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maybe not fully

By Ms. RodwellPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 3 min read
Photo by Dan Cristian Pădureț on Unsplash

October 24th, 2022

It’s Monday and a lot has happened since I last wrote. It’s gotten cold. And warm again. There are less leaves on the trees and nighttime begins early. I like it.

I’ve tried to keep myself busy - for the right reasons. I was coming from a state of such emotional exhaustion that I needed to occupy my mind with other matters. Friends, work, projects, the apartment. But soon enough, I'd find a new thought to guide me.

We decided to throw a dinner party and embrace the coziness of autumn. Wine, cheese, candlelight and good company. I invited a friend that I met in my first semester at university, and on that very same day, we made out intensely. This was 5 years ago but I stil remember how he invited me for dinner some days after we kissed in that labyrinth of a nightclub, to the pile driving sound of techno and strobing beams.

I refused his invitation and instead, proposed a drink. I thought it’d be more relaxed that way. Less intimacy, more fitting to our last encounter. But he found a partner soon after, and so did I. We never got to drink just the two of us alone again, until this past weekend. My boyfriend had actually once confessed how one of the few times he felt jealousy in our relationship, was when we met this good friend of mine at the lake.

He was the last one to leave our pseudo-party and at some point, my boyfriend went to bed, leaving us alone. Throughout the night I had openly explained how my relationship had been going, it was no secret.

After my friend revealed a few of his sex experiences without his partner, it didn’t feel inappropriate to bring my situation up. The alcohol helped, but the trust between us had already been built a long time - since this friendship began in that nightclub years ago.

It was finally just the two of us again, after nearly five years. We got to open up even more. I had been longing for this conversation for some time; not enough to consume me like other matters have in the past, but enough to make me remember that first night forever.

He explained to me how open his relationship became, and I reflected at him my desperation about this issue in my relationship. He understood and told me his partner also had a rough time in the beginning. But they reached a state of happiness and common agreement, where it isn't painful anymore. I, on the other hand, didn’t really understand.

“Doesn’t it hurt?” I asked. To which he just shook his head slowly. The windows were open as we had reached the point of carelessness where one smokes cigarettes inside. He asked me about porn, and my experience with it. I responded boldly, as the empty wine glasses and bottles sat on the coffee table. I knew the answer to those questions. Though his rebuttal shook me. “You’re demisexual”.

My mind stopped for a second. I had heard the term before and had even connected with it, but not to an extent of realizing that I myself could fit in what was being described. He kept on asking, and I kept on answering. He claimed I am demisexual and something seemed to click in my head, but I have yet to do my research.

What I know so far, is that this term is used for people who typically don’t feel sexual attraction unless an emotional bond or care or intimacy has been previously developed. I began thinking of the moments in which I felt attracted to people, and this didn’t seem to be the case. Including the intense night we even had together in that nightclub, which I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten.

I am sexually attracted to appearance, and smells - but also situations, so I don’t know if this term encompasses me. And I don’t think it fully does, but maybe on the way to finding out, I’ll stumble upon another term that does include me.

- Ms. Rodwell

fact or fictionlgbtqrelationshipssexual wellness

About the Creator

Ms. Rodwell

call her a pseudonym or a catfish, but she'll persist in her pursuit of fabulousness

TT: @Ms_Rodwell

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