Putting the wall back up

Its funny how my whole entire life fell apart over night. I went from being happily engaged and trying for a family to desperately finding a way to end my relationship. I wanted to blame the pandemic, but it only highlighted the issues that were already there. In the end we remain friends but the hurt makes it hard.

The night we met, one of the happier days, a time we didn't resent each other. I remember him walking into the bar, I remember the butterflies i had, you never forget a feeling like that. I knew I had to talk to him, and as i watched him from across the room i tried to gain the courage to talk to him. I had not long got out of an abusive relationship and i was a very broken woman I admit, but I wasn't looking for someone to take the weight of my baggage. I wanted to feel wanted for a night. That's all. And I noticed how he would sneak a look at me every so often. He ended up coming over to my table and asking if he could sit by me and buy me a drink.

He was one of those nice guys us women don't usually go for, lets face it we all love a bad boy! But with him, he was different to anyone id ever fallen for before. Our bond grew quickly, we soon found we couldn't be apart and I moved in. That's when it all went wrong, our biggest mistake was ever thinking we could repair something that broke. Our relationship was never broken, we never built it properly. We wanted it to work, truly.

The problems for me started when he lost interest in me sexually. He swore it wasn't because he wasn't attracted to me, he just wasn't interested in sex, but how do you believe that? I lost what little confidence I had to start with. Then he started to become more physically distant, finding any excuse not to cuddle me. When I confronted him again and again about this he suggested an open relationship. Yes, he suggested it. Id get to have sex with whoever I wanted but he wouldn't. At the time it seemed acceptable to me, i didn't see anything wrong with it. I thought that would save us, if the only issue we had was sex then this should surely either make him jealous enough to make the effort or satisfy my needs.

He didn't seem to care. Id tell him about the men I planned to meet, but never did, and he'd give me advice on my outfit. I could never go through with it as it felt disloyal, regardless of his permission. This just made me slowly start to hate him. I loved him, I really did.

When we finally did break up, it became so much more obvious. The man i had given the last four and a half years to rebounded with a man. Ah, but he's not gay, he insists, like I believe that now. He never wanted a family either. We had been trying for a baby for nearly 6 months, to no avail. We had suffered a miscarriage as well, which i think added to my feelings towards him, and him me.

There was so many more issues, like he his our engagement for over a year! How am i expected to move past this? All this pain, how do I process it?

This man made me out to look like the bad guy constantly, yet he's my best friend. He wont ever realise what he put me through, because of him I cant trust men, I cant look in the mirror without feeling disgusted. Its hard to believe anyone is truly interested in me. So that's why the walls go up, they're there to protect me from anymore damage.

I'm damaged enough.