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Sex Fears We All Have

Understanding and embracing certain sex fears we all have will help us overcome them.

By George GottPublished 8 years ago 7 min read

As Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself," and that goes for sexual fears as well. Throughout life, as humans, we are constantly being bombarded by insecurities that make us feel less than. One of the most dreaded fears a person can experience is when it comes to sex. These sexual fears can make people feel defeated and inadequate. Sexual fears aren't always visible, and you may not even know you have them sometimes. They can take cover deep down inside your subconscious mind and as a result, you might find yourself avoiding sex altogether. You might be a person who has never had sex or has had a lot of sex or somewhere in the middle. If these sexual fears are getting in the way of you having a well balanced sex life then that's a major problem.

As humans, we crave intimacy and it is an important part of life. This experience shouldn’t be so hard, but it can be. Instead of feeling guilt ridden, ashamed, or humiliated by these fears, try to acknowledge and embrace them so that you can overcome them. The following is a list of some, of the many, common sex fears we all have throughout life. You are not alone.

Fear of Being Naked

For some people, being naked is normal and at times can feel liberating. For others, however, being naked and exposed in front of another person can be one of the biggest fears a person can experience. The fear of being exposed is probably the worst there is because there is a long host of insecurities that come along with it. Feeling unattractive due to body hang ups can be a real buzz kill when you are about to get it on. Some insecurities that might inhibit you from getting naked include having a weird mole somewhere, or feeling you’re fat or you think you are too thin. No one is perfect; we are all flawed in some sort of way. Remember, it's our flaws that make us unique and interesting. Honestly, there is a reason why your partner is with you. They are probably so thrilled to see you in all your nakedness that they aren't noticing anything that you think is so hideous. If you have time before your next fling, maybe try doing things that make you feel desirable, such as getting a massage or doing some affirmations. These are major acts that can boost your self-esteem. If you tell yourself that you're beautiful enough times, maybe you'll start to believe it. And if your partner does freak out or you can tell they aren’t necessarily into you, then maybe they’re not the one. Embrace and love who you are and your body and try not to be something for someone else.

Fear of Not Being Good at Sex

Rome wasn’t built in a day and the same can be said about your performance during sex. We didn’t just become great at sex straight out of puberty. It takes time and practice to get good at it. If perhaps you think you actually aren't good at sex per se, don't be so hard on yourself. Not everyone fucks like a porn star. Try instead on concentrating on what you like, and be sensitive to your partner's needs by exploring each other's bodies first. By doing this, rather than jumping into the physical aspects of sex, will help you make feel more comfortable and lessen the fears you might have. You also may still be learning what you like and respond to. So how can you be intimate with someone without really knowing what you or they might like? With the right person and a little experimentation together, you can build up your confidence. Practice makes perfect or at least pretty damn close.

Fear of Bodily Functions Happening at the Wrong Time

Sometimes shit happens, literally. In sex it’s no exception. Weird and gross things can happen when being intimate. It’s a fact that we all must live with. If you are into anal, expect some poop in the mix. Also who hasn't let one rip by accident during sex? Having your body go wild in a way you don't exactly want can be a serious buzzkill, but it’s human. If your partner is willing to overlook your faux pas, keep that person close. Remember that we are all human and these things do happen. Let go of the shame and don't make a big deal of it. We're not always in control of our bodies. Don't let natural bodily function slip-ups prevent you from having some cake by the ocean.

Fear of Failure to Orgasm 

This sex fear we all have can be quite troubling especially if the sex is going great. For men, orgasms can be exciting or it can be a complete let down. If a guy ejaculates, awesome, then sex went as planned. But if he doesn’t or has trouble, don’t fret because it’s not you most times. Some guys have issues that can make orgasming hard to reach. It can be quite simply a physiological reason. He could possibly have delayed ejaculation or anorgasmia, which literally means no orgasm at all. It’s natural and not emotional. Your guy should definitely consult a urologist.

Now regarding a woman’s orgasm, biologically reaching an orgasm is quite similar to a man. Lots of women can't climax from intercourse. Statistically roughly 75 percent of women can’t. The best thing to ease your fear is to find out what works best for you. If you are one of those women that find it difficult to climax during penetration, try using hands, mouth, sex toys and masturbation to help. Ask your partner to slow down or be blunt and tell them that it’s not working and try something else. Why should they get off and not you? So, while there may be very different needs, expectations, and behaviors in males and females leading up to an orgasm, the orgasmic experience is almost identical in both sexes. Orgasm is also likely to be similar in transgender and intersex individuals.

Fear of Disappointment 

Sometimes before sex, people have high hopes but sometimes those fantasies can come crumbling down. It's never a good idea to go into a sexual encounter thinking its going to be a certain way. Another fear of disappointment can simply be you think you wouldn't be good at sex. Don’t let your insecurities keep you away. You could stress yourself out to such a degree that, not only the sex will suck, but your partner would be scratching their heads. A good bit of advice would be to tell your partner what you want and don't be scared to check in with them about what they want. If you're asked to do something different than what you're doing, don’t take offense, maybe it isn’t working for them. Ask them what would work. Same goes for you. Be honest and upfront if something doesn’t feel right. Good sex is about mutual compromises sometimes.

Fear of Feeling Pain

Feeling pain during sex can really turn a sexual encounter sour quickly. If you’re in pain, tell your partner immediately. It’s not a good idea to just roll with it. Why be uncomfortable when it’s supposed to be enjoyable? It doesn’t make sense. For women sometimes things being inserted into the vagina can be painful, this disorder is commonly called vaginismus. This is actually a really common disorder that a lot of women experience. Vaginismus happens because the vagina's muscles can squeeze or spasm when something is entering it, like a tampon or a penis. The pain can vary depending on the woman. Some exercises like kegels can help strengthen a woman’s muscles down there to prevent any further discomfort. Regarding anal, if you are a woman or even a man, be gentle. Don’t rush into it, literally and figuratively. Anal can be enjoyable if you do it right.

Fear of Getting or Spreading an STD 

To ease that fear it is best to use protection, always. Safe sex is hands down the best advice anyone can use! Always be protected, especially if you don’t know your partner 100 percent. Fearing that you can get or give an STD is not as crazy as you think. Take for instance the statistic that 1 in 4 adults have herpes, whether they show signs of it or not. Sometimes, unless you do get tested for every STD under the sun, people will never know they are infected. It is highly recommended that people have safe sex. It will help prevent getting or spreading an STD. Also don’t be ashamed if you or your partner does have one. Having an STD is common and not a death sentence. Just be smart, upfront and safe.

Fear of the Unknown 

We all fear things we have never done or simply haven’t done enough. It can be challenging to overcome those sex fears we all have. The best thing you can do for yourself is learn to love yourself and embrace who you are. It takes time, practice and self esteem to feel good about sex. If you go into a sexual encounter not feeling good about yourself, externally and internally, then you will never get over feeling scared about sex. Don’t beat yourself up. Sex fears are more common than you might think. Living in today's world is stressful enough. If your sex life isn't as awe inspiring as you think it could be, and your fears are getting in the way, try to take a step back, and do something that gives you pleasure to alleviate your inhibitions. Don't shame yourself for not feeling as you think other people are expecting you to feel. Take your time, get help if you think it’s needed, and don’t forget there's no known perfect way to have good sex.


About the Creator

George Gott

Writer & Social Media Editor for Jerrickmedia who is an avid reader of sci-fi and a fierce defender of women, minority, and LGBTQ rights.

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