How to Score on the First Date

by Jus L'amore 4 years ago in satire / advice

A woman’s guide to getting her into bed on the first date.

How to Score on the First Date

I know what you’re thinking. “Why the hell is a woman writing an article about men scoring on the first date?” However, if you really think about it, who better than an experienced, educated, and (once) slightly promiscuous chick to advise you on how and what to do in order to achieve sexual success on the first date? Or as I like to call it, “sexcess.”

Throughout my twenties, I took part in all types of relationships. While most were just casual dating and quick flings, I did manage to squeeze in a marriage proposal and two-year engagement somewhere in there. Unfortunately, that engagement ended in shambles thanks to some unsowed oats I felt the need to sew before saying I DO. However, thanks to these experiences, I was able to learn the ins and outs of relationships, dating, and men. Between observing their behavior and gestures and my own personal reactions, I eventually developed the skill of predicting how the date would end pretty much as soon as it started. It could have been as simple as the way he smelled or how quickly he kissed me that decided our sexual fate. Other times it just depended on how many martinis I consumed. Either way, the knowledge I gained during that time in my life is what makes me the perfect source to guide you to getting lucky on the first date.

Plan the Date

When it comes to planning a “sexcessful” evening, the first thing you need to know is how to plan a date. This topic alone deserves its own article, but that’s for another time and place. I know it’s never good to assume, but I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that if you are looking to score on the first date then you are probably not looking for your next girlfriend and that’s totally OK. If your expectations are to have fun both mentally and hopefully physically then why should you plan a date that is serious and potentially boring? When men hear the word “date,” most assume that women expect suits, flowers, and fancy restaurants, when in fact most women are hoping for good food, lots of laughter, and chemistry. If you want the night to end with fun between the sheets then it only makes sense to start the night off with the same idea and attitude.

Save the candlelit dinner and opera for a later time and try something more original and laid back. Skip the 8 pm pick up and opt for a day date, this way you can spend more time together which may have her feeling less guilty about her choice to sleep with you later. Go to brunch and a museum, hit up a concert, or hell, even invite her over for an afternoon of “redecorating the bachelor pad.” I don’t know why, but all women love to decorate and rearrange a man’s space, especially a potential boyfriend. I kid you not, the first time I had sex on a first date was after I helped my new friend move into his apartment. What started with beers and unpacking boxes ended with a quickie on the couch and a friendship that is still intact. This leads me to my next piece of advice, which is to have the date start at your place or hers. I know this may seem like it would scare her off, but by meeting up at your apartment and having her see where you live you will make it easier for her to come back later. You can even drop hints by suggesting to rent a movie later or by simply saying, “when we come back later.” Put the idea on the table early so it doesn’t seem so obvious later on.

Screengrab from Immoral Tales

Pay Attention to the Little Things

Women are difficult, I will never deny that, but when it comes to what we find attractive, the basics couldn’t be more simple. Like hygiene, confidence, and humor. If you are really trying to get lucky with a girl on a first date, the most important rule should be to smell good. Not just your cologne but your breath, clothes, and shoes too. That’s right, even your feet need to be on point if you’re looking to score. How bad would it suck to get as far as taking your pants off only to have her change her mind once she got a whiff of your sweaty nasty socks? Plus, with smelling good comes feeling good and women love a man with confidence. Key word here being confident NOT cocky. So many times I see men who are either overly sure of themselves or extremely self-conscious.

I know this may sound like common sense but there are a few ways to keep tabs on your attitude. Be sure to engage in conversation. You want to talk to her but minimize the rambling. Speak about yourself, your childhood, and share funny stories, but make sure she has to opportunity to do the same. Women love to be heard, so don’t just nod your head, try to actually listen. You want her to feel like she has known you for longer than one day so that later on she doesn’t feel like you are a complete stranger. If you feel like the date is taking a turn for Boringville then switch it up by playing a game like 20 Questions or Never Have I Ever but again, choose your questions wisely. There is a fine line between curiosity and creeper, so instead of asking if she has ever had a one-night stand, go for something a little more subtle like, what’s the craziest thing you have ever done on a date. Listen, you shouldn’t need too much advice in the conversation department. She said yes to the date for a reason, so be yourself but try and be the nicer, more comfortable, and positive version of yourself.

Screengrab from Immoral Tales

Time the Kiss

We all know a kiss says a lot about a person and a date. Usually, you would leave the kiss for the end of the night. You know, the whole awkward front door movie kiss. However, since you are hoping to get more out of this date than a typical one, try moving the kiss up on the time slot. Again, this is the perfect approach to getting her comfortable not only with you but with the whole “sleeping together” idea. Keep it casual and light hearted and if you’re unsure of the right moment, opt for spontaneity. For example, while waiting in line at the comedy club or concert or perhaps a quick smooch against a building while walking through the city. Since you are trying to move things along rather quickly, remember to be affectionate. Hold her hand, touch her leg, even a peck on the lips early on will eliminate any hookup anxiety she may have.

You can also limit those nerves by including some cocktails (they don’t call it liquid courage for nothing). I am not suggesting you get her drunk just so she will sleep with you because not only is that gross but probably illegal in some states. But it wouldn’t hurt if a few drinks were had while on the date. If you really must know, I slept with my husband on our first date, which started at my house, and involved two bottles of wine at a restaurant. Never assume that just because you both got drunk and slept together that a future relationship is out of the question. It’s not like you committed a crime together, you drank, had fun, and slept together, there are many worse things in life. Always make her feel confident with her choices and make light of the situation.

Screengrab from Immoral Tales

Get to Know Her

Finally, there is one vital piece of advice I must give when it comes to scoring on the first date and that is, know who you are on a date with. This whole philosophy will not work if your date is super conservative, shy, or I don’t know, a nun. More times than not we can figure out what a person is like just from social media alone. Not to say you should judge a book by its cover, but you can kind of guess what the story may be about and what is definitely lacking. If you saw a book cover full of kittens, religious crosses, flowers, and hearts, then most likely the story inside is not about murder, sex, and crime. Follow? Listen, at the end of the day all this brilliant advice means nothing if you’re trying it out on the wrong girl. Who knows, you may even start the date hoping to get laid only to end the night begging her to go away. Yikes!

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Jus L'amore
Jus L'amore
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Jus L'amore

Sometimes offensive yet mostly sweet.  Always honest and often vulgar.  I'm a wife, MILF, and everyone's homey.  From trends and sex to mom life and fitness, I tell it how it is and not how it should be.

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