Sex Ed
Sex Ed

How to Have an Orgasm

Tips to help reach that moment

How to Have an Orgasm

Exploring sexuality tends to be a unique experience for everyone. Not only because each person has their own unique attractions and tastes but also because each person experiences sexuality differently. How to have an orgasm comes naturally to some people but it’s common for others to struggle. It is especially common for vulva people to have a harder time achieving orgasm. This can lead some people to think that there’s something wrong with them but that’s not true.

Many people will limited sexual experience look to porn or erotic media to see what an orgasm should look like. It’s important to note that porn is not meant to be educational. It’s based on fantasy, not reality. Unfortunately, it has become something people try to compare to themselves to and then struggle if it’s not the same.

Having an orgasm shouldn’t be a frustrating experience and the more frustration a person feels, the less likely they will be successful. So how can someone successfully get themselves to orgasm? Let’s review some tips!

Get Out of Your Head

It’s often easy to let our heads get in the way of being able to relax. In many cases, this happens when people are trying to orgasm as well. The more pressure we put on it, the harder it becomes. The more that we can relax, the easier it will become. Often our thoughts are on things other than the sexual activities or feelings we are experiencing. The division of our attention stands in the way of experiencing the good sensations and excitement of sex.

One of the ways we can help stay out of our heads is to focus on our bodies. Draw your attention to the sensations you are feeling, your breathing. If you find thoughts are still filling your head, acknowledge them but let them go. Try not to dwell on things that aren’t contributing to the pleasure of the moment. It’s also important not to focus too much on the idea of having an orgasm but to focus on the pleasure you are experiencing.

It’s also important to remember that sex is not a performance, you are not nor should you be performing. Don’t compare yourself to what you’ve seen in porn or portrayed in the media. How you respond to pleasure is unique and should feel natural. If it feels natural to be loud, then be loud, or if it feels natural to be quiet, then be quiet. You should not spend time worrying about how your pleasure appears, just stay in the moment and enjoy it.

How to Have an Orgasm On Your Own

One of the main things that stand in the way of people orgasming is a lack of comfort or familiarity with their own body. Vulva people, in particular, are not encouraged to explore their own bodies or pleasure and often shamed when they do. Masturbation is a good way to learn what you like and what you don’t. Taking some time to experiment with self-love will increase your comfort with your own body. It also helps you determine what kinds of sensations you find pleasurable. This can and will change with different levels of arousal. The more you experiment, the more you will learn about what you find pleasing.

As you engage in more self-love, you are also strengthening the neurological connections for those nerve endings around your genitals and other pleasure centers. In many ways, you are teaching your body to become more sensitive to sexual stimulation.

During these times, it’s still important to practice staying out of your head. One of the main advantages of doing this on your own is that there will be less pressure for feeling like you need to perform for someone else. Just take things at a pace that feels right to you. It can also be a good time to experiment with other things such as a new sex toy. Remember to make the focal point the pleasure you’re experiencing. The climax of an orgasm is great but the main goal is pleasure and increasing your sexual pleasure.

How to Have an Orgasm With a Partner

Having a good sexual experience with a partner really comes down to good communication. After taking some time to discover what you like through personal experimentation and masturbation, you should have a clearer idea on what to communicate to your partner. How communication happens during sexual activity can be pretty important. No one ever wants to feel like that partner is putting them down or making them feel incompetent. Choosing to phrase things more positively instead of negatively can make a big difference.

When giving direction to your partner, try to avoid saying things like, “not like that” or “less strong”. Instead, you can phrase things more positively like, “I prefer this way” or “when it’s soft like that, it makes me melt”. You are giving your partner the same message but the latter will keep your partner from becoming discouraged.

Another thing to remember is that sex is made up of all different kinds of sensations. Many couples, particularly heterosexual couples, tend to place a lot of focus purely on intercourse. For many people, this will not be enough variety of stimulation. Don’t be afraid to mix in foreplay, clitoral stimulation, or other types of activities to keep the pleasure rolling.

Focus on Pleasure, Not Orgasm

Having an orgasm can be a super great experience but try to keep from making it a goal. The goal of sexual activity should be pleasure, not the end result of having an orgasm. Focusing on pleasure will not only increase your overall enjoyment of sexual activities but will also make it easier for you to find the best way to pleasure yourself to orgasm.

sexual wellness
Teela Hudak
Teela Hudak
Read next: Titty Tote Time
Teela Hudak

Teela is a Vancouver-based Sex Educator & Relationship Expert. Learn more at:

See all posts by Teela Hudak