Let's Talk About Sex

Girls, my boos, I think most of think that sex can be many different things. It can be slow, romantic, and totally mind blowing. It can be hard, fast, and dangerous. It can be somewhere totally inappropriate, or it can be in your own bed. Either way, we have many different fantasies about how its going to play out.

Boys, you have some work to do.

I just spent a romantic weekend getaway with my boyfriend, and let's just say I am disappointed about four months of his build up to it.

I think most people have been in that position. You spend so much time building up what's going to happen, and then it's wham, bam, oops in about five minutes. No foreplay. No dirty talk. Not even a little surprise or anything. You probably still had some clothes on like in those scenes from Lifetime movies.

Even if you do finish in those instances, it's not very satisfying.

Personally, I took a shower after that instance and rather than lay next to my snoring partner; I took my biography on Ruth Bader Ginsburg and sat on the balconey and read. Somehow, that book was way more satisfying than the sex. At least when I was finished with a chapter of that book I felt empowered and inspired.

The weekend wasn't at least a total loss on my end. He slept in till almost 10 and then took a nap from 2 p.m. to 6 p.m. You know what I did?

Friday.

We had sex, it was okay. It lasted for five minutes and I still had my dress on. We went to dinner, came back to the hotel. I took a bath and when I came out, he was asleep. I sighed, dejectedly, and went to bed.

Saturday.

At 7 a.m. I woke up and took a hot shower and actually took the time to shampoo AND condition my hair.

At 8 a.m. I pulled on my comfiest pj's and sat on the balcony with a cup of coffee and sketched a birds nest in the tree next to our room.

At 9:30 a.m. I snacked on a muffin from a bakery across the street and turned on the TV and watched 'Holes'.

Between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m., we watched TV and snacked on some fruit and cheese. We watched National Treasure and traded history facts we knew about the Revolutionary Period.

At 2:30 p.m. I sat down and read more about Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

At 4 p.m. I grabbed a coke from the lobby and wandered around. The hotel's history was very interesting, 11 presidents had stayed there and several movies were filmed there.

At 5 p.m. I was back in the room and decided to take another bath. I dropped a bath bomb and exfoliated, shaved AND moisturized my legs. I haven't done that in like a year. So amazing.

At 5:30 p.m. I was back to reading.

Between 6 p.m. and 10 p.m. we ordered room service and watched Jumanji and discussed if we liked the original or the remakes more.

At 10:30 p.m. I fell asleep.

Sunday.

We packed and headed home.

In summary, sex is great when it's done right. My romantic weekend that I've been planning for four months took a swan dive off the deep end.

People, I need you to listen to me very carefully, learn from my mistakes; foreplay IS important and for fucks sake follow through with your promises.

Don't tell your partner "oh baby, I'm gonna blow your damn mind, you'll be walking bowlegged for days" if you can't do it. May set realistic expectations? Say something more suitable like "baby, we gonna do it quickly and still have time to watch that 'Property Brothers' marathon on HGTV at 6." Honesty is the best policy.

Oh, you don't want to say that? Then, listen to me very carefully young padawan, FOLLOW THROUGH WITH YOUR PROMISES.

I mean, this shit is not complicated, okay? Wanna make your girl weak in the knees? Maybe you should try a little research, go to Cosmo or something. I am positive there are resources out there to help you out.

Of course, your partner is your best resource. They will not complain if you test out your theories with them, I promise. Communication is key. I talked to my partner when we got home, and that fucker literally took notes. Does your partner like their hair pulled? Make sure you grab from the hair at base of the skull, euphoria. Kissing and light nibbling at the pulse point when the neck and shoulder meet, always gonna work for you. Talk to them, it doesn't have to be dirty. Maybe try complimenting them about how beautiful they are, how much you love them, or how much you love hearing them moan your name.

Sex, in my opinion, shouldn't be a taboo subject in a couples life. Why are you with someone if you can't tell them what you like? There are billions of people on the planet, statistically speaking there should be at least ONE PERSON out there who's into the things you are. I'm terrible at math, so I don't know what the actual statistics are but there has to be at least one person to match you perfectly, right?

We all deserve to have a healthy sex life, is it going to be great every time? No, no it's not. That does't mean it's never going to be.