Ping Pong Sex Advice

All you need is a couple of balls, a paddle, and some stamina. Are we talking about a game of ping pong or a rowdy round in the sack? You may never know, similar to the mystery that will ensue when you read over these questions submitted to a sensuous ping pong player. This Q&A covers everything from contracting a disease to partner preference, while participating in ping pong that is! But these innuendos can be interpreted as sex advice as well. But hey, we’re not the first to make a connection between sex and the age-old sport of ping pong! In Balls of Fury, Master Wong cautions us, "Ping Pong... is not the Macarena. It takes patience. She is like a fine, well-aged prostitute... it takes years to learn her tricks."

Why do my ping pong partner and I seem to be getting less and less out of our games? —A.W., Rootbier, lda.

You and your partner are probably not engaging in sufficient foreplay. At least ten minutes—or two or three hundred rallies—should be tried before initiating regular play. During foreplay a variety of shots should be used to warm up the partner—chops, side spins, dropshots, backhand flicks, etc. A noticeable reddening of the cheeks and lips and pronounced quickening of the breath will be observed when your partner is ready. During foreplay partners should talk to each other softly, trading compliments on the beauty and crispness of their Shots.

Do you recommend the new foam-rubber paddles? —S.H., Green Stump, Del.

While foam paddles are extremely safe, some female players find them uncomfortable. Whichever paddle works best should be used, but you should never play without one. Better safe than sorry.

What do I tell my five-year-old about ping pong? —J.C., Penny, N.H.

Tell him the truth: that there is a place called China and they have literally hundreds of ping pong players who can beat the wang out of any American alive. Show him your equipment and explain that when he's big enough, he can play—and don't be timid and self-conscious about using up-front words like "ball," "net," "paddle," "serve," and "let."

To my great dismay, my college son, Mike, just wrote me to say he prefers a male partner and I might as well know it. Is there anything I can do? —Mrs. R.C., Cola, Fla.

Perhaps Mike has never played with a girl who's really good on the table—you might try shopping around to find him one. USO hostesses were always very adept, but there don't seem to be too many around anymore. If that fails, it's probably best to accept what Mike is and learn to live with it. Under no circumstances should you put him down or lay a guilt trip on him.

My girlfriend, Michelle, went to one of those swinging games where eight to 10 people play all at once, exchanging partners right in the middle of the game and everything. It sounds squirrelly to me. What do you think? —N.M., Ohpeekue, R.I.

Though I personally believe ping pong is best as a twosome, played in the seclusion of your cellar, with soft lights and Drake, we shouldn't be judgmental about such variations on the game. I must say that most of the "gang-games'' I have witnessed have tended to be very unstructured affairs, with players falling all over each other and usually under the influence of drugs, such as weed and Camels, and no one keeping score properly. Sheer stamina seems to be admired by group players, rather than delicacy and finesse. On the other hand, many group players maintain that their kind of play has strengthened their regular partnership and sometimes even saved it.

My regular partner, Kathy, doesn’t approve of certain unorthodox shots, such as the backhand flick or the spiral serve, because she "wasn't brought up that way." What can I do to change her head, as I enjoy variety in my shot-making? —E.M., Forester, Wash.

First, explain to Kathy that no shot is inherently "wrong" or "unnatural." Then, in the privacy of your game room, try slipping in a few of these unconventional techniques—but only after Kathy has been warmed up with a lot of straight shots.

This morning when I inspected my hand I found a blister and fluid dripping from between my right thumb and forefinger. Could this be serious? About three days ago I played with a strange partner at the "Y" and we exchanged paddles. Is there something wrong? —H.M., Pulham, Texas

It could very well be. You might have contracted spinphilis, which can only be transmitted between players in a hard game—whatever else you may have heard. On the other hand, it could be a simple dose of the "claps," brought on by too much applause, say, at a professional table-tennis exhibition. You should immediately check with your family doctor or the nearest P/P clinic. (No one there will ask your last name or report you to USTTA authorities. Just take a number and be seated, and look out for Nurse Dyke.) In the future either avoid playing with strangers or wear a Hi-Jeen Supersensitive imitation-latex grip cover.

Are any ping pong balls really safe? —B.B., Kingman, Ariz.

There is no absolutely safe ball, but the popular vacuum-packed acetate model is highly reliable when used with the rhythm system (alternating balls every three days).

Would you explain the terms "heterodextral," "homodextral," and "ambidextral"? —l.R.S., Ahdit, Conn.

These refer to which hand you grip the paddle with. The most common and socially accepted player is the homodextral, who grips his paddle with the same hand he eats his soup with. The next most common is the ambidextral (or "AC-DC"), who uses either hand. Ambis are quite prevalent among Beautiful People, Radical Feminists, and Funky Fashion devotees. The heterodextral, who uses the opposite hand, is still not completely accepted socially, and generally must seek out recreation areas that cater to his type. Although there is no moral reason for considering the heterodextral inferior, many homos feel uncomfortable around heteros. Usually a simple, "I'm sorry, but I'm a homo," is sufficient to clear the air. Or there are lapel pins available, showing a strong right hand gripping a paddle, which silently tell one and all "where your hand's at" when it comes to the game.

Though I only found it out after we were married, my old man likes to waste his opponent as bad as he can. His favorite winning score is 11–0, which is game under some rules, and you don't even have to go to 21. (I believe it's called a "Skunk," and around San Diego, “boccie ma bols.") What can I do? —Mrs. S.W., Kress, Kan.

Your old man is very probably an S&M (Slam and Murder) type of player. If you can't mellow him out, you might just have to find another partner. If there are children involved, remember that in the long run separation will be for the best, especially if they are in their formative years when they could have their game ruined. It might be of interest to your husband to know that two of the greatest hustlers in the game today—Palm Beach Percy and East Egg Adlai—both play a very gentle and laid-back game. These are men who carry their own custom paddles in morocco cases with gilt mongrams. They never play for less than five cents per match, and when they screw their paddle handles in and chalk their palms, they mean business—but not humiliation of their opponents. The proper playing attitude is not just to "get the game over with" and feel the rush of victory but to share a common spiritual high together. Far from a skunk, the ideal game would end at, say, 40–40, with both partners quitting together and feeling spent and blissfully fulfilled.

I like boys with long hair. Are they really better players than guys with short hair? —Suzy, CreamCheese, Wis.

No. It only seems so because their hair flies around so much. One Fat Lye is the world's greatest living player. “One," as he is known in Yangpu, has never given an opponent (except for his wife on their wedding night) more than one point. Yet he has been a skinhead since birth. Historically, both Samson and Milton (his biographer) were longhairs—and both were rotten players. It might interest you to know that Samson's nickname was Agonistes, which he got from people who had to play him.

Game Point:

Just remember, ping pong will be here for a long time, as long as the human race, and there will always be problems. (In fact, I have often thought the day when become really successful will be the day I no longer need to write this little column). So your best course is to play the game to the fullest, and never be shackled by table "hang-ups." Many players write me about such intimate problems as stretch marks on their paddle hands or frequency of intercourt, and are relieved to find they are not the only ones with these problems. Just knowing that other players are not always quite so normal or "straight" as you thought—once they get into the comparative intimacy of the cellar or backyard patio—can help you feel more free to get behind and get it on with this Great Indoor Pastime.

Happy paddling!