Sex addiction

Content : sex ,relationships, mental health, addiction , depression , Intimacy , tigger warning assault , rape , sexual abuse .

Disclaimer : I’m not a doctor or qualified psychologist or sex and relationship expert . Simply a woman who is sharing her experiences.

When people think of sex addicts they often think of creepy perverted men who are obsessed with pornography . This is a generalised stereotype. The fact is that sex addiction can be something many people suffer with including women .

However the mainstream attitudes towards women and sex have been dominated with shame and guilt labelling women as sluts , whores , harletts , slappers , Floozies, slags , jessabells ( the list goes on ) . These are negative names for women who choose to enjoy sex or be promiscuous. There are not really any similar names given to men for the same behaviour that carry such negative connotations . Where women are deterred from expressing their sexuality , men are encouraged and often celebrate their ability to acquire several sexual partners. This is a social issue routed in centuries of historical sexist attitudes towards women and sexual activity out of wedlock as well as misconstrued ideas of misogyny deeply imbedded in our society .

The consensus also includes the idea that it’s ok for women to want sex because this means that it increases the probability of a man ( if the woman is heterosexual) having sex . The generalised option is that men are driven by their sexual desires. They want sex more than women and are unable to control their libido.

This is not the case. Many women want sexual satisfaction. We have needs and desires too . The fact we often surprise these because we have been told that having them is dirty or shameful . This is why many of us don’t act on them . Women are often told to be coy and demure in order to appear classy and wholesome which are apparently desirable qualities to have . How women choose to express and explore their sexuality should be up to them . Women should be focused on their own pleasure and for filling their needs not just the needs of their partners .

There are many complex dynamics when it comes to relationships and these are the result of centuries of oppression and shame directed at women in regards to sex. Some is to do with rape culture that still dictates how we view sexual relationships between men and women or other women . However for the scope of this article I will not digress into this issue any further.

The addiction isn’t often the sex itself but the intermacy or the human contact that comes with it . The desperate need to be loved or the desire to wanted in a sexual way can stem from several different problems often related to personal experiences . We as humans are social creatures so we crave company and it’s in our biological nature to want to find a mate or companion.

There are many biological factors that contribute to sex addiction . Usually it’s to do with the release of chemicals in the brain that stimulate the feelings of pleasure such as dopamine oxytocin and Serotonin. Having an intermit or sexual experience with someone triggers these hormones to be released into the bloodstream. Simple things that are not necessarily sexual can also cause them such as holding hands , being hugged or just having a conversation involving eye contact . The romantic connection between individuals is often an important part when it comes to developing sexual desires as attraction isn’t just to do with physical appearance.

The difference between wanting these things and sex addiction is simply how you manage them and your actions that follow . People with sex addiction will choose to do one of three things ;

1) ignore or suppress these feelings and find ways to distract themselves from their sexual urges , sometimes through abstinence.

2) try to forfill the need without involving someone else , usually through masterbation .

3) seek out other individuals willing to indulge their sexual desires or need for intermacy.

This first option isn’t very healthy and is routed in shame or guilt . They can also be connected to confusion about ones own sexuality . The best thing to do is do some research . Have a think about your feelings and desires . Is it a daily compulsion that will not go away until you satisfy it . Or is it because you are lonely and just crave a physical or emotional connection . Check that they do not involve any form of illegal activity . Consider talking to someone either a friend or a professional. Look at alternative methods of coping with your desires . Get help if needed .

The second option is totally fine and a normal healthy thing that people do . As long as it’s not affecting your day to day life or becoming an obsession which you need to do several times a day or you can’t function . If this is the case I’d suggest going to see your doctor first as you may have a hormonal imbalance . Also if it’s affecting your personal life then getting help is a good step that could have several benefits when it comes to personal relationships . Some people find that this method doesn’t satisfy them so they move onto the third option .

I am a sex positive person and believe that casual sex is totally fine between two consenting adults . There are many negative attitudes towards promiscuous people especially women . This is a type of slut shaming . We are all sexual beings with needs and desires . As long as we take responsibility and practice safe sex and always communicate with our partners about what we want . There is nothing wrong with having lots of sex.

Obviously you should be considerate of others around you as many people feel uncomfortable if they hear others having loud sex . Also make sure you are obeying the law and not doing it in public places or with some one who can not consent due to lack of capacity or simply being under age . I’d also encourage people to use contraception to be responsible and avoid the spread of STDs or any unwanted pregnancies. Also if you are having sex with multiple partners make sure you get your self tested regularly ( the usual guideline is everything 3 months or before and after every new partner ) .

This option can be very forfilling and often a confidence booster as feeling desirable is something many of us crave . However the dangers of including someone else has several complications that go further than the potential to contract diseases or accidental conception .

You need to be mindful of the other persons feelings . Communicate clearly what you both want . Set clear boundaries of what is ok and what is off limits, consider having a safe word to indicate when one of you is uncomfortable. Check in with your partner to make sure they are enjoying the experience. Be understanding and patient with them as sex is a very personal thing that can trigger high levels of emotion . Be very clear about your intentions be it romantic or purely sexual ,to make sure there is no risk of someone’s feelings getting hurt . Don’t hesitate to terminate a relationship if things start to go in a direction you are not comfortable with .

Even if you choose to do any of these methods you are not addressing the underlying reasons as to why you have these feelings, desires sexual urges . This is when I would strongly urge you to seek professional help . Start by first asking yourself if you actually feel addicted to sex or the feeling you get after having sex , or if you just have a high libido ( sex drive ) . Maybe also look into doing a little research into sex addiction online as there are many useful sources available . Have a long hard think about why you might have these feelings , is it to do with your past relationships? Have you had a traumatic or mentally scarring experience that makes you scared of physical or sexual contact. Did you not get enough physical affection when you were a child ( some research supports the argument that that skin on skin contact as a baby from breast feeding or other physical contacts such as hugging is very important for a child’s development ) . Or do you have really low self esteem or body confidence issues . What ever the reason is address it directly . Get professional help . Consider the possible solutions such as discussing with to your doctor about taking mood regulators or anti depressants ( some are known to have side effects like a lower sexual libido ) .

Most importantly it is essential to do something productive if you aren’t unhappy . By accepting that you have a problem and take positive steps to resolving it or develop healthy coping mechanisms until the issue can be the best way to deal with it effectively.

Finally I don’t want tho article to me anyone do bad about themselves. Infact the whole purpose of me writing this is to hopefully help someone who has been through something similar. Please know you are not alone . You aren’t not weird or a freak . You are human . It’s natural to have sexual desires and to want healthy relationships , intermacy or just good sex . But if you are unhappy please get help . It does work and you can feel better it just takes time and a little bit of work .