Josh Flops

The air that night in the graveyard was so cold Josh could feel the frost cling to the hairs on his nose. He just wanted to get the fuck out of there. He watched his best friend’s dad’s casket get lowered into the ground. He looked around at everybody’s faces. He didn’t understand how these people could feel differently from him. He knew he could see the bigger picture in this. Josh felt around the outside of his front left jeans pocket. He squeezed the denim together against his phone making sure it was still in there. He clicked the button on the side and looked at the time. It was 6:28 P.M. Only three minutes had passed since he’d checked it last. His girlfriend texted him; she told him she missed him. Josh caught a glimpse of his best friend’s eye before walking to his car.

​He knew his friend was going to say some parting words or some bullshit. Some corny line how he’ll cherish the memories he had and blah, blah, blah. If Josh already knew how it was going to play out why even bother watching it. He had much more important things to worry about. He knew before he went over to his girlfriend’s house he’d need to get gas, cigarettes and blunts. Fucking the bitch was the only thing he really liked about her. She was always talking, but never really said

anything. To tell the truth, what Josh really needed was cigarettes and blunts to tolerate the bitch enough to fuck her.

​It was especially cold that night for this late in April. Josh had somehow figured it was his best friend’s father’s spirit spreading this gloomy disdain over his city. Josh pulled into the B.P a few miles down the road. He could see his breath as he exited his black escalade. He’d forgotten he was wearing jeans and a sweater, until he lifted up his sunglasses when he went inside the mini mart.

He noticed that his pants had only appeared to be black. The sunglasses at night had deceived him. The tux was still chilling waiting for him hanging on a hook in the backseat. He shrugged and walked up to the cash register. The cashier “Jamie” (they all need names right?) was kind of cute, but she had this empty half smile on that he could see right through. Josh knew she thought her life sucked, but she was stupid and missed the point. He bought $20 worth of gas and a pack of Reds before turning around and nearly bumping into the man behind him. He caught the man’s eye for a split second and could tell he was a pussy. As Josh exited the building and walked back to his car he could see himself bumping into the dude and throwing one right hook.

He leaned against his car with one foot up on the back tire while he pumped his gas. He smiled as he pictured the man’s face hitting the floor over and over. The gas nozzle clicked making his body jolt, snapping him out of his daydream. He needed to focus on the task at hand. Finding some weed was priority numero uno. He swung his door open, climbed inside, and slammed it shut. He slouched down in his car seat and flipped through his contacts on his phone. His go to guy always came through.

He listened to the phone ring and go to voicemail before moving on to his other go to guy. He knew at least one of them had to pick up. After the fourth person he heard the receiver end click and static for a few seconds.

“What’s good, is anyone…there? He said saying making the there part higher pitched. A raspy voice of a person who’d obviously just smoked a mass amount of something came on.

“Yeah dude. What’s up what do you need.” He said.

“Could I just get an eighth dude, You’d be saving my life.” Josh said earnestly.

“Sorry man all I got is a stick left, but it’s some kill.” Said the bud dude.

“I don’t care. That shit better be good though, especially if I gotta drive to you.” Where you at?” Josh said most of it under his breath only caring enough for the receiver to hear the question.

“Shit. Just go to the parking lot behind the grocery store at Toss’s Triangle. You know where that is?” The blunt asked him.

“Yeah. I can be there in 10 minutes how long is it about to take you?” Josh said in a competitive tone.

“Around the same time. Bring twenty-five dollars though this shit’s some kill. Uh what kinda car you whipin?”

“Nice use of the same adjective.” Josh muttered before continuing to say “I’m whipin a black Escalade, should be pretty easy to spot.” He told the pot flipper before agreeing on the time and place of meeting. Josh hung up quickly, noticing his girlfriend had texted him numerous times.

​Baby, are you coming over soon?

​What are you doing?

He started to tell her he was picking up bud before another text came in wondering why he wasn’t replying.

​Fuckin chill I’m going to get…

​Why are you ignoring me?

​Fuckin chill I’m going to get a blunt then I’m coming over. Relax babe I just came from a funeral have a fuckin heart.

Josh replied, pissing himself off enough to light a cigarette before he pulled out of the gas station and onto the street. He watched as the light ahead of him changed from yellow to red just as he reached it. Beyond that light he could see at least five more lights change to red.

