Hitting Forty (Part 6)

We were under a big tree that gave us a little cover. He pinned me to the wall and kissed me so deeply, that I felt my legs give out under me.

I felt like he took the breath right out of me. That instant felt like it was the longest ever. I felt a little disoriented and when he backed up and let me go, I took off in a hurry.

When I got home, I felt so guilty. I felt frightened, excited, upset, and happy; I was so confused. I had found someone I loved dearly, and now I cannot have him. But I wanted him so badly; he had quickly become a dark obsession. I told Paul all about it later that evening, and he listened carefully. He said it was understandable, all of it. We had a hot bath in the tub, and Paul served us some wine. We talked for hours, and he helped me feel a little more at ease. Only a little.

Why do we become obsessed with what we can’t have? I had a chance to have so many different men, but I wanted the one I could not have.

When I was shipped off to basic training, I tried to think of it as a new beginning. It was not easy, I struggled a lot, because I was in no shape to be active all the time, and going through a lot of physical training. I had no time for myself, no time to think of anything about life back at home; I was like in some alternate reality. I wrote home, and got letters from Alice and Paul. My mom wrote once, said everything at home is fine, but she didn’t go into detail. I was a little disappointed that she didn’t say anything about being proud of me, or even surprised. Oh well, such is life, I was more concerned about making it through basic. I was doing this for myself, for my country, not to impress my family or friends. The days were long, the nights were short, and food was great. That is, if you got to taste it while you shove it in your mouth as fast as possible. We didn’t go hungry, I can say that.

When I got to advanced training, I had more time to think. I was able to call home more often, I usually got Paul on the phone; sometimes Alice was home, but not often. Alice stopped writing, but Paul was such a comfort to me. Hearing from him helped me remember that I was doing the right thing. I was glad he wasn’t home alone, but towards the end of my training, it seemed something was off.

After about five months of training, I finally graduated and went home. I was so excited to get back; that is, until I remembered I now had bills to pay and groceries. It was so good to be away, so Paul paid all the bills at home with my account, and I didn’t have to worry about any of it. I had half a mind to let him continue taking care of things as he had for those five months. When he showed up at the airport to pick me up, I ran right into his arms and felt such love and comfort. He smelled as wonderful as ever; I had missed him more than I realized. As he helped me carry my duffle bags to the car, I asked where Alice was. He said he would explain on the way home. I had a bad feeling; by the way he looked away. As Paul drove us home, he told me that Alice had moved out a few weeks earlier. She had told Paul that she needed her space, and that she was moving to Los Angeles. Later on, Paul found out that she had been chatting with some guy online. She had found him on a dating site, and didn’t tell us. Paul found out through our friend Theresa. She told Paul that Alice had been talking to this guy Jack, online. Alice had taken off to move in with Jack. It seemed to Theresa that Alice was attracted to Jack’s bank account more than Jack. Theresa had seen Alice on FB, and Alice was on a spending spree since she left Paul. She had posted a new car, jewelry, a new Harley, and even a new dog. She had re-invented herself, and now looked like some spoiled Hollywood wild child; I could barely recognize her when I saw her Facebook. I told Paul I was so sorry to hear this, and asked why on earth he didn’t tell me. He said he didn’t want me to worry while I was supposed to be training.

After we got home, I wanted to go out to the neighborhood bar. I wanted to be out, get fresh air, and listen to what Paul had to say. We talked for a couple of hours and headed home. I think it is so sweet for him to carry my shoes in his hand and let me hold onto him on the way home. It was interesting, considering I had not had alcohol since five months before, when I left. When we got home, I started stripping on the way to the bedroom. Paul was wonderful, he was so happy to see me, even more so after I took my clothes off. This was a lot of fun, because he was so sensitive. Sex after a long time of abstinence is out of this world!

He chased me around the living room, as I circled the couch and then jumped away as he almost got me. I ran down the hallway when he caught me by my ponytail, only because I let him. He pushed me into our spare room, which was conveniently right behind me. He pulled me down to the ground, flipped me over on all fours and started pounding hard into me. This time it was fast and urgent, we both had a long wait. We ended up lying on the carpet, covered in sweat, and I kept shivering on and off. He was just trying to catch his breath. That smell again, that intoxicating smell of hormones and adrenaline floating in the air, how I missed that!

When I went through some of the mail left in the mail drop off container next to the door, most of it was credit card offers. One piece of mail stood out, it was a fancy envelope with beautiful calligraphy. It was from Neil! I had put him out of my mind for most of the time I was gone, just to come home to mail from him. I opened it in a hurry, and felt my heart break as I saw what it was.

It was an invitation to his wedding. WHAT? Isn’t he a priest? Did I leave for that long? I desperately ripped through all the other old mail, and couldn’t see anything from him before the invitation. I ran to the kitchen and told Paul, as he cooked us breakfast. I was so confused on all this, and couldn’t imagine the news. I couldn’t help but wonder if the kiss we had had anything to do with this. I’d go to hell! I then decided I shouldn’t think so much of myself, it couldn’t have been that. He must have had a change of heart for other reasons.

