How to Get Close to Rich People

Think about it. Everybody you know wants more money. Endless series of books have been hacked out explaining foolproof systems on how to pile up more of the green stuff. Of course, after reading all the experts, it always comes down to an awful lot of hard work. And many of us are very lazy, so there's the rub. People who have made their own fortunes will tell you it was mostly by the sweat of their brows. The truth is that the vast majority of all people of wealth were born with it … married it … or got so close to it that it rubbed off. Aha, you say something like that should only happen to me. Well, it can. The simple, super dependable, flawless system described below is infallible.

1. Only very rich people fly first-class on short flights. For instance, New York to Washington, or L.A to San Francisco. On your next trip, splurge! See it as an investment in your own future.

2. Look in the newspaper and find a very expensive Rolls Royce that a private individual is selling. Call and take it and the owner for a test drive.

3. Poor people never talk about money around rich people, but you can talk about the high cost of safe deposit boxes, the repressive income tax in England, secret Bahamian bank accounts, and "CDs."

4. Never compliment a rich person on what they are wearing.

5. If they compliment you on something you are wearing, say it is just something you had in your closet for years.

6. Ingratiate yourself into the rock scene. But remember, managers hold on to their money; rock stars lose both their money and their looks. Which is it that you are after?

7. Find a rich person whose last name is the same as yours. Write to them and tell them you think you might be related.

8. If you have very large breasts, go see a plastic surgeon about having their size reduced; plastic surgeons make a lot of money. Do not have the operation.

9. If you have small breasts visit a psychiatrist. Let him convince you that you should not visit a plastic surgeon to have your breasts enlarged. Psychiatrists also make lots of money.

10. To meet rich people, you should know how to tell the difference between a real diamond and a fake one-without a jeweler's loupe.

11. Learn how to read palms cards, and crystal balls. Rich people always dread the future.

12. Never snub very old rich men-remembe, they have sons and grandsons.

13. Go to a funeral of a very rich man. You do not need an invitation. The place will be filled with other rich people, still alive, who are seeking your sympathy.

14. Work in a senator's re-election campaign. Volunteer for the finance committee and you will get to go to parties filled with rich people.

15. Buy an expensive dog.

16. Walk your expensive dog in front of the most expensive homes in town.

17. Go to auctions dressed conservatively smart. You do not have to bid; the place is filled with rich people who will do it for you.

18. To make an impression on rich people you have met, such phrases as Keynesian antediluvianism, the Kondratyev wave, Galbraithian illogicisms, and postecological entropism should be dropped casually into your conversation.

19. Read a book about Ferraris. Whenever you see one on the street, approach the man driving it (they are never driven by chauffeurs) and authoritatively compare his with "yours."

20. Start a cooking school for men only. Accept pupils only after you have checked their Dun & Bradstreet.

21. Know what a Dun & Bradstreet is.

22. Buy yourself an expensive attaché case. Carry it when you are out hunting the wealthy during business hours. You'll look like a successful career woman. Rich men like successful women.

23. Topic A among rich people is other rich people. Subscribe to papers like the Palm Beach Life, the Grosse Pointer, and the Watch Hill Seaside Topics and summarize their stories as if you were passing along out-of-town gossip.

24. Rich people can clearly tell the difference between a sunlamp tan and a real one. Be careful!

25. Rich people do not like to be thanked, billed, or bought. Allow them to be generous.

26. Visit a small, well-known stock-brokerage firm to discuss your “account."

27. Know how to explain the difference between puts and calls. Most rich people use them, but few know what they mean.

28. Bone up on heraldry; when you meet someone, describe how their crest looks.

29. Become a caddy at a very exclusive country club.

30. Make friends with a call girl.

31. Become a reporter for the Wall Street Journal.

32. Shop at the most exclusive men's store in town. Ask a well-heeled customer if he could please try a sweater on to see if it would fit your brother, since both of them seem to be the same size.

33. Rich folks don’t like people who wear too much jewelry, too much perfume, or black lace underwear.

34. Wear white cotton underwear.

35. Every year send personalized Christmas cards to the twenty-five wealthiest men in town . After several years, most will assume that you are an old friend whom they have forgotten how they met, and they will start sending you cards too. At that point, you are halfway home.

36. Learn everything about polo and attend matches.

37. Send the headwaiter at your town's most exclusive restaurant a bouquet for his fine service. The next time you eat there, make friends with him. Headwaiters know how to make introductions.

38. Crash classy weddings (most are listed in the papers) and introduce yourself as the bridegroom's distant cousin. He'll be too dizzy to know.

39. When you are at a small dinner party at a wealthy person's home, be very enthusiastic. They haven't seen anybody like you in years.

40. If you have never heard of: Gerald Tsai, a Jensen, a merlin, the Bohemian Grove, the Saratoga Yearling Auction, or Sheik Ahmed Zaki Yamani, rich people will think you're ignorant.

41. Rich people do not like to be touched, rubbed, or poked.

42. Most are also clean freaks: after sex, get to the shower before he does; he'll think you’re one too.

43. You should know what countries the following ski resorts are in: Gstaad, Megeve; Portillo.

44. When you are traveling spend at least one night in an extraordinarily expensive hotel. Be charming; if you are having a good time, most people will think you are as rich as they are.

45. When you are on vacation, find the biggest yacht in the harbor to nearly drown next to.

46. Take up squash. Play only with men.

47. Look in the newspaper under apartments-sublet. Check out only the very expensive ones. The owners have usually placed the ad themselves. Visit the apartment and talk with the owners.

48. A successful cocaine dealer is not the kind of rich person you want to meet. P.S. Wardens are very poor.

49. Learn the following words: oenologist; lapidarist; lepidopterist.

50. When acting rich, never act satisfied with how rich you are. The actual rich never think they are rich enough.