​“This is the fucking worst night, fuck dude’s dad man making it unlucky by dying and shit. Had to be tonight,” Josh semi-yelled to himself as he slapped the steering wheel with both his palms. Five red lights and two turns later he faced another small stretch of lights, which turned in his favor. Josh zoned out into the road. He couldn’t stop thinking about the moment he sparked his blunt. He pictured himself at his girlfriend’s house, in bed with her. They were both sweaty and out of breath; he knew at that moment it was time to grab the blunt. There was nothing more satisfying than an after fuck blunt, except for the cigarette after that.

Josh snapped out of it and jerked his foot to the break. He’d nearly run a red light. He looked out both his windows to figure out there was no one around. He laughed for a second to himself before he stretched his arms over his head and yawned. It had been a tiring day that day; he thought.

He remembered how he’d awoken at noon, walked his dog, and sat on the couch for the next four hours before getting ready for the funeral.

“Damn what a fuckin’ day.” Josh said sighing a little under his breath.

The light changed and he pulled into the parking lot of the meeting place at Toss’s Triangle. He sat there in his car waiting for his go to guy to show up. He watched out his windshield as one of the employees of the grocery store collected various carts customers had left throughout the lot.

The employee looked so sullen; shoving each cart toward the long line of them he’d created. Occasionally he would put his foot on the bottom bar of the cart and push it in the direction he wanted it to go. Josh laughed aloud as one of the carts was flung into the bumper of a red Mustang. He watched the cart collector rush over to the car and rub it before standing up and looking around to make sure no one had noticed.

“Shit! How long has it been? I swear I been watchin this dude for fuckin hours.” Josh said irritably. He looked at the clock in the middle console between him and the passenger seat just above the radio. It was 7:15 P.M, but he’d forgotten when he’d called his bud dude. He decided he had to know exactly how long it’d been. Josh pulled out his phone and went to his recent call list; it was pretty simple to find out the time since the dude was the last person he’d called. He read the name in his phone with the corresponding time of dial next to it.

Bud Dude Today 6:55 P.M

“Mother fucker’s late! He better fuckin hook me up; this is bullshit. Fuckin ten whole minutes…never on god damn time.” He said to himself, shaking his head before lighting a cigarette. Finally after five more minutes the weed man pulled in and parked next to Josh. He clambered down from his SUV and hopped in the back seat of the dude’s car.

“What’s going on man, what took you so long?” Josh said in a serious tone before smirking and cocking his head back. The bud dude glared at him for a second before smiling in acknowledgment that he was providing a service and didn’t have to take any shit.

“You got the cash, I got the grass.” The weed man said holding up a sandwich bag in between his thumb and index finger.

Josh tossed him the money before snatching the bag and exiting the car. “Fuckin tool,” he muttered before he slammed the door behind him and trudged back up into his Escalade. He started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, flipping the bud dude off in his rear view mirror as he drove away. He headed back toward the B.P around the corner from his girlfriend’s house. The drive went smoothly only having to stop at one light before he turned down his girlfriend’s street.

He parked across the street from her house and sat in the car for a moment to collect everything he needed.

The weed was already in his pocket, so all he really needed was his cigarettes and lighter from the side pocket and his phone from the cup holder in between him and the passenger seat. He sent his girl a text letting her know he was there and scrambled down from his vehicle. She lived in a deep red duplex that was three stories tall, with a sharply slanted roof.

He’d always forgot which side was hers no matter how many times he’d been there. He’d made it a habit to piss off the neighbors until his girlfriend told him to just text when he was there and she’d come let him in. He watched the reflection of the wooden door opening behind the glass one in front of him. His girlfriend opened the door for him and shot him a disappointed look before he followed her inside. She was around 5’4 with long shiny soft brown hair down to her mid back and a round face. She was wearing a low cut shirt that made her boobs pop out so much they jiggled all around as she walked. She must have been relaxing in bed because she was also wearing a pair of basketball shorts and no socks.

He walked behind her as she led him to her room, through the small pathway

in between the two counters on either side of the kitchen, then through the living room and to her room. It was a fairly small room with only enough space for a twin bed, the nightstand next to it, and a couple small dressers. They walked in one after the other and sat next to each other on her bed.

“Hey you baby, how was your day?” Josh said trying to act cute with a big cheesing smile.

“Eh, it was okay…I guess. I worked like 10 hours today, I’m exhausted.” She said in the same cutesy tone before yawning and laying her head down on her pillows.

“Well it’s time to wake up baby, just for an hour or two while I’m here.” He said putting his hands on her biceps and shaking her a little.

