Confessions of a Masochist

I debased myself completely that night.

Luke was downstairs watching TV as I undressed for bed. Our evening out had soured as usual. A stray comment and I felt him just shut himself off.

I lay in the bed for hours, unable to sleep, listening to the never ending and agonizing ticks of the clock.

It would take days, possibly weeks, for Luke to calm down. I would have to apologize again and again for what I did. The same downward spiral of anger, guilt and sadness took over me.

Why? Why do I have to suffer so much for just one mistake?

Past midnight, I heard him come up and lie down next to me. I wanted to turn around and say how sorry I was to have hurt him. That I would do anything to take it all back, to make him happy again.

But I had said those things to him countless times already. And they never were enough.

So I just stayed silent. Hoping to make it through one more night. Hoping against hope that somehow the morning sun would bring brightness back into our lives, while deep down knowing fully well that it was already over between us.

His hands on my shoulder jolted me from my thoughts.

“I am so sorry.” Luke said.

My heart melted. I turned to face him.

“Why baby?” I asked.

“For the way I acted in the restaurant. I spoilt our night out. I don’t know Kim, sometimes I just can’t control myself. I am trying.”

I teared up. His heart was so pure. I should be the one apologizing to him, a hundred times, a thousand times.

“No, you don’t need to apologize. I totally understand.” I held his hands and kissed them.

His eyes moistened a bit.

“Oh baby come here.”

I needed to be close to him again. Our lips met and I kissed him deeply. I did not want to let him go. We broke our kiss and stared at each other. I could definitely see love in his eyes.

“Don’t you ever say sorry to me. I am the one who should say sorry for hurting you.” I said and I pulled him closer and kissed him again, this time with more passion. He responded and I thrust my tongue in his mouth, swirling it around, my hands cupping his face.

“I love you.” I whispered.

“I love you too baby.”

Hearing those words, I just broke down.

“Oh baby.”

I felt an urge to share an orgasm with him right then and there. I stood up and yanked my nightgown above my head and threw it away. I peeled off my panties.

Aching to be used and abused by him, I grabbed his palms and rubbed them all over my breasts. I sat on his lap, straddling him, and thrust my nipples upon his face.

“Baby suck them please!” I pleaded.

He obliged.

“Oh baby, I am all yours baby, use me.” I said. “Take off your clothes too baby. I need to feel you close to me.” I begged again and started taking his clothes off.

Pulling his t-shirt off of him, I started to kiss his torso from his hard chiselled chest down to his navel. I knelt and slid his boxers to his ankles.

I needed to have him as soon as possible.

Without wasting a second, I gulped his dick down my throat. I took it all the way, and started to gag on it.

I wanted him to feel good no matter what it took. I did not care about my comfort. I did not care about my dignity. I would do anything for him.

As I moved my head back and forth, my throat hurt, but I did not care. With my bloodshot eyes, I looked up to him. He was making guttural sounds.

Not satisfied, I took his penis out of my mouth. Still kneeling, I looked up and said, “Spit on me baby, spit on my face!”

Luke looked at me with shock.

“Baby please. I need your spit. Just spit on me. Use me baby.”

Luke hesitated but then dropped a big glob of saliva on my face.

I almost orgasmed. The need for debasing myself was making me so horny. Somewhere deep down, I knew that it was my guilt that was making me do this. But I did not care.

Luke had been so nice to me that it hurt. I wanted him to treat me bad. To punish me.

I went back to gobbling his cock hungrily with a spit -covered face. I sucked hard and swirled my tongue on his tip, playing with his sensitive part. He moaned in pleasure. I had never done such wild things before.

What else should I do to make him feel good? I thought. I started to lick his balls, sucking them one by one, as I stroked his dick.

I guess Luke felt like he would cum soon. Pushing me away, he lifted me up and threw me down on the bed.

He climbed on top of me and held my arms over my head and started fucking me. He had always been so gentle with me. But that night he fucked as if he wanted to hurt me.

And it felt so good.

“Oh fuck yeah!” I squealed as he tapped my pussy hard.

Thwack thwack thwack.

Sex had never sounded so loud in our bedroom. The bed started squeaking and then banging on the floor.

“Slap me baby! Slap me!” I wanted him to hurt me even more.

He slapped me lightly across the face. His own face was red and straining in ecstasy as he pounded me.

“Harder baby!”

This time he slapped hard. I gasped and arched my back. My nipples grew hard and body tensed.

“Again.”

Slap!

“Ohh yeah! Ahhh!” I could feel it building in me. I started thrusting my hips harder and harder. My eyes rolled over.

“Urghh..spit on me again baby. Spit in my mouth.”

THWACK!

He spit right inside my throat. As I swallowed it, I started convulsing all over, climaxing hard on his dick. He kept fucking me mercilessly. When my orgasm passed, I realized my clit was so sensitive and raw. But I did not stop him from fucking me even though it hurt me. Soon he shouted, “I am cuming, I am cuming.”

I pushed him away and kneeled by the bed and started sucking his pulsating cock. He kept on spurting in my mouth and once I couldn’t swallow anymore, I held his cock over my face till he leaked his cum all over my forehead, my cheeks, my nose, my lips, my chin, everywhere. He kept shuddering as I sucked every last drop out of his dick, slapping my face with it.

When he was done he stood up.

“Was it good baby?” I asked him, still kneeling, my face covered with his sperm, my makeup obliterated.

“Ahh yeah.” He said, rolled over, and fell asleep.

My face was sticky with his sperm, my hair wet with sweat and my body totally naked. I did not want to clean myself. I wanted to feel close to him, loved by him.

These precious few moments of peace were what I lived for, because come tomorrow, I knew the sadness would creep back into our lives, until I debased myself once more.

I just lay in bed like that with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face.