Let’s Talk About Sex: Enhancing Sexual Satisfaction Through Communication

I've been a go-to for friends for as far back as I can remember, for all topics, and especially relationships. And somehow, I attract strangers looking for advice on this topic as well -- even before I started doing oracle readings professionally.

You’ve heard it time and time again; communication is one of the most important things in any relationship. It is especially important in romantic relationships. Even more important is what you are communicating about. For some people, communicating your sexual desires can bring up feelings of embarrassment, even if you’ve been together for an extended period of time. This might be because when communicating your sexual preferences, you are speaking of things that are of the utmost privacy between you and your partner. You might be uncertain of what his reaction is going to be. However, studies have actually shown that open sexual communication enhances relationship satisfaction beyond that of general, non-sexual communication.

Maintaining open communication has always been identified as a strong contributor to relationship satisfaction. But you may not know that enhancing sexual communication can be even more of a benefit to relationship satisfaction than just general communication. Paying more attention to this aspect of your relationship may allow you to form a deeper bond than simply communicating about everyday issues. This is because not only does it increase sexual satisfaction between you and your partner, but it also enhances trust between you because of the intimate and private nature of your talks. When you trust your partner enough to reveal your sexual desires without embarrassment, your bond strengthens because you trust that your partner understands your desires and will work to meet your needs.

Attachment is important in relationships, and that comes with communication, bonding, and intimacy. Long-term partners are more likely to become securely attached, and in return, less likely to have a fear of abandonment.

If you feel too embarrassed to discuss sex with your partner, even knowing that it will keep your love flowing, you can work up to it by trying a general conversation about what he or she enjoys sexually and what their fantasies are. Once you see the ease your partner has in sharing their own wishes, you’ll find it easier to share yours. Starting with what your partner likes can allow you to become more comfortable about such topics, and it can lead to your wanting to explain what you like and your fantasies. Opening these lines of communication can increase the comfort level between you and your partner, and it will lead to communication that is more open and honest.

Without healthy discussions about sex, your relationship can become unsatisfying or dysfunctional. Communicating about what you want in the bedroom can help spice up your relationship and combat the boredom that often occurs after remaining in a relationship for an extended period of time. Since sexual relationships often require much trial and error to find a balance for both individuals to be satisfied, communicating openly first can eliminate some of the trial and error and lead to a satisfying experience straight off. It is also important to respect your partner’s disclosure and to offer no judgment. Being open to your partner’s needs and indulging some of their fantasies shows them that you have a desire to make your relationship work. Remember, communication is the key to any healthy relationship but you must broaden discussions to include all aspects of your relationships, including sex.

Talk Before Sex

Sex is an important aspect of both life and marriage. Sex bonds us, sex allows us to have children, and sexuality plays a major role too. Sexuality influences how you dress, act, and interact with those around you. You can’t go a day without seeing something about sex, from television to the newsstand.

As much as sex is “out there,” however, talking about it is a whole other thing. It seems it is especially difficult for us to talk about sex with our partners. For some reason, we find ourselves back in that same position we were in when we had our first sexual encounter. We are uncertain and scared of the unknown. But then after we do it a few times that fear subsides and we feel more confident in our abilities. The same will go for talking about sex with your partner. Once you break the ice you will no longer see any issue with it.

Talking about it will help you break up the routine and monotony of sex too. If you are ready to start talking about sex with your partner, here are some tips:

Timing is important

Don’t wait until you are already doing it to start talking about it. Make a plan ahead of time to sit down and talk about how both of you have been feeling in the bedroom, changes you both think might benefit your time together, and any issues you might have been having in the bedroom. Also, don’t wait until you’ve held in a bunch of feelings and find it hard to control what you say. This is supposed to be a good talk, not a lashing.

Be honest

Be honest and upfront. You can be kind without sugarcoating things. There is no sense in having the conversation if you are going to both listen and tell the truth about your own feelings. People often believe that honesty has to be “brutal.” While it’s true that you shouldn’t dress up or disguise the truth, you can be direct without being unkind.

Avoid blame

You can have a serious conversation about sex without pointing the finger at each other’s faults. Don’t blame your partner for the fact you never have an orgasm during foreplay. Instead, tell them ways that would help you reach orgasm. Don’t attack each other and don’t turn what is supposed to be an intimate conversation into an argument. Be respectful.