Paul smiled and said “We are going!”

I shook my head as I plopped down at the kitchen table. I kept running my hand through my hair, as I always do when I get fidgety. Paul came over and messed up my hair, and put a plate of pancakes in front of me and a mug of coffee. He then pulled my hair up into a handful and kissed the nape of my neck so gently that it made me shiver. I felt so much love from him, I felt like I was part of him.

He sat down and we talked about Alice. I told him he would have to admit that it hurt, and come to terms with this. He said yes, it hurt, but if he lost me, he could not bear it. Alice was okay, but he wasn’t that upset. He had just been a little lonely when she had left, but he knew I was coming back soon, and that kept him going. If she had found someone else, so be it. What hurt him was that she lied to him, did he not deserve honesty? My heart hurt for him, and I was angry at Alice. It made me bitter to think anyone could hurt such a loving man. I knew Alice had issues, but Paul should not be punished for them. I was grateful that Paul kept himself sober and safe after she left, until I got back. I would not have been able to deal with the stress of worrying about him, while there was nothing I could have done.

I called home after I had gotten back. I talked to mom and dad, they didn’t say anything impressive. I was hoping for them to say something kind.

My mom said, “Dad didn’t think you’d make it.”

Mom asked when I was getting married, as if I had not noticed, she was quick to point out how old I was getting. I didn’t call to be put down and made to feel like I wasn’t enough. So I didn’t make them proud, I didn’t make them happy. What’s new?

I called our friends, Julia, Tom, Betty, Linda and Sam. We agreed to have a barbecue as a coming back party. Paul and I were so excited to see everyone and spend the evening among friends. It was great to be back, and our friends were closer to me than my own family.

Even though I had a chance to visit with our old friends, and even after reconnecting with Paul and falling back into the swing of things; I still couldn’t stop obsessing over Neil. I could still see him in my mind, dressed in the priest’s cassock, his eyes piercing through my soul. The curiosity about his reasons for leaving the church was eating at me. The urgency to find him before his wedding was making me so very anxious. I talked with Paul, and asked him if he would help me. He called the number on the card, to RSVP for the wedding, and asked to speak to Neil. He told the lady that answered, that he was an old friend from high school. Paul was able to obtain Neil’s phone number from her. I was excited, but then I sat there staring at the number unable to call. I had to have a few gulps of vodka before I could call. When he answered, I was stumped; I had no idea what to say.

I said hello, and explained that I just came back from Army training, and that I was surprised to find his wedding invitation in my pile of old mail. He said I must have so many questions, and asked me to meet him at a coffee shop.

I was concerned for Paul, but really wanted to go see Neil. Paul assured me he would be okay. He would go out to our regular bar for a while, then come home and watch movies while folding laundry. He asked that I call if I need anything. We both had trackers on our phone, so if I had issues, he would be able to find me, same thing for him.

I met Neil on the agreed evening at the coffee shop, but I felt a little uncomfortable in there. It was small, crowded, and I felt we needed privacy. I asked Neil if he would agree to go to the beach and talk there. At least we could talk with some privacy. I also had a lingering glimmer of hope to steal a kiss from him, I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t care at that moment. Neil accepted and we headed to the car; we left his car there, I offered to drive. On the way, he asked me to please allow him to call his fiancé, so she isn’t worried and checking on him constantly. When we got to the beach, I led us to the store for a usual Slushie with a little dash of courage. I offered Neil a little bottle; I was surprised he asked if we should get a few more. He told me that he had so much to tell me, and vodka would help.

We walked back to the beach and talked. Neil tried to make small talk; I had him sit down on the grass under a tree, at the little park that faced the beach. I then sat in front of him and crossed my legs, I held my cup and took a long sip, then stared right at him.

“What on earth made you leave the order?” I had effectively shut down all the small talk and get to the heart of the matter.

He looked down and told me it was a long story, where shall we begin? I shook my head and told him to pick a spot; I wanted to know all of it.

Neil started out with the middle. He said he had his reasons for leaving the order, and he could tell me later on, first some lighter conversation and more drinking. He told me that after he had left the order, he had gone to stay with his parents while he got back on his feet. He was so lost; he was used to being told what to do all the time, and now he didn’t have structure. He felt lost and scared, he couldn’t figure out where he fit. His parents didn’t waste much time in starting to invite people to dinner parties and introducing Neil to different women. Neil said he tried to avoid it all, but his parents were persistent in having people come to dinners, barbecues, and parties. He would participate because he couldn’t say no; they guilted him into it.

One unfortunate evening, one of the guests, Deborah, said she was a little too tipsy to drive home. She was the daughter of his parent’s friends. They wanted to stay and play dominoes with Neil’s parents, so they asked Neil if he could please take Debbie home. He took her home, but when they got there, she wouldn’t get out of the car. It took him about half an hour to get her into her house and set her down on the couch. He went to the kitchen to get her some water, but she got back up and when he got back to the living room, she had served them both a drink from the wet bar. Neil said he had been feeling stressed out by his troubles, and trying to fit into a life he felt so disconnected from. He slurped down his drink, hoping to drown all those thoughts for at least that night. They talked and listened to music, and drank some more. The more he drank the more he wanted to drink; he was feeling relaxed and free from worries.