“Don’t do that!” She yelled slapping at his hands before continuing, “You know how I hate being shook, especially tired. Why do you have to go so soon?

“You don’t wanna stay with me?” She asked puffing out her bottom lip and widening her eyes making them appear sad; the puppy dogface.

“It’s not that I don’t want to baby, it’s just I’m needed elsewhere too. You know my dad wants to hang out with me for a bit too.” Josh told her trying to sound truthful.

“Whatever, we don’t ever get to see each other. You’re always too busy for me and all I want…” She started to say before he tuned her out. He stared into her hazel eyes and nodded as if he wasn’t just thinking about fucking her. As long as it looked like he was interested he knew he’d get what he wanted.

After five minutes of her complaints he couldn’t take it anymore. He shoved his lips on hers and with that they were full on making out. He felt her soft squishy lips against his as he began squeezing her boobs through her shirt. He caressed them softly in his hands before removing her shirt. He pictured how amazing it felt when she sucked his dick. He could see her mouth wrapping around the cusp before sliding smoothly down to his pelvic area and back up again slowly.

He pushed down slightly on her shoulders, signaling her he wanted her to go down on him. She got the hint, unbuckled his belt and slid his pants down to his ankles. She wrapped those soft squishy lips around his dick and went to work sliding her mouth up and down; occasionally letting some slobber drip down for more lubricant. After five minutes of her mouth and right hand moving in unison for dual pleasure, he came in her mouth and watched it dribble out onto his stomach before asking her for a towel.

He wiped his dick and stomach completely clean as to not leave any residue

that could have potentially got her pregnant; they didn’t need a condom. He pulled her

shorts and panties off in one swift motion and turned her on all fours. He grabbed her ass before shoving his cock into her moist waiting pussy. He moved his hands to her hips and began ramming her so hard her ass hitting his pelvis made a loud smacking sound with each thrust. Josh then turned her over on her back and slid her down closer to him before he grabbed the bedpost for leverage. He began fucking her even harder pushing down on one of her legs to spread it further for optimal rammage. Finally, after twenty minutes he pulled out and busted on her chest and immediately pulled up his pants.

She looked at him with those sad eyes because she knew he’d be leaving her soon.

“I’ve got a blunt for us baby, it’ll make you feel even better.” He said faking a smile. He slowly pulled out the sandwich bag, which, to his dismay was empty.

“What the fuck? That mother fucking prick ripped me off!” He shouted chucking the bag two inches in front of him before it floated to the ground.

“Well I guess there’s no blunt then? Hmmm?” She said pushing her face against her shoulder to be cute.

“No! There’s no blunt, obviously, you dumb bitch!” He screamed splattering spit on her face.

“Get out…get the fuck out!” She boomed in a voice that made even him tense up before he gathered his shirt and stood up to leave.

“Whatever yo, I got what I came for.” He said grinning.

She chucked her phone at him, clocking him in the jaw; knocking him one step more towards the door.

“Crazy bitch, I’m out. Don’t bother calling me tomorrow.” Josh spat through his teeth.

“Whatever.” She said sarcastically before he turned away from her and left the room.

When he exited her house and headed down the front steps he noticed that his car was gone. He realized he’d parked in front of a fire hydrant, he remembered nonchalantly walking away without any thought of this happening.

“WHAT THE FUCK! AGGGHHHH!” He exploded, throwing both of his arms up in the air. “What could I have possibly done to deserve this?” Josh whined aloud.

He decided he would call his best friend for a ride to the impound lot, or at least to his house. He knew his best would always come through; he had to.

Josh sat down on the curb in front of the fire hydrant where his Escalade used to be. He lit a cigarette before reaching in his pocket and getting out his phone. He dialed his best friend and waited for him to pick up.

“What’s up man? What’s going on?” Josh’s best friend said dully; a little less enthusiastic than he’d had expected.

“ Dude…I need a favor, my car got towed from my girlfriend’s house and I have no way home. Would you be able to give me a ride I can give you some money for gas or whatever.” Said Josh putting on his best sympathy act.

“Yeah man, sure…I kind of need the drive tonight.” Said his best friend softly with pain in his voice.

“Thank you so much man, you don’t know how much you’re saving my life right now.” Josh said excitedly, sounding relieved.

“No problem dude, what are friends for? I’ll be there soon.” They hung up the phone simultaneously and Josh slid his phone back into his pocket before shifting his weight on the curb.

