the conservative fundamentalist Christian clan; 19 Kids and Counting stars Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar certainly didn’t end up with 19 kids—or “blessings,” as they like to call them—through divine virgin births.

Over the years, various members of the Duggar family have talked about sex more than Amy Schumer during one of her stand-up routines, and yes, they do actually try to crack sex jokes on occasion. However, the Duggars may not be the best people to take sex advice from, since the family’s oldest son, Josh Duggar, ended up engaging in incestuous sexual molestation and cheating on his wife, so perhaps it’s best to look at the Duggar-inspired sex tips below as a list of what not to do to have a healthy sex life.

Think of sex like playing with Legos

One of the Duggars’ most cringe-inducing conversations about sex took place early on in the family’s career as TLC’s most enduring train wreck. Right before Josh Duggar’s wedding, Jim Bob sat his supposedly virgin son down to have a discussion about his favorite topic. In true Duggar fashion, he decided that the most appropriate place to have their sex talk was in the children’s area of the church where Josh and his doomed bride-to-be, Anna, were about to tie the knot.

After presenting Josh with a book about what he could expect on his wedding night, Jim Bob told his son to look at sex like playing with a toy (and no, there’s no way Josh was about to emasculate himself by giving his wife a vibrator as a wedding gift).

“It’s kind of, It’s kind of like Legos,” Jim Bob said.

Based on Josh’s past experiences with his younger sisters, it probably wasn’t the best idea for Jim Bob to reinforce his son's evident belief that women are just playthings that he can do whatever he wants to. Josh went on to jokingly complain that his dad’s book didn’t have any pictures in it, a quip that no member of the family is likely laughing at now that Josh has confessed to being addicted to porn. He also made a gross comment about his future wife, diminishing her to nothing more than a sex doll for him to experiment with.

“I’ll have a working model… Right?” he said. “No pictures necessary.”

When you can’t have the real thing, have lots of hand sex instead

The Duggars have some truly odd and restrictive “courtship” rules, including a ban on holding hands until a couple is engaged. But once a guy gets down on his knees, he can rub his woman’s fingers raw. This is exactly what Josh Duggar did after he proposed to Anna. He fondled her fingers and stroked the skin of her palm so much that Duggar fans came up with a special term for the nonstop groping and grabbing: “hand sex.” You have to see their writhing fingers and forceful rubbing for yourself to believe just how downright obscene it is.

Keep those collarbones and knees covered up

To the Duggars, sex isn’t just about what happens in the bedroom between a man and a wife or a sinful son and someone he met on the Ashley Madison website. The Duggars are out to save the world from sexual thoughts, and most of the onus to do this falls on women, of course. Michelle Duggar once shared her belief that women should keep their bodies covered from their necks to their knees to avoid “defrauding” men. According to the Duggar family matriarch, “defrauding” means “to stir up desires in someone else that cannot be righteously fulfilled.”

Unfortunately, her efforts to keep her daughters from becoming fantasy fodder for men who are not their husbands have failed; photos of Jill and Jessa’s exposed toes are popular on the WikiFeet foot fetish website.

Never deny your husband sex

One of Michelle Duggar’s most infamous comments is about a wife’s duty to her “headship.” In a blog post, she shared her view that she must drop everything to have sex with her husband—no matter how horrible she feels—because while any woman “can iron Jim Bob’s shirt for him” or whip him up a tater tot casserole, she’s the only one who can fulfill his “special need.” And you can't just half-ass having sex with your husband; you've got to do it with a fake smile plastered on your face.

“And so be available, and not just available, but be joyfully available for him,” Michelle writes on her family blog. “Smile and be willing to say, ‘Yes, sweetie I am here for you,’ no matter what, even though you may be exhausted and big pregnant and you may not feel like he feels. ‘I’m still here for you and I’m going to meet that need because I know it’s a need for you.’”

In other words, a woman’s body does not belong to her; it’s her husband’s property.

Don’t touch yourself

Having lots of hand sex might get a guy or gal who isn’t even allowed to kiss anyone until marriage all worked up, but you can only pray for a sleep orgasm when you’re an unmarried Duggar in love. In a recent blog post, second-oldest Duggar daughter, Jill, warned women against giving in to those desires that cannot be righteously fulfilled after seeing that Fleabag priest or listening to Michael Bublé. According to her, even married women risk the wrath of the Lord above if they engage in a little self-love.