He woke up in the morning, in Debbie’s bed. She was laid out nude under the white sheet. He was shocked to find himself in there, and wondered what on earth happened. He remembered being drunk, but had no idea how he ended up here. He suddenly realized he was in his boxers. He jumped out of bed and found his pants next to the bed; he put them on, and went looking for the rest of his clothes. He found them in the living room. He got dressed in a hurry, grabbed his phone and ran out the door. Neil said he was freaked out and didn’t know what to do but run home. He had only experimented with sex a little before, and had sex with only one girl, when he was in high school. So he had no reason to believe he did anything that night. But he was still freaked out.

It wasn’t long after that, that Debbie came to see him, to tell him she was pregnant. He said he was happy for her, but it had not dawned on him that she was pinning it on him. When she said it and started crying, he felt horrible. Neil had no recollection of having sex with her that night. She insisted that she had not had sex with anyone else in at least a year. Neil figured that the only thing to do was to marry her, even though he had no memory of what transpired in that bed that fateful night.

Once Neil had told their parents that they would marry, it was over. They locked the wedding down fast. Their parents were delighted to have them settle down, and form a family finally. Debbie’s dad, Larry, offered Neil a job. Both he and Neil’s father figured that if Neil was getting married, he needed to have a job. So Neil was now running the office at Larry’s bar. I asked Neil if he was happy with all this. He said things happened so fast, that he didn’t have a chance to think about it. He felt like he was never given a choice, but he also felt like it was his fault, that he ended up in this strange arrangement. It seemed to me he was getting caught in a spider’s web, and the spider was getting closer. Debbie’s parents wanted the wedding as soon as possible, so she doesn’t start showing. What a disaster if their friends find out their daughter is a little slut! I felt for Neil, I could see how this was upsetting him. He grabbed one of the little bottles from my purse and gulped it down without Slushie. I offered him my hand so we could get up. I led him off to the beach; we walked up the beach as the moon sparkled over the ocean. He seemed so angry at himself, blamed himself for such irresponsibility. How could this happen?

I tried to get it in his head that it wasn’t his fault, and that it seemed to me like a trap that was carefully set up. He said he didn’t think Debbie would have gotten pregnant on purpose to force a marriage. They had no history, they did know each other well, but only casually, there was nothing more. We kept talking and walked closer to the pier, I led him to a more secluded, darker spot. I was still hoping for a kiss, I could feel my heart going fast, and I felt like my skin was tingling. I could barely contain myself, but somehow I did. At least until we were at some distance from the open view.

I stopped and turned Neil around to face me, he had the saddest look in his eyes. His mind was miles away, and his heart seemed to be breaking. I gave him the softest kiss on his lips, and put my arms around his neck. I felt him jump a bit, and I thought for a split second, that he would push me away and try to leave. But he somehow he grabbed me hard and kissed me so deeply that my knees went weak, I had to kneel down. I ended up on the sand, with him on top of me. I thought I had lost all control, I was done, but he stopped and got up. He apologized profusely, and told me that he was about to get married; he couldn’t do this. He asked if we could walk back, so I nodded, got up and we walked back. He told me he had not stopped thinking of our last kiss. He said he knew it was wrong, but he had that moment etched in his mind. I told him I had felt the same way. I asked again if he would tell me why he left the order. He assured me that kiss was not the reason.

We went back to the car, and I intended to get Neil back to the coffee shop. We could now use some coffee the way we were going. But alcohol sometimes makes for some very good conversations, and some very questionable decisions. When we got in the car, things didn’t go as planned. I turned on the music and we talked a little, we were not ready to go yet. I jumped carefully crawled over to end up on Neil’s lap. He was being very good before that, sitting in the passenger seat, minding his own business. Now I was straddling his lap and staring at his mouth. He seemed to hold his breath as he put his hands on my waist. I leaned down over his face, and my hair enveloped us in a little curtain of darkness. I reached down and grabbed the lever, to make the seat lean back. He seemed a little startled, but kissed me ever so deeply once again. I was so wet by now, I could barely stand it. I felt like I was slipping down some slippery slope and taking Neil with me. I pulled my shorts off, and ended up in only my t-shirt. I felt driven by some strange force that left me no other choice but to go for it. It was the last chance I would have with Neil. He soon would be married and I wanted to have him first. I could feel him melting under me; he was starting to give in. I could feel his kisses becoming more urgent, and there was a fire inside him now.

He growled in my ear, “I want you, now!”

I think I just died. I unbuttoned his jeans and opened the zipper. He pulled his jeans down a bit and I felt him hard as a piece of steel. Holy cats!

*Keep an eye out for part 7.