He sat there staring at his girlfriend’s duplex, glancing at all the bushes and plants around the sides of the house stopping on either side at the walkway and staircase. His best friend pulled up in his Honda Hybrid, the one from Be Cool.

“Thank god you’re here man, it’s been a terrible night. You’re really doing me a solid.” Said Josh before lightly jogging around the front of the car and hopping in the passenger seat.

“You’re telling me man, what the fuck happened to you, you look like shit.” His best friend said sounding and looking concerned.

“Crazy story bro. Okay so first I get this text message from my girl how she misses me and shit, while I’m at the funeral; right? Okay so I’m like babe I can’t come right now I gotta be at this funeral you know it’s my best friend I gotta be there for him.” Josh said making various hand gestures, while his best friend just nodded keeping his eyes on the road.

“So then I’m standing there, it was cold as fuck right? No, but I’m standing there right and then my phone buzzes again and it’s a text from my mom. She was all like, hey Josh I really need you right now can you please come home and help me out. I’m like yeah mom I got you…Drive home, get out the car go inside. Whatever.” He continued glancing at his friend who didn’t seem to be paying attention, just kept his eyes on the road.

“She’s all like Josh can you take out the garbage and do the dishes, I can’t do it right now I’m exhausted. I’m like you bitch, made me leave my best friend’s funeral right? So then I’m pissed and I’m like damn I really need a fucking blunt and some pussy right now.” He explained not paying attention to his best friend’s face slowly turning from content to angry as fuck with every word that came out of his mouth.

​“So I call up like ten different people to get some weed until finally some one fucking answers. Go drive to the god damn grocery store, the one at Toss’s Triangle; know what I’m talking about?” Josh asked his friend just to make sure he was paying attention.

​“Yeah I know the one.” Said the best friend through his clinched teeth without Josh even noticing the change in tone.

​“Yeah so, I wait there for like fucking half an hour and the douche bag told me it was some kill, so I paid him the twenty-five bucks.” Josh went on getting even more into his story with every sentence.

​“Twenty five bucks, for a gram? Are you retarded?” His best friend said laughing under his breath still staring at the road.

​“No, he said it was some kill. That’s not the point; I’ll get there. So anyway my girl had texted me earlier while I was at the funeral telling me she missed me, or whatever. I decided to go over there, you know get a little suck get a little fuck smoke a little bud and shit. So I get there listen to her bitch for a minute, pound the fuck out of her right?” He said spitting out words as quickly as he could.

“Mmmmhhhmmm.” His best friend replied drudgingly.

​“Right, so I pound the fuck out of her. Go to grab the weed and the motherfucker stiffed me, didn’t even put anything in the bag. I get pissed, me and my girl get in a fight, she kicks me out! Then I come out here and my car’s towed. What a fucking night right?” Josh said breathing quickly trying to regain a normal inhale/ exhale pattern.

​“Yeah man, sounds pretty crazy. Why’d you have to leave the funeral early again, I saw you leave as I was going to give my speech.” Josh’s best friend said curiously.

​“Weren’t you listening dude, I told you man my mom told me she needed me. Didn’t say what for until I got there and it was just a bunch of bullshit.” Josh said a little irritated.

​The best friend then slammed on the breaks flinging Josh’s head forwards into the dashboard before he pulled off onto the side and parked.

​“What the fuck is your problem? What the fuck was that shit?” Josh said rubbing his forehead.

​“Get the fuck out of my car.” His best friend said calmly.

​“What did I do?” Josh said making the puppy dog face.

“Get the fuck out of my fucking car!” His best friend screamed so loud it made Josh’s ears hurt.

​“You can’t just tell me what I did.” Josh said hesitantly.

​“What did you do? What did you do?” His best friend repeated getting louder,

​“I saw your mom at the funeral, she was there until the end. I know because she gave me a hug and asked me if I’d seen you afterwards. I’d overlooked that moment until you repeated your fucking lies. I’m glad smoking weed and getting fucked was more important than being there on the only fucking day I needed my best friend. FUCK YOU!” His best friend bellowed before shoving him out of the car and screeching his tires in Josh’s face and speeding away.

​“What the fuck? Why does everyone only care about themselves? Jesus didn’t he hear anything I just said? I fucking lost my car and twenty-five bucks tonight! What did you lose? HUH?” Josh screamed the last part into the darkness where no one was around to hear him, throwing his arms up once again.