Only Us

Nothing much has changed from the last wild video we did with Jade. We’ve done a series of videos with her which have brought more than enough eyes and new subscribers to pay our bills and have money left over for the next several months. It’s an immense relief, yet I don’t feel whole. I don’t know why, but I don’t feel happy or even content. Why is this happening?

“Do something .” You tell me. “Get out of the house. Give yourself a break from editing and promoting all these videos. Money is fine right now, you don’t need to act like everything is going to fall apart if you don’t work on these videos.”

I know and hear everything you’re saying, but it doesn’t get rid of this uneasy feeling. The felling that there’s something missing, that there’s something wrong and for whatever reason I can’t figure out what it is that’s wrong.

“I don’t know what else to do with myself.” I say.

“Go for a walk.” You tell me.

I say nothing to this. I save my video file and just walk out the door.

There’s no one out, it’s the evening time and there’s no one out. My brain is spinning and spinning fast. I need everything to work out, I just need everything to pan out otherwise I feel as if we’ll sink, despite everything you’re telling me.

I stop and sit on a back on the way back from my walk. I can see our driveway from here. I see you taking out the trash. You see me and you wave. I wave back and turn away to stare off into space. You come running.

“Did you have a good walk?” You ask.

I shrug, then I look at you. “Fuck me on this bench.” I say.

You stare at me dumbfounded. “What?”

“You heard me. Fuck me on this bench.”

Part of you looks excited by this, even if there’s another part of you that’s embarrassed and thinks I’m out of my mind. “Babe someone could see us.”

“We fuck on camera, what do you care?” I say as I unzip my pants.

“Are you nuts?” You ask, shocked. “Do you really want to get arrested?”

“The way I feel right now, I don’t fucking care.” I say.

You only stare at me for a moment, saying nothing. Then after this long stare you turn around and walk away, leaving me alone on this bench, wondering if I have just destroyed everything just because I feel like something is missing from my life.

“You must have a screw loose or something because you wanting fuck on a bench…that’s not normal.” You say when I walk in. “You know I’m always more than happy to have sex in public places, both for us and for the subscribers. But baby, you’re using sex in the wrong way right now.”

“Sex is a perfect self-soother. I’m just self-soothing.” I say.

“I know and that’s fine, but to fuck on a bench out for the world of strangers? And don’t say it’s no different for what we’re doing for work because trust me it’s not the same at all.”

We’re quiet for a while, both of us humming with the tension that’s built up over the last few months and everything that’s added to that from today’s conversation. After a while you walk over to me and put your arm around my shoulder. The warmth of your touch brings me to tears. It makes me just burst into tears. I cry and you sooth me the best you can. When I lift my head and start kissing you, you’re tense but you’re not telling me to stop. You kiss me back and get hard from the taste of my kiss. I get on my knees and blow you. You cock is so hard in my mouth I can barely get to the base when I deep throat you.

“Get on please.” You say. “I want you.”

`My favorite words, I think. I get onto your dick slowly, that perfect fit as always making us both gasp from the feeling of it. I start riding your cock slowly at first, looking into your eyes as I do. Then you start moving with me.

“You’re so wet, baby.” You say and this makes me move even faster, faster, and faster until you and I both come together, wrapped in each other’s arms tightly as if we’re both afraid something beyond our power or control will pull us apart.

We lie naked on the couch for a while, both of us staring at the ceiling for a while.

“Nice to not have to do it on camera.” You say. “I was forgetting what that felt like.”

I say nothing in return. I want nothing more than to sleep and not feel these feelings I can’t explain, the feelings that make me start to question my sanity. Where all of my wants and needs start to come into question. As though the things I want are not really what I want. Why these are things I think about, even after I’ve just had amazing sex with you, I just can’t figure it out. Even if the likely answer is probably right in front of me and I just can’t see it.

“What’s wrong?” You ask.

I sigh. “It’s done well for us. It’s been doing well for the both of us for a while, but I don’t want to make sex tapes anymore.”

At this, you look more than a little surprised by this. You look completely dumbfounded.

“Why? You’ve always been so passionate about it and it has done well for you and for us. Why do you want to give it up?”

“It doesn’t feel fun anymore. It’s bleeding out into my day to day life and that’s not healthy and it’s not what I had intended when I started. I kept the videos in one place and my life in the other place. Now it’s just merging together more than I had ever wanted it to.”

You listen and you nod and I feel heard. When I finish, you take my hand.

“Whatever you want to do babe, I support you. You just need to be the one that feels about your decision.”

I nod. “I do feel good about it. It’s going to feel weird for a while, but I do feel good about it.”

And that’s it, this is the night I decide to back out of making these sex tapes. I will still have a lot of sex, but I won’t be filming or taking photos. Will I ever go back to it? That’s hard to say, but I won’t say never.