Sophisticated Lady

There's that song. Duke Ellington wrote it. Sophisticated Lady. I'd heard it before. But, I had never really listened to the lyrics:

Smoking, drinking, never thinking of tomorrow, nonchalant

Diamonds shining, dancing, dining with some man in a restaurant

Is that all you really want? No, no

Sophisticated lady I know, you miss the love you lost long ago

And when nobody is nigh, you cry

I was sitting alone in a piano bar. It was about 1:30 in the morning. I had been out with a bunch of girlfriends. My man was out of town so I had no one to get home to. I found this tiny place and went in and ordered myself a drink. There was a man at the piano and a female vocalist. I felt that I had traveled back to the 30's. The vocalist was singing this song. I listened to her some more:

They say, into your early life romance came

And in this heart of yours burned a flame

A flame that flickered one day, and died away

My mind instantly went to my first love. I honestly hadn't thought about him in a while. Sure, he'd cross my mind here and there. I hadn't heard from him in a long time. I was so happy in my current relationship that I forgot about all the pain he had caused me. The vocalist continued:

And then, with disillusion deep in your eyes

You learned that fools in love soon grow wise

The years have changed you somehow, I see you now

She started at the top of the song again. I took a sip of my martini. As she continued, I realized that I was the Sophisticated Lady. I fell in love at a young age. After that I let countless men take me out. Buy me drinks and gifts. But what I really wanted deep down was him.

As I was in deep thought, I heard the bell on the front door chime. Naturally I turned my head to see who it was. I had to blink a few times to make sure I was seeing correctly. Yup, it was him.

He instantly caught my eyes. He looked like a mess. His shirt was half tucked in and some buttons where undone. His hair was disheveled and looked like he hadn't slept for a week.

He made his way over to me. He stumbled over to a stool next to me.

He motioned to the bartender, " I'll have a Manhattan."

I interrupted, " No. He'll have some coffee."

The bartender looked at me, " We don't have coffee."

I leaned over the bar slightly so he could see my cleavage, " I'm sure you have a machine in the back..."

He started at my breasts then threw his towel over his shoulder, " Be right back."

I looked over to my past lover, " Hey."

" Hi you."

His eyes were bloodshot. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. I put my hand on his leg, " What's going on?"

" She found out."

My heart stopped, " What? How?"

" She doesn't know it's you. She found the hotel receipts in my winter coat pocket when she was reorganizing the closet."

" And you told her the truth?"

" She knew immediately. I couldn't lie to her. She kept asking who but I would never do that to you."

The bartender came back with his coffee, " There you go."

" May I have another martini?"

He continued, " She kicked me out of the apartment. I don't know what I'm going to do." He began to cry.

I had only ever seen my father cry before. It's odd seeing one of the most masculine people you know cry. It hurt me seeing how upset he was.

I tried to comfort him, " It'll be okay. This happens all the time. Everyone usually gets back together."

He looked at me, " You didn't see how angry she was. The things she said...she threw things."

I tried to make him laugh, " At least she didn't hit that face of yours."

I got a smile out of him, " I've missed you so much."

I fixed his hair, " Where are you staying?"

" No where. I've been bouncing from bar to bar for the past two days. She told all of our friends."

I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth, " You're gonna stay with me. Just until you figure things out."

" What about your guy?" He asked, " I know you're with someone."

" He's out of town for a bit."

I then took the man I had an affair with to my apartment. I knew I shouldn't have. But I couldn't stand the thought of him alone for another night.

I brought him a blanket and extra sheet for my couch, " There you go. There are extra towels in the bathroom."

" Thank you," he held his arms open for a hug.

I stayed where I was.

" What's wrong?"

" I'm scared if I come over there something is going to happen."

He put his arms down, " Melissa?"

I then let it all out, " Do you know what you put me through? Do you know how badly I wanted to be with you? How I believed you when you said you'd get a divorce? God, I was a fucking idiot. I was so stupid to think you'd actually leave her. I cried myself to sleep for months after we stopped seeing each other. Which we never discussed by the way. That was entirely your decision. You never asked me what I wanted. If you were nervous we were going to get caught you should've said something-"

He came over and put his hands on my arms, " I had no idea-"

I shook him off, " Don't fucking touch me!" I was the one crying now, " I loved you. And you know what? I still do. I will always love you even after the emotional hell you put me through. Why? I haven't a clue. But, you know what? You can't choose the people you fall in love with."

" I love you too. It was complicated. But maybe now..."

I looked up through my tears, " What?"

He got close to me and took my hands, " We could be together."

Was he out of his mind? An hour ago he was crying that his marriage was over. Now he's asking me to be with him?

" For real?"

" Yes," he said, " I have always loved you. From the moment I first laid eyes on you..." He kissed me.

I pushed him away, " No."

He kissed me again.

I let it linger a little longer. Then pushed him away again, " Stop."

He knelt down and starting kissing my legs. Making his way up my arms. Getting the crook of my neck. I just stood there and let him do it. Then we were face to face. I was looking deep into those dark eyes and saw my reflection. For whatever reason I was desperately in love with this man. He set my soul on fire.