“You both need this time together regularly (3-4 times a week is a good start. lol)," Jill writes. "And when you may not be able to actually have intercourse for a period of time or for health issues, find other ways to have fun and be intimate."

"Let your spouse know that you’re always available. Guard against fulfilling sexual desires alone. Be open with your spouse about your desires and change things up to keep it exciting!"

Jill’s other sex tips include playing sex games like "Positions Dice" and "Strip Never Have I Ever," fasting for your husband (or starving yourself), looking for ways to “serve” him, and asking God for ideas on how to surprise your man. Maybe the Lord will put it upon your heart to buy that pricey lingerie that you’ve had your eye on.

If you feel like humping your wife in front of your kids, just do it

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have a real PDA problem. They’ve been filmed teaching newlyweds-to-be Jessa Duggar and Ben Seewald how to kiss, but making out isn’t the creepiest thing that they’ve done in front of the couple. Apparently, one of their secrets to keeping that spark alive is flaunting their ability to get physical with each other in front of their sheltered virgin children. Back when Ben was still courting Jessa, the youngsters weren’t allowed to touch at all. Jim Bob really seemed to relish this during a mini-golf double date with his wife, daughter, and future son-in-law. Instead of being respectful of Jessa and Ben’s decision to follow his crazy courtship rules, he decided to make things extremely uncomfortable for them by flaunting his physical relationship with his wife and taunting Jessa and Ben by constantly reminding them that they couldn't kiss or get close to each other.

Jim Bob took his power trip way too far when he got behind Michelle and basically dry-humped her while she was trying to hit her ball into a hole (It’s a shame that her reaction wasn’t to turn around and use her putter to hit the pair of balls attached to the a-hole behind her). To make matters worse, Jim Bob also tried to talk dirty while his daughter and her date looked on.

"Am I turning you on?" he said, after kissing Michelle.

The obscene scene was so awful that it made an appearance on an episode of VH1’s Best Week Ever as its “Greatest Reality Moment in the History of This Week.” According to Jim Bob, behavior like his putt-putt PDA is a must because he believes that it’s important for his kids “to understand that mommy and daddy love each other.” Sometimes, those side-hugs just aren’t enough.

Discover the joys of Christ-approved pornography

And no, I’m not talking about videos of Jim Bob and Michelle getting it on on a putting green here. Jill Duggar and Derick Dillard’s idea of acceptable material to get the sex drive going include a cleaned-up, sanitized version of the Kama Sutra “that doesn’t focus on spiritual aspects, homosexual, or other extramarital relationships.” In other words, all of the really fun stuff is missing.

Jill and Derick are also big fans of the naughtiest book of the Bible, “The Song of Solomon.” For Valentine’s Day 2015, Derick revealed their plans for the romantic holiday via an Instagram photo. In his snapshot of their dimly lit bedroom, a tray full of treats like Hershey’s kisses and gummy candies is sitting on their bed next to a Bible turned to "The Song of Solomon." The couple presumably spent their evening reading descriptions of breasts that are like clusters of grapes, fawns, gazelles, and towers. The dirty book also includes a sexy bit about a fragrant lady garden full of “choice fruits” waiting to be tasted, as well as this verse that definitely isn’t metaphor for real hand sex:

"My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt."

I also can’t help but wonder if Jill and Derick spent their Valentine’s Day celebrating an obvious scatological fetish. It’s hard to believe that these words appear in the Bible:

"My beloved put his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him."

Ask your mom to pray for you when you're going to be around hot guys

The Duggars don't let their daughters date around, but Jim Bob and Michelle can't keep the girls away from the good-looking guys that they might encounter at church functions, like Joseph Duggar's hot but horrifically bigoted pastor father-in-law. Luckily, Michelle is willing to help them pray their attraction away. She talked about this in a now-deleted interview for the How Stuff Works website. Luckily, the wonderful members of the Free Jinger web forum have preserved her words for posterity.

"A few times when my girls have been getting ready to go out they've said, 'Mama, will you pray for me, because I know I'm going to be around some boys and I just want to keep my heart right. I want to have the right response and to not be flirtatious or not have any wrong motives but to really keep it on a friendship level,'" Michelle recounted. "I'll pray for them, and I think that talking about it helps the girls to understand that these feelings are normal, that this is a part of life— you're not strange!"

What is strange is wanting to give birth to 19 kids, but if you want to have enough sex to pop out an equally large brood, these tips might just help you become TLC’s next big star.