Ask questions

Don’t just tell them how you feel and what you want, find out what they would like to change too. It also helps turn it into a meaningful and useful conversation.

Listen

There is no point in having a conversation if you aren’t going to listen to what your partner has to say. Use eye contact and don’t interrupt. Both of you deserve your chance to speak.

You may learn some things you hadn’t known about your partner. That’s what communication is all about. But talking pre-sex isn’t the only important step in enhancing your sexual satisfaction. You also need to learn the proper way to talk during sex.

Talk During Sex

Getting comfortable with communicating about sex may help you keep communication open during sex too. There is research that has found that comfort with sexual communication is directly linked to sexual satisfaction. People who are more comfortable talking about sex are also more likely to do so while having sex.

How people talk about sex is actually an important topic for public health researchers. Why? Well, for one thing, people who are uncomfortable asking their partners to wear a condom may be at higher risk of having unprotected sex. That unprotected sex could lead to sexually transmitted infections.

Just because sexual communication is a challenge for most couples doesn’t mean it has to be. The more people who understand that this communication can actually enhance their sex life, the more willing they may be to get past their fears and apprehensions. Discussing sex with your spouse will not only increase your intimacy, but it will also help improve your sex life.

Think before you speak

Be sure of your intentions, and make sure that your motivation is to improve your sex life and enjoy sex more. You shouldn’t be doing this to punish or be mean.

Set the mood

If you are going to have a sex talk in the hopes of it leading to sex it helps to have the mood set ahead of time.

Be positive

Instead of telling your partner the things you don’t like, tell them what they do that gives you real pleasure. If you keep sharing the things you like, they will focus more on those.

Give explicit directions

Don’t criticize, instead tell them exactly what you’d like them to do to you and be very specific. Whisper something like, “Kiss my neck as you unbutton my shirt. Slowly move your hand to cup my breast….” The idea is to be sensual, and directional. This exercise will not only get you what you want in bed but it can also be very erotic, and add a lot of spice to your sex life.

Use your hands

First of all, when you are done speaking, the next best thing is to talk with your hands. Show your partner what you want them to do. It’s sure to put you both in the mood very quickly.

These steps will lead you into the sex part. Now keep talking. Talking during sex might seem awkward and strange at first. Letting your partner know what you’re thinking and feeling while you’re making love will enhance the experience for both of you. You will not only get what you want, but they'll also be getting more satisfaction too. This kind of talk can be very arousing, for both of you.

It is important to remember that every person in the world has different sexual desires and fantasies. What turns one of us on might turn someone else off. This is just another reason why it is so important to talk to your SO about what you like and don’t like in bed. There is just no way for them to know for sure unless you say it. Not only should you talk to them, but you need to listen to them too.

We also need to learn that talk during sex doesn’t have to be “dirty” or inappropriate. Instead, we are enhancing the intimacy of our lovemaking. We turn sex into more than just a physical thing, but also an emotional experience.

If you are looking for something more romantic to say during sex, something that shows them that you like what they are doing and doesn’t sound “dirty." Talking dirty is absolutely fine though, if that's something you both like!

Talk After Sex

Now that you have talked about sex and talked during sex, you have opened yourself up more to love and intimacy. The more you do this the more open you will become with your partner and the better your sex will become. Sex is a regular part of the lives of people in romantic relationships. And if it isn’t part of yours, it should be. Sex allows us to bond on a deeper level with your partner.

Don’t stop talking after sex, though. A little pillow talk goes a long way. Pillow talk is generally a blissful exchange, where we tell each other how enjoyable our experience was and how much we love and care for one another. The Urban Dictionary defines pillow talk as “intimate talk between lovers while lying in bed after copulating.” Simple, but effective. Some people find it easier to talk about sex after sex.

It is a scientific fact that after you experience orgasm many profound physiological changes occur in your body as the hormone oxytocin floods your body. You both experience this post-climax oxytocin surge, although a guy’s testosterone is thought to dampen the effects of oxytocin, which makes them a little less connected after the event. Just because your partner isn’t as love-drugged after sex doesn’t mean that pillow talk isn’t important or useful in bonding and learning though. Talking after sex is not only easier for some people, but it also leads to higher levels of trust, relational closeness, and relationship satisfaction.