I gave in and whispered, " Oh fuck me."

He grabbed me and kissed me powerfully. His hands were digging into my back. I was clutching his hair with one and and holding his neck with the other. He picked me up, carried me into my bedroom, and threw me on the bed. I sat myself up on my elbows. He was standing at the end of the bed taking his shirt off. He slowly crept up to me and began kissing me again.

My mind flashed back to the first time we slept together. How I almost turned around and didn't go into that room. And yet, I did. Now here we were. About to sleep together for the first time in over a year. Would it be different? Awkward? Frankly, I didn't care. I just knew that I was with the man that broke my heart, and the one I truly loved.

The initial making out was calm. Then the passion kicked in. Tongues down each other's throats. I bit his lower lip. He gave me a little shove, pulled away, and ripped my shirt off. Literally. Ripped it in half. I took my own bra off while he slipped his pants off. I sat on my knees and met him eye to eye. I reached into his underwear and grabbed his dick. I slowly started moving my hand up and down along it. Then, I gave it a little yank.

He made a face, " Well, that's new."

I gave a sly look, " It has been a while. I may have some new tricks…”

He started to unzip my pants. Pulled them down and slipped his hand down there. My heart started to beat faster. I missed his touch. I missed everything about him. His smile and his laugh. That look he would get when he was deep in thought. The different ways he'd look at me. The " I have to have you now" look. Or the way he'd look at me after making love. Peaceful and happy.

That was not the feeling now. We were animals. By now I was on all fours and he was behind. It had never been like this before. Sure it would be rough. But never this rough.

I started to come up a little bit. But he pushed me back on my hands. He'd never done that before. I didn't like it. I got mad. I'd never gotten mad in the bedroom before. So what did I do? I showed him a side of me he'd yet to see.

With all my force I sat up on my knees, turned half way around and shoved him on to his back.

" Mel what-"

I straddled him. I was pushing him down with one hand and searching for his dick with the other. When I found it, I put it inside me and started to ride him. I'd never been on top with him before. He was always the one in charge. Now it was my turn. I realized just how mad at him I was. Not just for him pushing me down. For everything. For playing with my emotions. For promising me things he never had any intention of doing. He took advantage of me. I was young and innocent. He made me the cold harsh person I had become. I was never like that. I was sweet and charming. I had a light within me. That light was no longer there.

Now it was a power play. I couldn't hold him down any longer. He sat straight up and I fell on my back. My head was off of the bed. That didn't stop him though. He continued to thrust. And thrust. And thrust. Then, he came. Once he was out of me, I rolled to my side and he slapped my ass. That was another thing he had never done before.

Once I sat up, I noticed I was bleeding. That's how aggressive he had been. I went into the bathroom to clean up.

While I was sitting on the toilet, I realized that man out there was not the person I used to know. I don't know if maybe he was just mad about his wife. Or if this was now the person he was. Whoever he was, I knew that he was not the man I wanted to be with. That side I saw, scared me. If he could just flip like that in bed, how would he be in real life?

I put on my robe and went back out. He was sitting up flipping through a book my man had left on the night stand.

" I take it this is his?"

I nodded my head.

He put it down and got under the covers, " Come to bed."

"No."

He looked confused, " What?"

" This is my apartment. I want you to sleep on the couch. And come morning, I want you gone."

" I don't understand."

" We can't be together," I said, " First of all, I'm in a happy relationship now. He's kind and has a good heart. He cares about me. Second, if we end up together she will know I was the one you were going to those hotels with. That will ruin my career."

He looked stunned, " What about everything you said earlier? How you'll always love me?"

" I love the person I met three years ago. That is not the person I just had sex with."

" I know. I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. Melissa, I'll never hurt you again."

I sat down next to him on the bed, " Doesn't matter. We can't do this. I know she'll take you back. I know it with every fiber of my being. She loves you so fucking much. I saw it with my own eyes the day of my event."

His eyes started watering.

So did mine, " You love her. The love you may have for me is different. She is your person."

He put his head in my lap and began to cry. I remembered he loved the show "Friends".

I picked his head up and looked at him, " She's your lobster."

He laughed and I gave him a hug. I held him as he let it all out. I was still so mad at him. But I couldn't stand to see how much pain he was in. He should've been the one holding me. So I could let it out. But that was no longer the person I was. I kept it in. For the rest of my life I will keep it in.

I woke up that morning alone. I remembered he had fallen asleep with me. I still had my robe on. I went out into the living room. He was gone. He had made coffee and left a note by the machine:

Thank you. I will always love you.

I tear fell from my cheek. I held the note to my heart. I was proud of myself. I had let him go. I could’ve said yes. I could’ve thrown myself into his arms and said “yes I want to be with you”. But I didn’t. Because I knew deep down he could never truly love me. How did I know he wouldn’t cheat on me?

I thought about the song I heard last night. How I compared myself to the “Sophisticated Lady”. That might’ve been me a few hours ago. But I no longer was. No longer am I “Sophistacated Lady”.