Dear Men: Sometimes You suck at Receiving Blowjobs

Sucking dick is not an easy task. It’s bobbing up and down on your penis. While trying to mimic the death grip you’ve perfected since puberty. We do it because we enjoy pleasuring you.

A survey involving 1114 respondents found that among the 96.2% of heterosexual and bisexual women who enjoyed giving blowjobs, 76.8% of them had instances when they did NOT enjoy giving head.

Here are seven blowjob etiquette rules you should always practice to make it worth her while:

#1. Don’t Expect It, and don’t ask for it

Your best bet on getting that dick sucked is to never expect, never nag, and never ask…humility goes a long way. I know it sounds counterintuitive, especially now when consent is paramount. This is one of those instances where one’s initiative makes it hotter. Let us take the lead!

43.4% of women gave feeling pressured into giving a blow job as the most cited reason for not enjoying it.

Translation: the less you bug us, the more inclined we’ll be to offer our oral services. And the less guilty you make us feel for not doing it, the more you’ll get.

It works because you are more likely to be a happy customer, making us more likely to do it again. That positive feedback loop benefits us both.

#2. Silence is Not Golden

If we’re sucking you off, make some noise, pal. Moan, grunt, whisper, and hell, you can even hiss! You’d think this would go without saying, but so many men sit back and receive their blowjobs in silence.

This is troubling!

It’s like watching a stand-up comedian tell a joke to an unresponsive audience (Taps on microphone dick); mic check 1,2 can anyone hear me?

I get it you’re trying to imitate men in porn. Recently, more male pornstars are vocalizing their pleasure, which could only mean one thing… Women want vocal men!

We want to hear the oooohs and aaaahs, the moans and groans, the sighs and grunts. Give us something to motivate us when our jaws hurt. And no! one grunt before you launch doesn’t count. We want you to have fun; you’re getting your dick sucked, let loose!

#3. Don’t be a Starfish

Men complain of women who lay there like a starfish during sex — legs apart, arms outstretched with no movement or participation. Well, as much as you hate fucking a starfish, we hate blowing one.

Don’t freeze up like we’re the feds, act as if someone has their mouth on your dick. Move a little, throw your head back, gently grind your waist, move your torso, do your own thing as long as it’s something.

#4. Feedback Earns You Brownie Points

Bad blowjobs are often chalked up to too little skill and too much teeth. No man has ever told women to use less teeth or add more suction. Look, fellows feedback is sexy, it helps us improve, and every woman wants to be the one who makes your toes curl (that’s if she loves you).

If it’s not bueno, let us know. If we’re grating your shaft, please tell us, or even better, gently steer us toward the motions you like.

Positive Feedback is just as important, tell us to do more of this and that, tell us it feels good. Tell us you love it when we do that tapping thing with our tongue while sucking you off. It builds our confidence and boosts our egos. If you do right, you’ll have us sucking on your dick like it’s the fountain of youth.

#5. Never Shove Her Head Onto Your Dick

Never shove her face down onto your shaft; trust me, taking a rubber mallet to the back of the throat and gagging is uncomfortable as shiiiiiiit. If she likes that, trust me, she’ll take your hands and put them there. Otherwise, go at her pace!

#6. No Surprises

No matter what you’ve seen on Pornhub or what your boys said during locker room talks, never, I mean, never surprise us with your cum. The politest thing you can do is ask where we’d like you to nut and follow our orders to the T.

If you want us to come back to the blowJOB, you better treat us like the goddamn CEO. Keep us on board. Even if you imagined shooting a load right back of her throat, a woman has to get psyched up for that task, and if she’s prone to gagging (which most of us are), it needs an additional layer of mental prep.

#7. Don’t Last Too Long

Women cited taking too long to cum as the second reason for their negative blowjob experience. I get it, most times you hold yourself back to last longer; blowJOBS are much different. No one likes spending hours on a JOB that could easily take a minute or two.

Taking too long tires not only our mouth and hands, but also our ego (It’s a huge blow).

A quick, easy blowjob allows us to easily fit it in our busy schedule, like before work and during Zoom meeting breaks. It’s a great way to spice things. No, this is not to pressure you to cum early. This is to encourage you to work with us, so we become pros at getting you off.

Bonus tips

A questionnaire on women’s favorite and least favorite blowjob positions yielded these results:

Contrary to what Porn had you believe, women prefer you laying on your back while she’s between your legs rather than kneeling to suck you off. This gives us a high degree of control and makes it easy to transition to sex.

A whopping 65.3 % of female respondents selected the 69 positions as their least favorite… well, clearly we suck at multitasking in the bedroom. So next time you want to give a hint, get in position, we’ll know what you mean (wink, wink).