Is It Wrong for Men in Sexless Marriages to Pay for Sex With Escorts?
What if this is how they stay married?
Cheating is never a good thing. I'm not here to say that sleeping with another person behind your spouse's back is okay. It's not. It's a screwed-up thing to do. And yet, I think in some cases it's justified.
Take the married clients who pay me for sex because they're in sexless marriages. They sleep in dead bedrooms - that's if their wives even still sleep in the same bed with them. They've often been living in this situation for years - ten, twenty. They're married but celibate.
I don't want to downplay just how important sex is in a marriage. Sex keeps a couple connected. It builds intimacy and is an antidote to contempt. It helps couples stay compassionate to one another's needs.
But the sex is missing altogether in these men's marriages. They are basically in commitments where one of the most important parts of the relationship is absent. In the best scenario, these men would be able to be honest to their wives about their need for sex, and if their wives no longer wanted a sexual relationship with them, they would allow them to date other women.
But it typically doesn't work that way. My clients say their wives would never allow this. Monogamy means being celibate with their wives.
This is an untenable situation for many of my clients. What's the alternative? For my clients, paying for sex with me is the next best thing to having an affair or worse, leaving their wives.
Paying for sex with an escort like myself is the perfect solution. I don't expect these men to commit to me emotionally. I don't want them to. I'm a professional. I offer sex for pay. I don't want to have a serious relationship with my clients.
This is not to say that our meetings lack emotion. Sometimes we've been seeing each other for years. There's a certain level of affection that's developed between us. Still, for me, our relationship is ultimately a business transaction. I don't expect these men to leave their wives for me.
I understand that, for some, this is still cheating. However, I think we live in the world of the possible. These men aren't willing to live celibate married lives but they don't want to divorce their wives either. They choose to stay in their marriages but seek out the sex that's missing from escorts.
I don't see anything wrong with this.
Married clients with wives with a terminal illness.
I have several clients who are married to women with terminal illnesses. These men have assumed the role of caregiver for their wives. Their wives are not in a physical state where they are able to have sex. Again these men have to make a choice: swear off sex altogether or have an affair. They choose to pay for sex because they see it as the lesser evil.
They remain emotionally committed in their marriages. They don't go and fall in love with another woman. In a strange way, they remain wholly monogamous. They simply engage in the physical act of sex with a professional.
Then they go back home and continue to work hard as their wives' caregivers. They don't let their wife's illness become a death sentence for their own sex life.
I think it's okay for married men in situations like these to pay a woman for sex.
Married clients who see our sessions as therapy.
I've had several clients tell me that coming to see me is therapy for them. Take the case of Leo, a client of mine who has been seeing me once a week for the past year.
While we do have sex during our session, the majority of our meeting encompasses him talking about his marriage problems. Seeing me is helping him work through these issues. His wife is constantly angry at him and withholds sex. They sleep in the same bed but she creates a pillow "wall" between them. She's withholding affection as well.
He's struggling to make their marriage work, jumping over hurdles to make his wife happy. He purchased her a new diamond ring and took her on a month-long tour of Europe. Still, their marriage problems persist.
I talk him through this. Usually, my advice is that he should leave his wife, but he doesn't want to. And yet, he says he gets more out of coming to see me than going to a therapist.
I'm not the problem in his marriage: his wife is. I'm just trying to help him.
Married clients who pay escorts for sex in order to not stray emotionally.
Stewart was a client I only slept with one time. He told me this going in; he would only see me once. This way he could make sure that he didn't get emotionally connected. He sincerely didn't want to cheat on his wife. However, he hadn't had sex with her in fifteen years.
They had kids together so basically, they had a parenting partnership. Still, his wife expected him to be faithful. Not having sex was making him miserable though. Seeing escorts helped him stay with his wife.
I think if a man is in this kind of a marriage, he's at the very least allowed to pay for sex with escorts.
We shouldn't judge these men.
Sure, the common-sense solution is that these men should just leave their marriages. Why stay in a marriage that isn't working? These men don't see it that way. They see their marriages as working on all fronts but for the sex.
They don't want to abandon their families - especially not over sex. They don't want to throw their sick wives under the bus, divorcing them when they need them most.
However, they also feel like their sexual needs are going unsatisfied. They try to find a solution to this by paying escorts for sex.
I'm compassionate. People can call this cheating, but what if the intention is to stay married? What if these men love their wives, but they just want the sex that's missing from their relationship?
If one partner in a marriage no longer wants sex, why does the other partner have to suffer? I think there's nothing wrong with a married man paying an escort for sex.
Many people might not agree with me, but who is anyone to judge these men? Until you've walked in their shoes, how can you know what it's like to live their lives?
Don't they deserve to be happy, too?
As an escort, I do my part to help them achieve this happiness.